Vital Signs by Felix Hockey - Short, Drama - Doctors in a hospital realise something is wrong.  12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Felix

Had a quick read, a few thoughts

1) Careful with your and you're there are some examples of wrong usage.
2) Same with our and are
3)  Jackson did not have to run to catch them up. That's a statement that isn't actually shown on screen, think about how you can show this.

This reminded me of something but not sure what (Hammer House of Horror maybe), and I liked where it was going, but I think the ending could be stronger... maybe they could press down instead and the elevator plummets down forever? Just a thought.

F,

Okay.   You can write.  There was some evidence of humor in your story.  It was a quick easy read but  if I can use a quote from  FORREST "we're in an unfinished story".
  Sorry but it left me kind of empty; a why write it feeling .  Just my opinion.

Regards,

JJ

Hey guys, thanks for the advice. I'll try and make the ending more fulfilling.

Some notes.

this reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode.  Characters are trapped and trying to get out. I like the theme, but I think this one goes around and around too much.  Others have commented on the English issues, so I won't.  But I think you might give these characters several different explanations before they settle on characters in a story.  Also, you might dream up a way they can test their theory.  What happens if they go back to the lounge?  What if they ignore the beeps?  What if they think this is hell?  Take them and the reader to other places.

Best
Richard

I  like it. If I am not mistaken, only on page 7 Forest mention the idea that they are part of a story. Couldn't you insert some clues from the beginning so at this point all would make sense? (like 6th sense)..rsrsrs... good luck!

An interesting premise.

The dialogue was stilted for me in some part. But you get an A+ for originality.

I have a suggestion for the ending.

Go back to the beginning before the FADE OUT.

Something like:


JACKSON
Maybe they'll come back. Maybe
they'll come back and finish the
story.
Forest does not look up from the floor.
FOREST
Maybe...

CUT TO BLACK SCREEN

INT. HOSPITAL ENTRANCE - DAY
Doctors and other staff move around the entrance of the
hospital in a calm but busy manner.

DR JACKSON (late 20s, good looking) rushes in. He looks
slightly scruffy and dishevelled.
NORM (50s, glasses) sits behind an information desk.

FADE OUT

i.e., the story loop is starting over