Survival First, Inc by Bruce Bangley - Short, Apocalypse, Comedy, Satire - With armageddon looming, two security professionals market a range of services to ensure everyone, no matter how liberal, gets a shot at survival in a post-apocalyptic world. 9 pages. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Logline - I like the abuse of a difficult situation, the satire element with liberals...well will see

Nice concept. I felt it went in a bit, but all the same I like the difference.

Unlikely to be my fav but a fair entry

Not bad, but, it didn't do anything.  It was a big commercial, well, infomercial and I just didn't get it.

Sorry, not for me.

Dan

Is Vic supposed to be Christy and Arnold's house?  I don't get it,,,if he's supposed to be on TV, don't you think you should have said that?

Is this whole thing supposed to be an infomercial?  If so, it's not even remotely correct the way it's written and presented.

Obviously a comedy, and there is some humor here, but I don't find it funny at all, nor do I find it entertaining.  It's a unique take and I appreciate that, but it's a 2 for me, sorry to say.

I went into reading it with a bias. Because i suspected it will read like a survival manual and shorts like that are not for me.
I don't find much story in them. But I know they appeal to some. Actually yours is not bad at all. It just kept loosing me just like every other short like this one.
Having said that - I can't single out a part but I'm thinking quite some thought went into this one and there were a lot of clever lines and such.
It's these type of stories are not my thing.  

I could envision Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi doing something like this on SNL way back in the day and it would have worked. Why? Because the SNL skits don't drag on for more than a couple minutes. I think if this was pared down, it would be entertaining and hold attention. It was a struggle to make the end at this length.

Worthy effort; scale it back to the good stuff.

It was alright actually, this.

It felt almost like they were in an episode of The Office, and then doing an awkward infomercial. Also Ray's gummi bear line absolutely killed, well done there.

Overall, it was pretty good. A few good laughs, not much in plot direction or actual things happening, but a good bit of fun back and forward.

Cam

I like it, but I think you needed to tighten up your delivery. It dragged, as previously stated, and a lot of your punchlines came off as awkward. Specifically, the part about living for tomorrow instead of today, you said "fishes mammals"--very awkward phrasing--the little pussy part, good times go south, and social media blog part. I apologize for my poor citations here, but I had written out this entire response and it disappeared on me so my second time writing this was a lot less enthusiastic.

You have a clear idea of who the characters are, and what the script is about, but you just had a couple missteps in delivery.

Dave F

A few words need hyphens.

Quoted Text RICKY And the fishes mammals.

Huh???

The only Trudeau I've (barely) heard of is Canadian PM Justin Trudeau.

Quoted Text LILY I’m eight, I didn’t ask for any of this.

I'm not sure an 8-year-old would say this line. 18 maybe.

I didn't know "spatter" was a word; thought it was a typo for "splatter."

"MAY, 27" looks more like a date than a name and age.

You're missing a period.

"Headlong" can be one word.

Quoted Text RICKY Now[,] that wasn’t the secret knock.

If you're using the word "like" the way they do in Clueless, you need to, like, offset it with, like, commas or what-eveeerrrrr.



Global warming? Skeptical? *facepalm* Conservatives.  

I think you wasted too much space on the last page.

It was an interesting concept -- I doubt it'll be my top favorite, but a fair effort nonetheless.

I thought this was an interesting take on the the challenge and I quite enjoyed the change of pace.

But I think it could e tightened and page length reducing somewhat.

The humuor was a little hit or miss, but I've got a tin ear for comedy so that's probably just me!

Decent and inventive effort.

Read like a comedy sketch rather than a short story but I found it entertaining enough. The commercial played out exactly like an OTT American advertisement and was a worthy parody.

This isn't going to be one of my favorites simply because I prefer stories to sketches, but it is a very good effort and creative.

-Mark

like the idea, but the "no matter how liberal" part of the logline scares me.

decent effort.  lonnnnnng commercial, and yeah this is more of a sketch than a short, but it's not the worst idea.  i don't really have many notes clearly.  shoulda been shorter, coulda been funnier.  not the worst.

A much different approach to the challenge rather than the straightforward takes that everyone has submitted for the most part, so this is definitely a refreshing change of pace, even though it is just a long infomercial (how expensive would it be to air this?).

It's fun and an easy read, more like one of those filmed SNL skits, and that's not a knock.

Good job here,
Gary

Writer,

Sorry, but I'm out at page six. I just couldn't figure out where I was, what was happening or anything. I know there was some kind of commercial going on, but then it cuts to the house, back to commercial, then somewhere else. Oh, and all those supers. Not quite sure where this was going and I suppose I'll never know now, but the execution could've been a lot clearer. I can't get into a story when it's this muddled. Sorry again, and good effort.

Steve

Not a bad entry, it's something that could be filmed easily and would work as a one off joke- skit of some kind. Is there a story? No. Is it amusing? a little. I was, however, getting a bit concerned with talking heads and characters who sound alike in name (Vic and Ricky, Ray and May)