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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2017 OWC  ›  In Need Of Refuge - OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    In Need Of Refuge - OWC  (currently 1805 views)
Don
Posted: April 21st, 2017, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In Need Of Refuge by Anonymous 7 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama - As the shit is about to hit the fan, it’s now or never for a desperate hillbilly and his two companions.  14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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khamanna
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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There's a good story in this.

I didn't like the Man from the getgo though. Don't touch this, don't stare at that... He sounds very annoying. And he thinks himself worthy to overpopulated the Earth... I don't know. Rick from Walking Dead would never say something like that.

About the girl - I couldn't understand their talk about her and then she appears sitting between them. That was sudden. And it's as if he doesn't know neither that kid nor her. It's as if they are all strangers.
So I couldn't understand what's going on, just that it's the end of the world and they are going somewhere. And the Man wants to repopulate the Earth. --that's not much.
Then you switch to Old Man and Woman and I'm thinking you shouldn't have left your main characters.
Only then the real story starts. Maybe you could cut a bit at the beginning to take us to the story sooner.
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SAC
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 9:04am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Same here - not over the page limit, just an extra blank page.


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JEStaats
Posted: April 22nd, 2017, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I liked the ending. Getting there was a struggle. I think the first four pages could've been really scaled back as it doesn't add much to the story except for how the man is such a red-neck dick. I don't understand why the three main characters don't have names but the old couple do? They could have just been 'old man' and 'old lady'.

Curious what the apocalyptic trigger was that gave them so long to plan too. Certainly not a missile strike. And if it was the moon or asteroid, I'm not sure the bomb shelter would do much.
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Gum
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Cool script. Bit of this could be trimmed off to tighten it up IMO (like the cat, which just seems to fill needless space) but, the ending made up for any flaws this script might have… which isn’t many, to be honest. I liked the banter between the hillbillies, it came off as dysfunctional and smart all the same.

Only other nitpick I might have is the names: The Man, The Kid, The Girl, etc… is kind of a cop out but, meh… they’re all dead now anyway. Good job. All the best.
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Cameron
Posted: April 23rd, 2017, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

This was pretty brutal in parts, and kinda ran with a short, sharp writing style that was a bit tough to get used to.

The story was pretty simple, and it didn't really take any surprise turns. The ending was nice, that worked, but the rest didn't really fire the imagination.

It was alright, but not amongst my favourites,

Cam
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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The script reads very robotically. Lots of sits, stands, walks, looks, listens, puts, opens. Try not to give too much direction to the actor, they know how to do these things.

As it was, this made it a tough read for me and it took a while to get going. It seemed it be finally becoming interesting towards the end. If you streamline this and find a way to start later, this could be good but it didn't quite work for me.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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2nd script in a row that bleeds onto page 13, and that's just a complete lack of effort on the writer's part.

Oh no...not another script with no named characters..please...NO!!

"Bruce Willis style chest holster"?  Really?  C'mon...

And action/description lines with no subject.  Pet peeves on display here.  Not good.

Dialogue incredibly OTN.

You don't want to start a new scene with dialogue.

Where'd Jerry come from?  I didn't see an intro.

Who the fuck is Honey?  Oh man...why you just don't properly name and intro your characters is way beyond me.

Well, so far, my favorite character is definitely Kitty, and hat's not a positive.

"the bard"?  We've got an unintro'd bard here now?  Is the bard going to sing a a song as the clock counts down?  WTF?

OK, I read it all.  The writing is very poor, very irritating with the rat-tat-tat style with zero subjects in the lines.

Ending is weak and doesn't wrap anything up for us.

No way to give a damn about the characters because none are named, none have nay character.

Story-wise, this could have been pretty good, but you totally blew it with they way you wrote it.  But, he glimmer of a decent story warrants a score of 2.5, being generous.
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Conz
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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logline isn't exactly telling me much

hmmm, we got that "list" style prose.  Man does this.  Does that.  does this.  i only dislike it if it doesn't do it's job, which is to make this a super quick read.

I already don't like the fact he's called "the man."

the speaking style is starting to wear on me.

I guess I'm just an optimist when it comes to humanity, but this is one of the reasons i think The Walking Dead blows - the whole "man will immediately turn on man" dystopia stuff really bugs me.  it just always feels so ridiculous and over the top, so i don't like where we're treading with this...

also, see no reason why these people can't have names.

this ended up be a long read and i waivered.  could have been better, could have been worse.  not gonna end up being memorable, sorry to say.


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yosemitesam
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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I know this probably goes against protocol but I am the one who wrote this story. I figure, after the scathing dreamscale review what difference does it make.
I don't fancy myself much of a writer and this is only the second thing I've ever completed. Both are shorts, both are apparently not good. Haha
I want to thank the few people who read my story and made comments.

The three characters don't have names because I thought it fit in with the theme. If it were the end of the world and I was probably gonna die, the last thing I would care about is someone's name.
Yes dreamscale, the bard is going to sing. One typo in the whole thing. I guess that's worth mocking me over.
Jerry was introduced as the older man. Kitty as the older woman. Are you paying attention when you read or skimming so fast and only thinking about insults?
Also, there was not a single instance where dialogue started a new scene.
i appreciate the criticism regarding my headers.
i have never thought of using sits, stands, walks, etc as camera directions. It's writing in the present tense. No? Wouldn't it be wrong to say "is sitting", "are doing this" etc?

Ive been reading your reviews Dreamscale. You should lighten up man. It's just a fun thing on an Internet forum. Not the end all. I know it's nice to have the "power". There was not a single instance of constructive criticism. Aren't we here to learn? Or is this the professional writers forum I've been a member of for years?
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Cameron
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Yosemite,

Seriously mate, don't worry about the crit, Jeff is like that to most scripts in these OWC's, really don't take it personal and pay as much or as little attention to it as you want. Take what you want from the reviews on board and just work to improve your writing.

Yeh your script needs some work, but shit, my first scripts were all over the place when I first started, and through the help of these beautiful bastards round here I think I'm doing alright.

The worst thing you can do is pack it in. Don't do it. Your writing was by no means the worst I've read, work on the craft through the forums here, My Work In Progress in particular, and just build in confidence and style.

Now, my advice would be to delete your comment above before too many folk see it, get on with reviewing the rest, and learning in the process, and come out swinging for the next few efforts.

All the best

Cam
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 24th, 2017, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from yosemitesam
I know this probably goes against protocol but I am the one who wrote this story. I figure, after the scathing dreamscale review what difference does it make.
I don't fancy myself much of a writer and this is only the second thing I've ever completed. Both are shorts, both are apparently not good. Haha
I want to thank the few people who read my story and made comments.

The three characters don't have names because I thought it fit in with the theme. If it were the end of the world and I was probably gonna die, the last thing I would care about is someone's name.
Yes dreamscale, the bard is going to sing. One typo in the whole thing. I guess that's worth mocking me over.
Jerry was introduced as the older man. Kitty as the older woman. Are you paying attention when you read or skimming so fast and only thinking about insults?
Also, there was not a single instance where dialogue started a new scene.
i appreciate the criticism regarding my headers.
i have never thought of using sits, stands, walks, etc as camera directions. It's writing in the present tense. No? Wouldn't it be wrong to say "is sitting", "are doing this" etc?

Ive been reading your reviews Dreamscale. You should lighten up man. It's just a fun thing on an Internet forum. Not the end all. I know it's nice to have the "power". There was not a single instance of constructive criticism. Aren't we here to learn? Or is this the professional writers forum I've been a member of for years?


Yo, Yosemite, uh, not sure exactly what to say or how to say it, so I'll just try and address a few of your concerns with what I wrote in my feedback.

First of all, if you think this review is scathing, let me point out some others that are MUCH worse.  I gave you a 2.5, which is well above the zeros, ones, and twos others have received.  I even said there were some good ideas on display here.

One typo?  Really?  No, but that was a funny one.  Sorry, but I just couldn't resist, and if it offended you, I apologize.

On Page 6, you intro an "OLDER WOMAN" and an "OLDER MAN".  Since no character has been given an age, I'm not sure what the "older" part of their "name" means, and also understand , so far your characters have been named "The Man", "Man" (a typo, because this character has been The Man in every other dialogue box), and "The Girl".

All of a sudden, we have a character named "Jerry" speaking.  Jerry was never intro'd.  If The Older Man is Jerry, he should have been intro'd that way originally...otherwise, how are we supposed to know this?

Jerry then speaks  to "Honey", who we haven't met yet, ether.  And in the following line, you call her "Honey" for the first time.

You just said here (included in the quote above), that the older woman is introduced as "Kitty", so obviously, you, yourself don't even know who your own characters are.  Kitty is the cat, not the older woman.

On Page 4, you have a new scene (new Slug) "INT. TRUCK".  You follow that with dialogue from The Kid, so once again, you are incorrect in your defense of your script.

You don't take anything I said as constructive criticism, but if you listen to what I did say, it will help you going forward.

Sorry to upset you.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Logline - doesn't really say too much other hillbillys are included

Minor point, but I'm Not a fan of man, kid names etched you can name them

All in all a decent story. As it went along I was wondering about it but it then became clear about the hatch and I liked the conclusion.

It may have helped the dynamics if we knew about the hatch earlier.

Needs a tidy etc etc as most do, and the hillbilly part of the logline doesn't jump out at me in the story, better phrases could be used, but this has potential.






My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Solid idea, lacked a bit in logic and execution. The action was very much "this happened, the this, the this". You may ask why that matters, or isn't that the way you're supposed to advance the action?  Yes and no. There's a difference between "he walks in the door. He sits down. He eats his dinner," and "he staggers in the door, sweat falling from every pore.  He drags himself to the dinner table and uses his remaining energy to feed himself the meager portions set out on the table."  Hopefully you see the difference. Once is more rote description of what happens, the other paints a picture for the reader.

In any event, I was having a difficult time buying into the story - why couldn't they all go in the shelter? If there was only room for two people, why not say so?  Also, why not name your characters? "The Man" or "Kid" doesn't do anything for me. I did like the twist at the end, I'll give you that.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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DanC
Posted: April 25th, 2017, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Jeff can be tough, but, Yosemitesam, writing is a tough business.  If you don't have a thick skin, you won't survive the rejection letter after rejection letter.

I've read success stories where people have gotten over 100 straight rejection letters before getting their first sale.

Look at it this way, would you rather everyone read this with kid gloves on, then get destroyed by professional readers, or do you want people like Jeff give you their honest opinion and have a chance to make revisions?

I have a saying that everyone on here knows.  I'd rather hear the bad news from my friends or other readers for free before I pay to enter a script and have it get tossed aside for the exact same reason without ever finding out why.

If someone gives you a bad review, take it to heart.  For my first entry here, I got roasted like I was at my own professional roast.  It was hard.  Like you, I outed myself.  But, you know what?  I took it to heart, saw that every single person on here, even Dustin, was only trying to tell me what they felt the truth was.  It's the only way to get better.  

In poker, you find out how good you are by your wallet size.  If you keep losing, then you know you probably shouldn't play in any world series of poker events.  In writing, it's the same thing.  

Scripts have been tossed aside for a typo.  And the reason for that isn't the fact that there was a typo.  It's the fact that if the writer missed a typo on page 1, then what else have they missed?  What other script problems exist?

writing in general and screenwriting in specific has gone crazy.  Anyone with a computer and internet access can submit a story.  That means the gatekeepers are so overworked now.  They look for any reason to put a script down and go to the next one.  Whether or not that is fair doesn't matter because that's the simple truth.  

Not naming your characters is always a bad idea.  If you don't care enough to name your main characters then why should we care?  

What was the apocalypse?  You never mention it.  Why couldn't they share the bunker with the other couple?  Why wasn't the other couple already in the bunker?  

Your main character is an awful human being.  And that's okay, but, and this is the rage of quite a few writing circles right now, how unlikeable can you make him?  You made him villain status.  That's dangerous for your protag.  

That said, there is a story here.  And it's an interesting on.  Fix it up and make it the best it can be.  Jeff can be harsh, but, in many cases, he also speaks the truth.  It's okay not to like someone, but, you might want to respect each person who takes the time to read.

Sorry for the rant, but, I felt compelled to do that.

Good luck with it
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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