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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Dear Departed - Optioned
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  Author    Dear Departed - Optioned  (currently 851 views)
Don
Posted: May 4th, 2017, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dear Departed by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Horror, Comedy - A plumber gets more than he bargained for when calling around an old lady's house to fix her toilet. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 13th, 2017, 2:31pm
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LuisAnthony
Posted: May 11th, 2017, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Ok I read this and it was very interesting.

First off, I really love the dialogue exchange between Irena and Phil, both of their personalities were very clear through the entirety of the screenplay, and you accomplished it simply through dialogue, so good job, you handled the characters very well,

I actually thought the way the whole thing played out after the sex was hilarious. The dialogue and the plot takes many eccentric turns. You describe this as a horror, comedy, so I can conclude that it was intentional

And the balance between the horror and the comedy was well realized. The thought of a sixty seven year old woman practically raping a twenty three year old man is already horrifying enough.

The only thing that I would suggest is maybe tighten the tension a little bit in the beginning, the dialogue is too fast and the main plot just comes out of nowhere. I think it would be a lot stronger if you expanded a little on some of the more subtle actions Irena does to fully sell the script.

So yeah, I can see how this can be very hard for some people to get into. But for some of us who love horror with comedy undertones, it is a strong screenplay.

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StevenClark
Posted: May 12th, 2017, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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A right creepy tale. Good writing and nice pace made this a breeze to read. I could say, well, what happens next? Surely Phil would be found innocent based on the decomposition level of George, but why ruin a good story? Phil's boner speaks volumes, and makes for an amusing ending. I like it right there (the story, that is). Good job!

Steve


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MarkItZero
Posted: May 12th, 2017, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, great stuff, Dustin. Flew through the read and enjoyed every disturbing minute of it. Irena is done so well. Starting with that awkward comment about plumbing, to her stuffing her head in the pillow, and needing to believe those things about Phil's wife. You got every detail of her warped mind right.

One very tiny nitpick --

After starting the chainsaw, a malicious idea forms in
Phil’s mind
. He turns, slowly, to face Irena but stops -
going from malicious to doting in a heartbeat - when he sees
her clutching a gun.

This caused a moment of confusion cuz it sounded like he was just now deciding to turn on her. Like all the stuff before was not trickery to escape, because he's just now forming the idea. If no one else mentions it, then it's probably all in my head...

But I'd consider switching the first line to:

Sensing an opening, Phil revs the chainsaw with malicious intent.
He turns, slowly, to face Irena but stops - going from malicious to
doting in a heartbeat - when he sees her clutching a gun.


That rug really tied the room together.
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eldave1
Posted: May 12th, 2017, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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A quick read - solid effort. Good to see you back


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Thanks for the read on this one, guys. Glad you enjoyed it. This has been optioned by an animation company that has mainly worked in the corporate arena and now wants to branch out into films. If this one works out, I'm hoping that a couple more of my scripts can be turned into animation, in particular, 'Welcome to the Machine', that we have already discussed - but obviously all efforts are geared toward this project for now.

The voice actors have been recorded and the animation artists have pitched. The producer is just sorting through them now. Hopefully, this one will be ready by the end of the year.


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eldave1
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Quoted from Dustin
Thanks for the read on this one, guys. Glad you enjoyed it. This has been optioned by an animation company that has mainly worked in the corporate arena and now wants to branch out into films. If this one works out, I'm hoping that a couple more of my scripts can be turned into animation, in particular, 'Welcome to the Machine', that we have already discussed - but obviously all efforts are geared toward this project for now.

The voice actors have been recorded and the animation artists have pitched. The producer is just sorting through them now. Hopefully, this one will be ready by the end of the year.


Very cool! Look forward to seeing it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: August 7th, 2017, 3:03am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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The producer currently has a character creator that should take approximately a month to create the characters before the animator animates them. All going well, actual production of the film should begin in the next two months.


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eldave1
Posted: August 7th, 2017, 10:01am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Very cool - looking forward to seeing it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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