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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Awaken - Filmed!  
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  Author    Awaken - Filmed!    (currently 2744 views)
Don
Posted: May 13th, 2017, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Awaken by Roy E. - Short, Drama - A boy struggles with being raised by a drug addict. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 31st, 2023, 1:39pm
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LuisAnthony
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one quite a bit.

The writing is very good.

You did a great job building the intensity of the short, it was a strong crescendo until the final blow.

The characters were also good, you did a fair job establishing their personalities with their actions.

The ending is bitter, not sure how to feel about it personally, but it works for the story you´re trying to convey.

Good job! Best of Luck!
Luis
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Roy
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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I appreciate the comments, Luis. I was kind of expecting a bludgeoning, so this response was refreshing. I'm still learning all the formatting/phrasing rules.  I found a few formatting errors after the submission, of course!  

Let me know if there is something I can give you a return read on. Again, your time was much appreciated!
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eldave1
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Parts of this were superb. It is a very poignant story.

SPOILERS


Quoted Text
MARIE
I brought you into this world...
She lifts the belt high. He covers up.
JACOB
Please..dont--
WHACK.
MARIE(CONT’D)
and I can take you out!


A hiccup for me - This dialogue has been so many times in films. Everything was great to this point. Think of something on your own - original.


Quoted Text
COP
No, She didn’t hurt anyone. She was
swerving a bit so I pulled her
over. But don’t worry, we had her
checked out. Doc says she’ll be
fine in the morning. Just had a bad
reaction to her medication.
JACOB
It’s not a bad reaction, she takes
too many!
COP
(condescending)
I understand how it seems like
that, but I spoke to the Doctor
myself.


Didn't by this at all - 1. That the cop would not arrest her for driving under the influence and (2) that he would call the Doctor and the Doctor would disclose private patient information. It defies logic.


Quoted Text
MARIE MILLER(V.0.) & JACOB MILLER
What else can I do?


This should really be formatted as dual dialogue

Regardless - you have some real writing chops - it was a nice read.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Roy
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your input. I will try to make this a little more believable (and remove the cliche!). I'll need to look up dual dialogue, I thought I had it correctly formatted.

Thank you very much! I'll be looking out for your posts to return the read.

Revision History (1 edits)
Roy  -  May 14th, 2017, 8:46pm
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eldave1
Posted: May 15th, 2017, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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It's just dialogue side by side - something like  indicated here:

http://kb.finaldraft.com/artic.....-writer-for-the-ipad


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Miranda
Posted: May 16th, 2017, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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I also like it.
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Roy
Posted: May 17th, 2017, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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I appreciate you taking the time to read this and comment! Thank you, Villas!
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Don
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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From "Roy"

"My first script ever that was posted on your website was found and starts filming next week.

"Awaken" is the script. "


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats. Great  news


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Roy
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Dave! Your input certainly helped ^^
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Don
Posted: May 8th, 2022, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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From Roy E.

"The very first script I wrote was part of one of your challenges and i missed the deadline, but finished it and posted it to be critiqued. It has been filmed (was severely slowed down with covid) and finally finished and submitted to its first film festival (they have started submitting to several more as well).

It will be playing in Orlando this coming weekend at the Christian Film Festival  and it was not only selected - but nominated for four categories (Best Short Film, Most Inspirational, Best Actor, and Best Actress). "

Don


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Zack
Posted: May 8th, 2022, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Roy! Looking forward to checking it out once it's available. Keep us updated.
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Don
Posted: March 31st, 2023, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Filmed:

Awaken (12 pages (Short, Drama) pdf format ) by Roy E.


A boy struggles with being raised by a drug addict.






Discuss this script on the Discussion Board



Produced by Anita Cordell and Directed by Ty Jones. IMDB page: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10796186


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: March 31st, 2023, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy Roy E.

There are a lot of films about drugs addiction. 'Awaken' adds a new chapter to them. It is a small film, which shows the daily life of a mother(an addict) in a realistic manner. In addition to the struggle for life, love plays an important role. 'Awaken' manages to touch the very soul, is fascinating and intriguing. I mean, even from the get-go it basically affirms the type of film it'll be and how it'll be presented, which is both beautiful as an individual piece, but also really disturbing in the context of the film. The performances here are compelling, all of the main actors totally and fully committed. The lead actress, Anita Cordell, If I remember correctly, a fantastic performance. Raw and real and totally honest, no artifice or anything.

Overall, I don't think it's flawless, but it's pretty touching and hopefully is able to impact someone out there. It should do very well. Best of Irish Luck.


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