Remee by Richard Russell - Short, Horror - A young boy tries to determine who is more important-mom or dad-with the help of a clown. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was very interesting.

You did a very good job laying down some questions in the beginning, and when the answers finally came in the last couple of pages, it was a nice payoff.

I like the dynamic that Timmy has with the clown, the conversation was interesting and easy to follow.

The end was creepy, works for me.

Best of luck,
Luis

creepy clown stuff, always seems to work, although one feels that the evil clown is a well worn path

strangely, on finishing the read, i feel there was a lot this premise could offer - as almost this was an intro, rather than a story

the dad part was perhaps a little distracting - is he alive, is he real, is he home - but then never seen

i liked it, but in some ways it could deliver more

got potential -

i will say this, it is very contained, so a classic low budget horror-ish short. should be picked up, by a student like producer

all the best

Hi Richard,

SPOILERS- kind of

Didn't mind this one. It did feel quite familiar, but it was unique enough that I could definitely see it being filmed. It will probably be snapped up quick once 'It' is relased and everyone wants to make a killer clown film. The twist didn't hold out right to the end but it was still a good reveal when it clicked.

One nit pick, I didn't like this description, it just felt clunky:  

Quoted Text 40, with 40 face

Other than that good job.

Richard,

The scenario felt a little familiar out of the gate but I warmed to this as the intent behind Timmy’s list became apparent.  A second read makes this all the more sinister.  

A couple of things that stood out:

‘The door opens and TIMMY’S MOM enters. 40, with 40 face and a body that shows several births.’

Nitpick, but this line stands out from the rest for the awkward phrasing surrounding the age.  Sure there’s a smoother way to write this.  I’m not sure what ‘a body that shows several births’ would look like - at least not with clothes on and even then I’m not sure I’m qualified...

The question of why Timmy would go along with Remee could do with underpinning.  Something to suggest he’s completely under the clown’s control or some such angle to help the story logic.  Why would he let this clown eat his family?

REMEE
Don’t blame me. You were the one who said the words.

TIMMY
I didn’t believe they would work.

I like this hint as to the ‘why’.  I almost want to know more.  Are these words linked to the death of the sisters only - like a trigger, or the whole reason behind Remee’s ‘existence’?

Creepy clown, good sense of mystery driving it along, shoestring appeal.  I think you’ve got something good here.  I’d be surprised if it wasn’t picked up.  Best of luck.

Steve