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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Colour Fool
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  Author    Colour Fool  (currently 647 views)
Don
Posted: May 28th, 2017, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Colour Fool by Sunil Kulkarni - Short, Drama - Vikram's life is drab and colourless. He meets a colour blind man who can only see Vikram in full colour. 15 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 7th, 2017, 2:53pm
revised draft
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SunilK
Posted: May 29th, 2017, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Any chance of a read and some feedback on this one? Happy to exchange reads if someone cares to have a newbie read.
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eldave1
Posted: May 30th, 2017, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Hey, Sunilk: plenty of problems on page 1 which means there are problems throughout.


Quoted Text
1. EXT DAY STREET NEXT TO A METRO STATION


The slug is incorrect:

- Do not number it - no need
- Always indicate time (DAY, NIGHT) at the end of the slug
- Period after EXT or INT.
- Hyphen sub locations.

The above should be something like:

EXT.  CITY STREET/METRO STATION - DAY


Quoted Text
VIKRAM is a 35 year old software engineer. No
specs, average looking.


Eliminate the is and ares and don't tell us what they don't have - i.e., no specs isn't needed.  Also you have an unfilmable - i.e., how does someone film software engineer. That must ne demonstrated through action or dialogue. This should be something:


Quoted Text
Walks with a slight stoop brought
on by carrying a laptop bag around. Dressed in an
anonymous grey suit. Seems like a person you would not
remember seeing before.
Hordes of people walking into the station, any working
morning, sunny and clear. One of them is Vikram who does
not stand out. Drably dressed in an "acceptable" grey
suit. Bearing of sadness.Face of a person who has
forgotten to smile by himself.


Most of this over written and again unfilmable. You are writing in novel fashion.

The first two paragraphs can basically be boiled down to:

VIKRAM (35), average looking, gray suit, walks with a slight stoop through a crowd in the station.  

I've stopped here - there are just so many errors. Take a look at some scripts to get a sense of how they are formatted/written. Best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SunilK
Posted: May 31st, 2017, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Eldave1. Lots of things for me to work on.
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eldave1
Posted: May 31st, 2017, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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No problem - good luck, mate


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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