The Bribe by Logan McDonald - Short, Comedy - When a man tries to bribe a cop, things get... awkward. 6 pages

production: Super Small budget. All you need is 2 actors, 2 cars and an empty parking lot. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Click to view the film.

Cute. Last line was funny. Reminiscent of a Python sketch. Could be tighter, should be a bit longer. Easy to film, could be good for YouTube or someone's reel. Good luck with it.

Hi Logan,

Yeah this is cute, would be fun to film. I was confused along with the cop and kept falling for the sexual innuendos.
There was one bit of dialogue that I felt was out of place, I think in normal circumstance the cop would just ask you to step out of the car and definitely not ask to look. I could be wrong, but it slowed it down bit.

OFFICER ELIJAH
Look, you're acting a little jumpy
and it's starting to make me think
something is not right here. Would
you mind if I take a look around
the car?

Maybe use something along these lines.
'Okay your looking a little jumpy I'm going to have to check the car.'

Anyways good luck with it...

Premise - relatively clever.

The Cop's dialogue did not seem at all Cop-like.

There are a ton of typos throughout - misspellings. incorrect punctuation, etc. You really need to take another look through this and get them fixed.

I didn't understand the opening:

Quoted Text SHANE (early 30's) shuts the door of a beaten down late 90's Honda decked out with a blue door that complements the rest of the red car. Shane looks over to see a police car pull into the parking lot. Shane swallows hard.

A blue door that "compliments" the rest of the red car - do you mean - stands in contrast to?? Anyway - since it plays no part in the plot - not needed.

There are areas where the descriptions could be more efficient. An example:

Quoted Text The cruiser comes to a stop and OFFICER ELIJAH (40) steps out of the car. He adjusts his belt and pulls up his pants. Elijah walks over toward Shane and puts his hands on his belt

Crisper as:

The cruiser comes to a stop. OFFICER ELIJAH (40) exits. He adjusts his belt, pulls up his pants then  walks towards Shane.

Best of luck with this

I'm confused as to the exact reason Shane got arrested. Was it because he bribed the policeman, or was it because he said 'Benny Swallows'. I was expecting Shane to get arrested the former reason, the whole time. I thought your dialogue was entertaining, though.

“The Bribe” Review

This was entertaining. It was a light piece using something serious. It was too the point, very little fat on it, and the dialogue was pretty good. Only issue I saw was the officer asking to search the car and not ask the driver to step out of it. Overall, pretty good. Keep it up.

Click to view the film.

Congrats

Bravo! Nice job.

Watched the short on Utube - Done no justice to a good read.