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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  The Bribe - Filmed
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  Author    The Bribe - Filmed  (currently 1442 views)
Don
Posted: July 1st, 2017, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Bribe by Logan McDonald - Short, Comedy - When a man tries to bribe a cop, things get... awkward. 6 pages

production: Super Small budget. All you need is 2 actors, 2 cars and an empty parking lot. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 26th, 2020, 1:42pm
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ajr
Posted: July 4th, 2017, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Cute. Last line was funny. Reminiscent of a Python sketch. Could be tighter, should be a bit longer. Easy to film, could be good for YouTube or someone's reel. Good luck with it.


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Kirsten
Posted: July 8th, 2017, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Logan,

Yeah this is cute, would be fun to film. I was confused along with the cop and kept falling for the sexual innuendos.
There was one bit of dialogue that I felt was out of place, I think in normal circumstance the cop would just ask you to step out of the car and definitely not ask to look. I could be wrong, but it slowed it down bit.

OFFICER ELIJAH
Look, you're acting a little jumpy
and it's starting to make me think
something is not right here. Would
you mind if I take a look around
the car?

Maybe use something along these lines.
'Okay your looking a little jumpy I'm going to have to check the car.'

Anyways good luck with it...


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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eldave1
Posted: July 8th, 2017, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Premise - relatively clever.

The Cop's dialogue did not seem at all Cop-like.

There are a ton of typos throughout - misspellings. incorrect punctuation, etc. You really need to take another look through this and get them fixed.

I didn't understand the opening:


Quoted Text
SHANE (early 30's) shuts the door of a beaten down late 90's
Honda decked out with a blue door that complements the rest
of the red car. Shane looks over to see a police car pull
into the parking lot. Shane swallows hard.


A blue door that "compliments" the rest of the red car - do you mean - stands in contrast to?? Anyway - since it plays no part in the plot - not needed.

There are areas where the descriptions could be more efficient. An example:


Quoted Text
The cruiser comes to a stop and OFFICER ELIJAH (40) steps
out of the car. He adjusts his belt and pulls up his pants.
Elijah walks over toward Shane and puts his hands on his
belt


Crisper as:

The cruiser comes to a stop. OFFICER ELIJAH (40) exits. He adjusts his belt, pulls up his pants then  walks towards Shane.

Best of luck with this




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Simon
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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I'm confused as to the exact reason Shane got arrested. Was it because he bribed the policeman, or was it because he said 'Benny Swallows'. I was expecting Shane to get arrested the former reason, the whole time. I thought your dialogue was entertaining, though.


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EscapeVelocity13
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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“The Bribe” Review

This was entertaining. It was a light piece using something serious. It was too the point, very little fat on it, and the dialogue was pretty good. Only issue I saw was the officer asking to search the car and not ask the driver to step out of it. Overall, pretty good. Keep it up.
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Don
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Click to view the film.


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 27th, 2020, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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Bravo! Nice job.


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BarryJohn
Posted: May 27th, 2020, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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Watched the short on Utube - Done no justice to a good read.


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
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