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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Iraq Homecoming
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  Author    Iraq Homecoming  (currently 532 views)
Don
Posted: July 28th, 2017, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Iraq Homecoming by Tim Finkbeiner - Short, Drama - A woman struggles with her war horrors. 10 Pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


OWC that didn't meet the reqs.


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eldave1
Posted: July 28th, 2017, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Don't think you are quite ready yet. You may have a great story, but there are so many formatting and grammatical errors, folks won't get through page 1. Just on the opening 1/3rd of the first page.

The title page is a mess and you name is incorrectly on the first page of the script.


Quoted Text
EXT IRAQ STREET - AFTERNOON


period after EXT. Give us the city.


Quoted Text
STACY L., 34, mother and soldier is in the middle of an
intense firefight in Iraq.


Give last name. Typo between L and 34. The fact that she is a mother is unfilmable - eliminate it. Need to deliver this info through dialogue or action.


Quoted Text
Sgt. Liddell's EYES finally focus through the guns sights
just after she has fired a three-round burst.


You cap EYES - not needed, but fail to cap Sgt Liddell (needed). First time he is intro'd.

Basically, you need to spend sometime learning the basic framework to script writing - Google is your friend in this regard.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SilvaSly104
Posted: August 1st, 2017, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Life is Art

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Hello Tim

Quite an interesting plot. I usually steer clear away from stories that rely heavily on religious exposition, but I read through it anyway, and it sure was interesting. You seem to have something here, but will definitely require some more cultivation.

But like the previous reviewer mentioned, some people may not even get a chance to read your script, having already been introduced to the many formatting errors that plague many a screenwriter. I can't tell if this is your first time writing a script, or you have written many before and wrote this just as a basic framework for your final draft. If the former, then I will offer some suggestions below.

1) If you feel the need to include a character's last name, mention their name in full during the introductory action paragraph. Heck, you could have done away with her first name and just stuck with SGT. LIDDELL. Flip-flopping between a first and last name will easily confuse a reader into thinking these are two different characters.
2) First action paragraph - your header already lets us know your character is in Iraq. No need to repeat it in the action paragraph as well.
3) Second Header onwards...are we still in Iraq?
4) Lastly, other issues I noticed are spelling errors, and proper use of punctuation. If you were to ever submit this to a competition or an agent, they would send it right back to you even after looking at your title page, which has no content.

As the previous reviewer mentioned, google is your friend.  
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Simon
Posted: August 28th, 2017, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure you needed quite so many quotes from the bible and the quran, but I liked your story. Sort your title page out, and I don't think your email should be on the same page as your script.


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