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White Faces by Robert Katoggo - Thriller - When an albino boy Benjamin escapes the harsh life he goes through because of his nature, he falls into the hands of a man who slaughters and sells albinos body parts and organs. 72 pages - pdf, format
Read the first few pages and will not continue. Far too many grammatical errors in both actions and dialogue that leaves the reader very confused.
Example:
Quoted Text
EXT. SLUM SIDE - AFTER NOON
Commotion rises as each of many teen aged street children proclaim his support between the two fellows who are fighting. Walking on a slow pace, Benjamin stands by their side in a short distance. One of them spots him.
The logline intrigued me and I was into it for the first 7pages, but then the grammatical errors also started bothering me, but I continued reading until the end; skimming through most of the middle part.
Some of the dialogue idioms confused me. For example: But stick on your mind anyway (Anna, Page 24). There were a few other pieces of dialogue like this.
I liked the relationship between Benjamin and Manjeri. It reminded me a bit of the relationship between the kids in Slumdog Millionaire.
The message at the end (The VO message from Benjamin) felt more like something out of a public service announcement than something that belongs in a thriller.
Also, its a bit odd how Benjamin delivers the news on Page 55. I don't know what tone he's saying it in, so I'm unsure how to feel when that news is delivered.
As far as story structure and plot points, i think it works for the most part, but it does feel unbalanced in some parts.