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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  White Faces Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 30th, 2017, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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White Faces by Robert Katoggo - Thriller - When an albino boy Benjamin escapes the harsh life he goes through because of his nature, he falls into the hands of a man who slaughters and sells albinos body parts and organs.  72 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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TimC
Posted: August 1st, 2017, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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Read the first few pages and will not continue. Far too many grammatical errors in both actions and dialogue that leaves the reader very confused.

Example:


Quoted Text
EXT. SLUM SIDE - AFTER NOON

Commotion rises as each of many teen aged street children
proclaim his support between the two fellows who are
fighting. Walking on a slow pace, Benjamin stands by their
side in a short distance. One of them spots him.


My screenplays:

Hell To Pay (thriller)

Killer Crocs (working title / work in progress)
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Sandra
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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The logline intrigued me and I was into it for the first 7pages, but then the grammatical errors also started bothering me, but I continued reading until the end; skimming through most of the middle part.  


Some of the dialogue idioms confused me. For example: But stick on your mind anyway (Anna, Page 24). There were a few other pieces of dialogue like this.

I  liked the relationship between Benjamin and Manjeri. It reminded me a bit of the relationship between the kids in Slumdog Millionaire.

The message at the end (The VO message from Benjamin) felt more like something out of a public service announcement than something that belongs in a thriller.

Also, its a bit odd how Benjamin delivers the news on Page 55. I don't know what tone he's saying it in, so I'm unsure how to feel when that news is delivered.

As far as story structure and plot points, i think it works for the most part, but it does feel unbalanced in some parts.
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