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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Solitude
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Don
Posted: July 30th, 2017, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Solitude by Thomas J Campbell - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In the face of planetary destruction A man abandons his family to spend his last moments alone. 2 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: July 30th, 2017, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Well written - I liked it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ajr
Posted: July 30th, 2017, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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You have two text lines mixed in with the subsequent action lines, I believe.

If you wanted to me to feel contempt for this man, you succeeded.

However, this is way too short. You simply relate the events. There is no emotion attached to it, no gravitas, no guilt or struggle. Why does he feel he needs to do this?

Not sure what you were trying to achieve.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Michael
Posted: August 3rd, 2017, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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What I get out of this short is that an asteroid is going to wipe out Earth, he goes to the wilderness with pills and whiskey to commit suicide.

Suz must be his wife... he has kids.

If I was him I would stay at home, get fuckered up, and screw the hell out of my wife.

Best to die with a smile on your face.
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Warren
Posted: August 3rd, 2017, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi Thomas,


Quoted Text
A man, JOHN (32)


No real need to say a man if his name is John, don't know how many female Johns you know.

I don't get it at all. What's his motivation for going into the woods and having a potentially slow painful death? Why not spend it with his family? Is there a reason he doesn't want to?

If it's a planet killer, I imagine it would be quick and painless.

If there was a reason for him to be doing what he did it could probably be a good little short.


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