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A Working Girl by Anthony Brooks - Drama - A strong independent young woman wants to have her own business someday, but do to other circumstances, shed pulled away from that life and is forced to join the exotic entertainment industry to help her family stay together. 97 pages
contest: Freeway Screenwriter contest Hollywood - pdf, format
WE OPEN, TO A CROWD OF STUDENTS SITTING OUTSIDE ON WHITE CHAIRS IN THE GRASS. A YOUNG LADY (18 YEARS), BY THE NAME OF MONICA JOHNSON, WALKS ACROSS THE STAGE TO EXCEPT HER DIPLOMA. MONICA RECEIVES HER DIPLOMA FROM A OLD WHITE MAN WITH A BOLD HEAD WAITING TO SHAKE HER HAND AND TO CONGRATULATE HER ON A JOB WELL DONE. MONICA STANDS THERE WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE AND WAVES TO THE CROWED AS SHE AND HER PARENTS MR. AND MRS JOHNSON APPLAUD HER. SHE CAREFULLY WALKS OFF STAGE OVER TO HER PARENTS SIDE, SO PROUD AND HAPPY THAT SHE FINALLY MADE IT.
Never open like this. Delete it and write the actual scene. I promise you, no one will get by this first block.
Quoted Text
EXT. GRADUATION DAY - HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING
Monica stands by her parents so happy to have graduated and ready to start her plans for college.
The scene heading is wrong - Graduation Day is not a location.
CAP and describe your characters when first introduced.
Quoted Text
MRS. JOHNSON Oh, baby we're so proud of you. Have you figured out what you're gonna do after all this?
MONICA Yes, I did mom. I'm so happy you ask me that, because I got it all figured out. I want to go to college and study business because I want to have my own someday.
Mr. Johnson looks at her with a strange look on his face.
MR. JOHNSON Oh, wow that's great honey but, I don't think we can afford to send you to college right now.
The dialogue is dreadfully on the nose/unnatural. It's her graduation and her and her parents have never had a conversation before about what she's going to do after High School?????