SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 2:24pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Skip - QC - filmed Moderators: MarkItZero
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Skip - QC - filmed  (currently 3616 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Skip by Gary Howell writing as Joe Blow
- Short, Drama - A woman finds it difficult to communicate with her mother, but will that change when her great-granddaughter comes for a visit? 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


++++++++++++++++

This has been filmed and can be viewed at: https://vimeo.com/317623019 - the password is !skip_


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 13th, 2019, 7:59pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:01am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
68
Posts Per Day
0.03
Wow, a jump rope wasn't used as a tool of death?! Way to be lol.

This is a sweet story. Well balanced. Liked the ending. Simple. Might be one of my favorites so far.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 38
khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:44am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hey.

I sensed some exposition in the dialog - when Anna says "like I taught your mother. And like my mom taught me" . I also didn't like "Always was your favorite, that Jane". Those parts don't seem to flow well for me.
Other than that it's a sweet little tale well told.
I think you could get away with some dialog. Just tell us Gloria doesn't remember anything and the rhyme.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 38
Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:09am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi,

Thought this was a well written piece. I think it would make a good short but to read it it's a little too much for me.

I know it's good, but it's a taste thing with this one.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 38
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:22am Report to Moderator
Guest User



How come Anna gets late 50s and Jane gets 27? Why be age specific in one case and not the other?

Code

ANNA
Where did you learn that song?

SOPHIE
My mom taught me.

ANNA
Like I taught her. And like my mom
taught me. Speaking of which...



She'd know where she learned the song from. Wouldn't need to be said. This information still should be delivered but a rewording is necessary, IMO. Something like...

ANNA
I remember teaching your mom that song when
she was your age.


I didn't feel anything at the end. Maybe I'm not in the mood for a heart-warming.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 38
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:19am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
A sweet tale. You really telegraphed what was going to happen with the song by having Anna point it out for the audience. I'd suggest letting it happen in a more natural way.

Predictable but a very decent effort for 3 pages.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 38
Talldave
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:16am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
132
Posts Per Day
0.05
So, as people pointed out, there are spots where dialogue seems a little meh. Other than that, great little heart warmer.

Maybe it worked for me because I got kids and I've seen the magic they work on even the saddest situations, but it felt real and I loved that. Good job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 38
Grandma Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
Not bad at all. It just felt lukewarm to me. Maybe because it was very predictable. I would also think that Gloria is in a nursing home rather than a retirement home.

If you're going to rewrite this, I would suggest making Gloria not really remember much of anything. Maybe she calls her own daughter by the wrong name or such and then let the song play part later on. Skip the prior exposition where she tells the granddaughter her mom taught her that same song and reveal that only after Gloria recognizes the song.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 38
MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
I think you can tighten this up. Not sure you need the first scene at all. It establishes that Anna is taking Sophie to see her great-grandmother. But then you have to repeat that same information in the car:


Quoted Text
SOPHIE
Where are we going, gram?

ANNA
To my mom, love. Your great-gram.


It also establishes the song, but Jane is already out of the scene when that happens. You could just start in the car with Anna and Sophie driving to the retirement home. Sophie sings the song in the car. Then again in the retirement while jumping rope like you already have.

Also, I'd try and rework this line:


Quoted Text
ANNA
Like I taught her. And like my mom
taught me. Speaking of which..


Maybe something like:

ANNA
Bet you can't guess who taught her that.

SOPHIE
(grinning)
You!


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 38
JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
This played out just how I figured. It was a nice story but nothing I'd go out of my way to see. Most of the dialog was expected. Shake it up a bit. You can get to the same ending by taking a path less traveled.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 38
stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Nice little feel good story. Used the props well. Yeah some of the dialogue needs to be changed but overall it was cool



Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 38
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3664
Posts Per Day
0.60
Nice. Sweet.

Who says things need to be complicated to be good.

This was well written and I don't have any complaints.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 38
grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Not much to add at this point. I liked the way the rope was used.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 38
Michael
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
New


Hi to all, it's great to be here.

Location
Virginia
Posts
68
Posts Per Day
0.03
Nice little sentimental story...

Good job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 38
Gary in Houston
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
So, like others have pointed out, a bit of exposition at the beginning that could be done away with or modified to make it a little less obvious what's coming.  Still a sweet ending - no one committing suicide, no Satan burning down the place, no shotgunning of dogs or pedophilia.  Yay!  On another note, I've read somewhere that people with Alzheimer's have actually shown improvements in memory when utilizing songs.  Look at Glen Campbell.  That guy was pretty deep in and could still play a guitar with the best of them. So good incorporation of that if that's what you were going for.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 38
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The Quickie Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006