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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Ice Cream Soda - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ice Cream Soda by Oliver Sevens - Short, Horror - Nursery rhymes turn murderous when your time is up. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

INT. NURSING HOME - NIGHT

It's late...



Yeah... it's night.

Code

The Girl advances further



No need for 'further'.

I got kinda lost toward the end. But I think the ghosts are representative of the dead person's younger self. Needs a bit of work, but is a worthy enough story.


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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, wow. THis was a captivating read, kept me on my toes. And suddenly works.
I don't know who the girl is and why these ghost kids are suddenly attacking all the residents of the nursing home but the images in this are very powerful.
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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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I hadn't heard either of those nursery rhymes before so that didn't have much effect. Didn't get the hound either. Would the nurse call to inform of someone passing so quick? Eh, it's horror and doesn't really matter.

Soooo...was the girl the old lady or the nurse? I was sure it was the old lady until a boy showed up for the janitor.

Regardless, this has a high creep factor and I liked it. Give it another page or two and you may have something here.
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DanC
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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It was oddly creepy, but, confusing.

SPOILERS

So, when a person dies, they see a young person jump roping?  Is that the message?  

Why did the janitor vanish early on?

Interesting, but, while it might seem sinister, the fact is, death is a part of "life" so to speak.  Nothing sinister about it.  If there is something sinister happening, we need to know why.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, that is my real hair...

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First passage loaded with completely unnecessary unfilmables.

"The Girl's skipping rope..." - so...listen...this is passive, first of all, but more importantly, it's awkward, because used like this, it could mean 2 completely different things - 1) The girl is skipping rope, or 2) There is a "skipping rope" that belongs to the girl.

The writing continues to be what I refer to as awkward, and the story, for me, is nonexistent.  The jump rope here has been shoehorned in to meet the challenge.

Not for me.

* 1/2


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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So the janitor is like, "Helen? Hmm."  I guess he's used to seeing dead bodies lying around the place.

This was just kind of weird for me, a girl appears jumping rope AFTER Rosemarie dies, but then Helen dies after seeing the jump rope girl. And a hound at the window!  But then the Janitor sees a kid with a toy gun.  Now he's going to die?  If I'm following the logic here, then Rosemarie must have seen someone, but we don't know, because it wasn't shown.  So maybe she just died of natural causes and the kids are out to seek vengeance on the nursing home workers.

Not badly written, just a tad confusing.

Good luck,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Creepy in places and would be great with a clean up of a few things.

Just to be pedantic, IMO there is a difference between a skipping rope and a jump rope: the former is smaller and used by one person while a proper jump rope is usually much longer and is tied to a tree or held by another person to swing.


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StevenClark
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

The writing seems awkward. Good in spots, though. Some creepy stuff going on here, but nothing to really explain who the Girl or boy was, and what they signified. That's needed, IMO. Not a bad effort though!


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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't mind this one, it was kind of creepy but I was lost on the details.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

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Tyler King
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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This was pretty creepy, but too much for just 3 pages... I was pretty confused. I wouldn't mind seeing you expand this into something longer. There's potential here.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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Nicely written in a sense that I could clearly see what was going on, could do with a polish to get rid of some unfilmables.

Atmospheric and creepy for sure but confusing. Why are these hellish kids appearing? I've no idea, and that in itself is the problem for me. Random supernatural occurrences are great for a writer looking to write themselves out of a corner but they are not satisfying for the viewer.

You are onto something here though, flesh this out over a few more pages and you may have yourself a very creepy short script.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Nothing new to really add here. Had some creepy moments. Like everyone else, I wanted these ghost appearances to have some purpose.

It could be a simple revenge tale, maybe the nurse has been killing patients. Although that's not even remotely original. Hopefully you can develop this story more. Solid effort.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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The best thing about this was it had that empty weird spook factor going on.

The visuals were really strong with the janitor there, late in the night feel.

I could almost hear the echoes.

The trouble with it is lack of co--relation with ideas that made it into the story. There weren't legitimate reasons for their existence. Even the jumprope, with the ghost girl. What is her link to Helen?

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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ajr
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Definitely creepy, child ghosts seem kind of random though. I'm sure there's a myth or legend we're missing, will be interested to hear the writer explain it.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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