Dog Days by Kenneth Dyson - Drama, Crime - A career criminal and his girlfriend go on the run after double-crossing his mob boss employer after robbing a bank fronted by the mob. 106 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Kenneth - a problem out of the shoot.

Quoted Text INT. ‘06 CHEVY IMPALA - MORNING (VICTORVILLE, CA) The silver Chevy is parked in the rear lot of the Desert Community Bank among four other cars. BANK EMPLOYEES arrive and go inside. The morning heat is stifling Behind the wheel is THOMPSON, late-twenties, cleanshaven. Next to him is LYNCH, late-thirties, stubble beard, dark hair, cool smile, cool looks. Both wear boiler suits and gloves

Your first scene heading is inside the car. You can't just go outside the bank without a different scene heading.

The set up has to go something like:

EXT. BANK PARKING LOT - MORNING

A silver 06 CHEVY IMPALA parked among four other cars.

BANK EMPLOYEES arrive and go inside....

INT.  CHEVY IMPALA - MORNING

Behind the wheel is THOMPSON, late-twenties, cleanshaven.
Next to him is LYNCH, late-thirties, stubble....

The first six pages were a bit tedious for me - two dudes talking about sex - could really be trimmed down.

If you're going to start 6 pages of dialogue not essential to the plot - it has to be the best dialogue in the world.

Might be more interesting if they're having an argument abour sex - one ripping on the other - and it spills into the robbery. And unless you've made that joke up i wouldn't open with it.

But dialogue all reads well. Action too.

That massive passage of dialogue on the first page sure makes the script look unattractive. It is the first thing you notice when you open the script.

'12 Signs of a Promising Spec Script - No 9: The dialogue is short and to the point -
There’s nothing worse than opening a screenplay and being faced with a single speech that goes on for a page or two or five. This is usually a sign that the writer is using dialogue to deliver exposition that he/she should be delivering visually or dramatically and/or that he/she is overstuffing the piece with irrelevant detail, musings, or digressions and/or that he/she lacks discipline, focus, and the ability to edit. None of these things bode well for the script ahead.' - Ray Morten