Pace by Kavuma Mathew G.Q - Short, Thriller, Drama - Darius and Tim have been sent by their mob boss to get rid of an accountant stealing his money but Tim has plans of his own. 17 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Kavuma,
Not a bad little revenge romp.  I think it needs work, though.  Lots of script mending necessary.

Please forgive me if I'm guessing that English is not your only language.

Page 1  FRANK "What are you want"?  should be,  "What do you want"?
Page 1  DARIUS   atlist take me to dinner...  should be "at least take me to dinner..."
Page 1  DARIUS  ....minding come with us Frank?  should be, " mind coming with us, Frank?"

Anyway, I would review the entire short for similar mistakes.

I loved the tension you build while Frank is digging.  Unsettling, disturbing.  Definitely didn't want to be Frank.

During the dig I think you came up short revealing the past between Tim and Darius.  Intentionally perhaps.  You were getting there.  Perhaps, just expand  DARIUS " You know, I feel like I have me...  to, DARIUS "You know, I feel like I have met you--"  and then let Frank's O.S. cut it off.

So, for 15 years Tim has been plotting?  Darius killed his mom.  Would he wait that long?   The mayor is the mob boss?  Two birds with one stone I guess.

When Tim is unconscious in the pit, Frank says to Darius,  "Don't make me shoot you.  I just want to leave."  When did Frank pick up the gun? Just a nit.

Why  Pace?  Did I miss something ?
  
Good show.  Maybe a little rewriting and you're there.

Regards,

JJ

hallo JJ,
thanks for the feedback, i'll make sure to correct those mistakes that's what happens when you type as fast as you are thinking.
frank picked up the gun when Darius and Tim were fighting and Tim had waited all that time to make his move  because he had to step up the ranks, so to speak. it wasn't 25 years though.
as for the title, am bad with titles, thought PACE would fight in some surreal way.
thanks for the review, will make those corrections.
reagrds,
kavuma

A few spelling mistakes are made very early on. Not such a good way to start. Maybe get rid of the exclamation mark on page 2. It almost makes Darius sound cheerful. Use that punctuation rarely. I don't think there's any point of saying Frank has no choice, it's kind of assumed he hasn't. I would get rid of 'with all the regret in the world' as it's kind of a spoiler. 'DARIUS
Kid, I don't know what you’ve been smoking but stop this madness and lets kill this prick.' Maybe make Darius angrier, and less composed. I find it hard to believe that Rebecca feels so happy at times, with such a dangerous job. Maybe you could make it a bit harder for Frank to untie himself, to build more tension. I liked how Tim shot Frank. I wasn't expecting that. However, he could have told Frank to run away again. On the whole, a pretty good story, I thought. You need to sort the grammar errors out etc., though.