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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Snuff Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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Snuff by Jordan Breeding - Thriller - Three high school boys agree to produce a fake “snuff” film as a way to help fund their indie sci-fi movie, but a horrible, onset accident turns their fake film into something very, very real. 127 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 20th, 2017, 11:15am
revised draft
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Pale Yellow
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



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Gotta set the tone early on. I read this logline and it grabbed my interest but I feel like you need to set the tone early on some how and then intro your characters in this. Only read five pages... I still love the concept.
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eldave1
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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Some problems out of the shoot.


Quoted Text
VIRGINIA, PRESENT DAY


What this? If you meant it to be a SUPER - it comes after some description and don't think you need present day - it 's assumed. So - should be something like:

EXT. WOODS - AFTERNOON

Massive, gorgeous oak trees stretch endlessly in every
direction, fading away into the misty air. They tower into
the air, their leaves swallowing up the sky.

SUPER: VIRGINIA (Might as also indicate where)

You fail to introduce Aaron and Chuck as characters before they speak. A basic error.


Quoted Text
AARON
(offscreen)
What the stripey tiger tits are you


Should be:

AARON (O.S)
What the stripey tiger tits are you
doing over there?

Lose all the camera directions and Cut to

Throughout - you can lose the "is" and save space. Here is an example:


Quoted Text
CHUCK is an overweight, pudgy freshman in his early teens.
with long hair perpetually in his face.


Better is:

CHUCK, pudgy, early teens. with long hair perpetually in his face.

This from page 1 - so you have a lot of clean up to do I am guessing.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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