Blue Tube by Jakim Wong - Short, Horror, Thriller - The country’s fastest water slide is rapidly filling up with water and the state's best lifeguard is trapped inside. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I'm not one to pick on writing style, but if you want to make this a thriller let alone a horror, get rid of the sarcastic action lines you use so often. It doesn't work.

Plot holes, man...

Nails don't just appear in water slides these days. Screw perhaps? And that would severely fuck her shit up if she slid across that. I mean, it'd have to be sticking out a fair bit for it to snag a human weight being held by only a swimsuit. That alone would probably kill someone.

Why doesn't she just swim with the water to the top of the slide? Or is there a hatch at the top too? Did I not read something? I was probably distracted by your copious amounts of unnecessary action lines.

No slide I have ever seen has a hatch and then fills up with water? Am I wrong?

Where was the supervisor? Why did he ditch her and close the hatch? Perhaps he set her up because she knocks him back for a date? I don't know. Just a thought.

What does her being a lifeguard have to do with anything?

I like the idea around this, but right now it doesn't work