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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  You're Antisocial - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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  Author    You're Antisocial - OWC  (currently 1067 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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You're Antisocial by Gwen Alexis - YA, Short, Drama - A young lady living alone and being misunderstood. - pdf, format

Anthropophobia - Fear of humans


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 10:41am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Logline and title page are just awful.  I'm worried I'm not going to make it through this one.

Yeah, as I feared.  Sorry, but the writing just ain't gonna cut it for me.

Sorry, but I'm out.

NO GRADE


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Very tough to get through with the WATERMARKS all over the page. Get something free (Celtx, etc.) that won't do this to your scripts.

Not well written. A couple of general tips.


Quoted Text
INT. HOUSE - DAY

The house has shuttered closed windows and grayish cemented
walls.


Throughout - no need to repeat info already in your scene headings. We already know it is a  house so you don't need "The House is" in the first line. Start with Shuttered.


Quoted Text
ALA, late forties, stringy salt and pepper hair, and thin.
She’s on the computer.

ALA is walking down the stairs toward the door.


Throughout - IMO get rid of the is as they add unneeded words. Better as:

ALA, late forties, stringy salt and pepper hair, thin at
the computer.

ALA walks downs the stairs toward the door.

PS - You only need to CAP your names the first time.

Needs a lot of work but good on ya for entering




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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There's a lot to indicate that this may be a new'ish writer so I won't comment on the watermarks, formatting errors etc. Needless to say you need to study some scripts and script writing books and keep on writing!

I'll just comment on the story, which I really didn't buy into. It was blatantly obvious that there was something wrong with Ala and she didn't want any human contact yet, Mary seemed completely oblivious to it.  If you'd made me believe the setup more and the characters, then maybe, but in this case it didn't work for me. I'd suggest approaching the story from a different angle and not hitting the elements to the Nth degree. Everything felt like an exaggeration, try to make it seem more natural.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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Yeh, I suspect a newbie too. Hi, newbie, welcome to the site! If not new then disregard.

Yeh the watermark is irritating, but the main concern for me is that the ending feels really rushed. Also, there's a load of grammatical/formatting issues, but that'll come over time so just stick with it.

One thing that you've done well, which the other two I've read so far haven't, is stuck to the phobia, and actually made it a soul crushing paranoia. Well done there.

Look, it's not gonna win but don't be discouraged. There's some nice little bits of flow to some of the earlier lines, you just need to work and study on formatting and the formalities of screenwriting, then it'll fall into place. You can obviously envisage a story, and that's the hardest part.

All the best

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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JEStaats
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Phobia? Check. RIP? Check. Good job, you met the criteria.

It was so difficult to read: The watermarks (I use the free Trelby - no watermarks), misspellings, grammar (curious - Is English a second for you?), and clunky dialog.

Congrats on entering. You definitely made the phobia the centerpiece  - good job. Keep at it!
John
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JakeJon
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with all that's been stated.  Needs a lot of work. Start by eliminating the watermarks; it made reading your script difficult.

Your idea for a phobia was okay and the RIP was noted.

Regards,

JJ
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Watermarks, spelling, multiple (CONT'D)'s leading into a blank page ... lot of issues with this format wise.

The story itself is actually to my liking ... well the idea is anyways, the execution could do with some work. I like how a group of socials try and recruit one who physically and mentally cannot. I think this can make a good short with a re-write.


This has me laughing...


Quoted Text
Mary and her friends pushed their ways into Ala’s house.
MARY
We’re here personally to invite you
into our social group.


Probably wasn't you intent though.

Good job with the challenge parameters.
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khamanna
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hi and thanks for writing for this OWC.
I'm not a fan of watermarks and grammar errors. And usually I dont notice the errors but you've got a lot of them. I know everyone points that out but it works as an additional push.

About the story - you got me wondering whose story it is. I wish Ala was more proactive about fighting her fear. I wish there was some communication with her. The ladies acted like they were members of some crazy cult - pushed their way inside to help. To help with what?
I think you selected a difficult phobia to begin with.

But good on entering and rising to a challenge.

Revision History (1 edits)
khamanna  -  October 23rd, 2017, 4:14am
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pale yellow
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Ok title.

Your logline needs work. It isn't even a sentence. May turn some people off right away.

About the watermark and demo FD... either buy FD or use a free software. There are so many out there now. I love the online app through google. I use it when sneak writing from work. Don't like all that stuff on the first page but DO love the address. If it's really yours.. good on you ...that's a nice place for a writer to reside!

The Vroo Vroo Vroo, Bang Bang Bang, and Cuckoo Cuckoo Cuckoo is beginning to drive me crazy. Most writers do not even capitalize the sounds anymore even though that was done in the past. It slows the read, especially if to the read a bang sounds more like a gun than someone beating on a door. So if you are going to do this, try not to do it so much perhaps.

No Fade in or Fade out so we don't really know where this thing ends or if you just stopped writing and ran out of time.

Lots of typos. I am a bit of an agoraphobiac so I can relate to this phobia. I am not sure you showed it well enough.

All your characters sound the same. Like you cannot tell them apart so give them their own voices and make them feel different. Give them some depth...character... faults... assets.. just make them more real.. pick some friends you know and use them for characters in some practice scripts. Get the feel for how different they can be.

Good job completing and OWC. We are all a work in progress here... so if you are new, welcome!


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Warren
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 4:12am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Yikes, that watermark hits you right in the face, this is going to be a tough one to get through and I haven't even started.

No need to put your address on the title page, no one is going to send you a letter.


Quoted Text
The sound of a car engine starts VROO, VROO, VROO and seconds


What is it with this god awful comic book sound effects. We all know what a car sounds like.


Quoted Text
INT./EXT. HOUSE - LATE MORNING
A YOUNG MAN wears a shirt with the logo: FOOD SMART DELIVER,
as he carry two bags of groceries to the front porch. He
KNOCKS on the door. BANG, BANG, BANG.
SAME TIME - LATE MORNING
ALA is walking down the stairs toward the door.


Seems like you are trying to do an INTERCUT, but this really isn't the way to go about it.

I've given relatively detailed feedback thus far but this has so much wrong the best advice would be to read a hell of a lot more scripts and articles on screenwriting.

Story-wise, not for me.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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Vickyn
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Presentation means a lot with screenplays. Author's name is supposed to be left off of title page so all scripts are anonymous. The watermarks are a huge distraction. Sometimes actions are in present tense and sometimes in past. Words are missing here and there so sentences aren't complete. The formatting should be smooth so reading is a pleasure, not a chore.

As for story, it was too rushed. You have up to 12 pages to tell it but do it in 7 1/2 when it really needed more. Ala is more like a prop than a character. Things always happen to her. She doesn't make anything happen. Maybe she should be the one to try and be social with her neighbors and that gives her a panic attack that kills her instead of the neighbors driving the action. The pacing was too rushed. With 4 1/2 pages you could work with, you could make the characters, at least Ala, more memorable. And it wouldn't hurt to have an antagonist other than her fear.
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hawkeye
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Just my two cents, which can be purchased for three cents on EBay:

1.  What the heck was that?  There isn't a story there really, it's just a recounting of Ala's daily deliveries from food services and her nosy neighbor Mary.  Even when the neighbors confront her, she doesn't do anything unique or confront her fear, she just wallows in it more.
2.  I assume (a) you're a new writer, and (b) English isn't your natural language.  I would suggest, if you continue to write in English, you get someone who is fluent in English to read it before you submit it to this or other sites.  Also, there is a thread on screenwriting on this board here:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/
Go here and learn more about formatting, introducing characters, etc.
3.  Read a lot of scripts, especially well-reviewed ones, to see how they set up stories, pacing, climaxes, and so on. You can find the best even on the one week challenge boards.
4.  Regarding your story, we need more of a character arc for Ala.  She doesn't change, progress, deteriorate, anything.  There's nothing that draws us to her character.  Give us something that makes her tick.
5.  To get better, keep writing.  Don't stop, and don't get discouraged!

I give this 1 pumpkin.

Best of luck,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Cacutshaw
Posted: October 24th, 2017, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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I wonder if anyone has mentioned the watermarks. I'm going to assume they haven't. I love em!

I like the nosy neighbour character in this, who just won't stay out of anyone's business. She very easily gets under the reader's skin.

Ala could have had a bit more done to her character to have her seem more human. She's just seen as a nervous wreck. Maybe have her do something other than be terrified.

Ala dying at the end seemed a little "out there". Maybe she could do something just as dramatic and more believable (attacks them to get away or runs into traffic). And maybe the ladies not accepting her fate so easily.

I did have a nice laugh when one of the ladies said "She no extrovert". I know it was probably a spelling mistake, but I loved thinking that one lady had to chime in to say this.
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RJ
Posted: October 25th, 2017, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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I'd say you're not a very new newb, but still somewhere close to that region. You've got the capped sluglines, the capped intro's - so that's good. You're trying to keep descriptions to a minimal - great - but there is such a thing as too minimal and doing one line of description over and over fits into that category. You have your noises capped - also good - but they usually don't need to be extended, ie: There's a KNOCK at the door. BANG, BANG, BANG. Just leave it at a knock at the door. Same with the car: A car REVS. The tyres SQUEAL as he drives away. All the old screenwriting books might say differently, but a lot has evolved.

I'm guessing here that either this was very rushed or English is a 2nd language as there are lots of little typos that would suggest so.

You evoked some feeling from me towards Mary - I've known my fair share of oldies like that. That felt very true to character. I also liked Ala's reactions to people - felt like the phobia was real for her. The main issue with this was the formatting, the very abrupt ending (could have been drawn out a little - ambulance, etc) and on the nose dialogue. Fix those things, as well as the typos and you would have a nice little story here.

RJ
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