Behind the Curtains by The StOryTelleR - Adult, Short, Horror - A man of the theatre, entertaining the crowd. A crowd that shocks him and sentences him, unknowingly,  to death.  12 pages - pdf, format

Anthropophobia - Fear of humans

Hi,

The logline definitely didn't grab me.

I generally like a FADE IN:

Quoted Text We panel through a dim room. Some clothes and theatre equipments here and there

We do this, we do that. This has no place in a script. Also forgot a period at the end of the sentence.

Quoted Text MICHAEL (V.O.) (continues) But different to other people, is my nightmare true.

The wrylie is pointless. Obviously he continues, he was literally just talking.

Quoted Text INT. THEATRE, MANAGER OFFICE - EVENING LOGAN REESE, 40, the manager of the theatre, sits behind his desk and scams thoughtfully through some documents.

I feel like we would assume LOGAN is the manager as you say he sits behind his desk. "the manager of the theatre" is unfilmable.

There are some random green highlights at the bottom of page one.

I'm only on page three and the dialogue is already getting tedious.

Quoted Text LOGAN (on-screen) The doctor called it Anthropophobia. The fear of people. They say it can be linked to his past. (off-screen) Unfortunately does Michael prefer to not talk about it. (on-screen) LOGAN (cont’d) Well, actually, did he never said anything to me.

So confusing, if Logan is on-screen you dont need to say it. We know it just because he is talking, unless you have stated otherwise. Then you go to off-screen, so what are we actually looking at at this point?

Quoted Text EVA How is it possible that this man steps every single night in front of thousands of people and perform with other actors?

I'm asking myself the same thing, it completely defies the phobia.

More green on page four. Blue and green by page five.

Quoted Text EVA (O.S.) You’re stronger than him.

Huh?

Quoted Text A breath and everything turns for a moment into slo-mo. From Michaels POV we see many excited, happy but also shocked faces

Slow-mo, POV, you aren't the editor or cinematographer.

Quoted Text MICHAEL (voice-over; smiles) I step on a big, bright and heroic stage, performing arts of the history, while they are watching me. (

A smiling voice over, interesting.

I also like a FADE OUT.

Sorry but there wasn't much there for me to like, personally. The story is weak, the dialogue is painful and the formatting and constant errors make it a hard slog. Back to the drawing board for this one I think.

All the best.

INT. THEATRE, MANAGER OFFICE - EVENING
LOGAN REESE, 40, the manager of the theatre, sits behind his
desk and scams thoughtfully through some documents.

- Leave manager of the theatre out, sits behind his desk is enough. scams I'm guessing is scans. This already seems like it has been rushed.

Halfway down page two and you are losing me in the expositional and on the nose dialogue.

Show, don't tell.

LOGAN
(on-screen)
The doctor called it
Anthropophobia. The fear of people.
They say it can be linked to his
past.
(off-screen)
Unfortunately does Michael prefer
to not talk about it.
(on-screen)

- Off screen is O.S and on screen is always the case unless specified O.S. We also don't need these here as there is no reason for Logan to be off screen.

I'm also getting lost in the dialogue because it doesn't seem to be making sense - it definitely needs some re-writing.

How does Michael know that Eva is a good person? Save a few lines of acting, she hasn't proven to him that she is anything really.

I like the subtle undertone of the story you wanted to portray, but nothing is delivered as it should have been, which makes this a hard one to get through.

This:

INT. MICHAELS LOCKER, BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Michael VOMITS heavily into the toilet. His face is almost
red as he leans back against the wall.
Fighting for breath, he moves his hands frantically over his
body like trying to rip off his skin.
Slapping his sweaty face multiple times, forcing himself to
stifle his urge to scream.
A KNOCK at the door is audible, His eyes widen.
Another KNOCK.
Panically, he embraces himself. Shaking his head, whispering
words.

Is probably one of the better parts as you get a sense of what the phobia does to him/how the phobia is impacting on him.

I would say that this is probably Eva's best bit:
EVA
No. I’m not going to do this, Mr.
Bowly. I’m not going to write you
back.
(kneeling down)
I’m here to speak with you and this
is what we’re going to do. We
speak.
She pushes the note back under the door.

If I had some words of wisdom they would be to go over those two section again and again and really think about why they worked.

RJ

A tough one for me.

Riddled with typos and format errors  along with several instances of colored letters. I has to read the dialogue several times to get it..

I would lose the Camera directions at the start - not needed.

The dialogue was a bit stilted and all the characters sounded the same - had the same voice (to me anyway).  

The premise was great - an actor with that phobia is a rich theme.

It needs a lot of clean up.

I think I know who it might belong to. Thanks for submitting, I'd recommend you do the reads as well - that's an immense help from my experience. And I'm a non-native just like yourself. Sorry to go ahead with my assumption like that but I'm just too sure it's right.

I'd recommend after you're done with your script you check the text for verb/noun agreement. That's the most common mistake in your text and at places, it's done well, then you forget all about it again. If you have Grammarly use it - it should point these out.

About the story - I really liked the phobic artist idea. I thought there's a mystery behind how he's doing it. I expected some mysticism. Wish you went that way - maybe he pretends to be that other character to the extent that he endures people. He uses something for it, maybe he has some object to get into this nirvana or something.
You went for straight drama. It lost the charm for me somewhere toward the end, maybe because it became predictable for me.

I also wish it was less OTN. I thought that the way the phobia was explained was on the nose. And also, you went over and over it. You could just get into this late, I think, start with the bottom of p3 and nothing would change.
Anyway, good luck to you with it and thanks for submitting.

A script written in the style of a Shakespearean play. A bold move. I for one could feel the stage-play vibes throughout and it successfully evoked a theatrical atmosphere.

However, while the dialogue had a lovely 19th century vibe, the descriptions and action was written in a more clumsy fashion, as if the writer is fairly new to screenplay writing.

As others have noted, there are errors in formatting and style. All can easily be fixed with a bit of study and a lot of practice. however I encourage you to continue. Not only did this fulfill the requirements of the OWC, it was an attempt to do something distinctly different, and I for one applaud the attempt.

-Mark

Well, this is my last read of the bunch, and usually, I like to take extra time and give very detailed feedback, but that's not gong to work here.

This is a true and utter mess in every way imaginable.  I have to guess that English is not the writer's 1st language, as all the writing is so awkward and incorrect.

Making matters even worse, there are strange green areas and even some blue ones.

I'm sorry, but I can't even begin to spend the time to point out the errors on Page 1, let alone the entire script.

NO GRADE

Someone in show business with a phobia of people... good irony there.

I do love your first block of voice over... however the second block I didn't think moved the story at all.

I do love him looking up into the mirror the way you have it. Creepy good.

Then you get into big blocks of on the nose dialogue. This makes me start to skim through. And all the phobia stuff being put out there in dialogue. Show us. Show us. This is a movie.

I do like the mystery behind 'how he does it night after night'.... because after seeing that first look at him... it's a mystery we want to figure out.

What is "The Illusion"? Is that him talking to himself?

Not sure why Eva was so into Michael. What was their relationship? Was she just a fan? And why did he do that at the end? I'm a bit confused and will wait for the writer to answer some questions.

I like a lot about this story but think it needs a little work.

Good job.

This wasn't bad. There were a lot of grammatical errors, and the long blocks of dialogue felt really clunkky (if you know what I mean).  The premise was interesting and the ending worked alright.  

Hey writer,

So then. It's a bloody grand setup, splicing big William S with all this gruesome stuff, really good and ambitious idea, but bloody hard to pull off. Alas, I'm not sure you've done it this time, largely down to all the formatting and typo issues.

A little tip. When you think you've finished your script on your software package, copy it all onto a Word document, and it'll underline where you've got your grammatical and spelling errors. Easy, simple way to flush them out, as it really distracts from the work.

You've clearly got the imagination to come up with the stories, just learn to format and get rid of the typos. Not bad, but needs a good bit of work.

Cam

I really liked the concept of a performer who can't be around people. His "illusion" was a nice touch, showing the aspects of his personality he feels separated from.

Perhaps if you made Eva someone from his past it would make more sense that Michael (somewhat) lets her in at the end. I cannot imagine she's the first person to try to break down his walls. And it might also explain his dramatic and theatrical reaction at the end (which was also a nice touch. A man how lives and breathes the theatre dies in a very, very theatrical way).

Good work!

Well done. It's a complex story told in a very dramatic way. Probably works better on the stage than as a movie.

I've heard of a We See and a We Hear, but it's very, very rare I kick off reading a script with a We Panel.. "We" don't do anything. What happens in a location iswhat we already seeand hear. It's what you show us.

Drop all 'suddenly' words. Action happens in the moment.

Quoted Text the manager of the theatre

Logan is in his office. Yo can show that he's themanager, but you can't tell us.

Did Logan just call Eva Mr. r. Schiller (p2)? Also, please don't abbreviate in dialogue. Most of the conversation goes on too long anyway. some of it OTN, some of it missing a few words.

off screen-on screen (Logan.p2)why not OS? Or are you telling the director on what shots they should use?

Minimalist narrative .-. i.e. basic character facial expression and body language, isn't much of an action to justify being the only action. I understand why some new writers do it, of course. Most of the time it's out of thinking the read will be quicker (it isn't) or it is fear of having a voice. The end result is the same- the characters come off as bland.

I'm a bit torn on...no...n second thought, I'm not going to let the Othello quote slide. JI like the Bard too but for now I really don't care. Just use the latter half of it. Get to Micheal stabbing himself with the prop.

"Some closeu ups.." (p4) yeah. You are telling the director what to do. Knock that .o.ff.

(Just make it stop) is something we can't see. You don't need it, really. He's already in a freak out.

Why are some words and parts of words  in the script highlighted? Is that just the pdf?

Stagrfright indeed. I'm out.