Daddy by Marty - Short, Drama, Action - An assassin’s last act is to prove to his daughter and wife that he is not a bad man. 7 Pages. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Marty,

Enjoyed your short .  Put me in a "Leon - The Professional" mindset; (in case you're too young  a 1994 Jean Reno/Natalie Portman feature).  Well done!   Good writing. Fluid; easy to follow.

Tyler's character was fun to move with.  Felt his grace, style and commitment to the task at hand.  
Maybe add a little more "Tyler" character description here.

Did you really need the Tyler, Ivan's son bedroom scene?  I didn't buy that Tyler would shoot a kid. (Even though, " Mommy said that you're bad").  Was his real, initial intention to shoot the kid?  He changes his mind and tucks the kid in?  A little "much"  no?  Contrived?  JMO.

And IVAN, 60,  piece of sh-t.  Missed opportunity!!!  If you asked 10 people what Ivan looked like, you'd get 10 different descriptions; I mean, lay it on me!  He's the Antag. I know it's a short but paint me a picture.

You nicely described the YOUNG GIRL, dancing.    (we see the sad eyes, tears, cuts and bruises; we don't need : . . . . .from disobeying Ivan.  We get it).

All your action lines show some real writing "savvy".
Particularly, liked:
FOUR MEN are deep into a game of poker when, The door flings open and Tyler picks them off one by one.
and
A BLADE  Flips through the air.  Twisting and turning before, landing in the neck of one man.
and
Tyler, ducking behind the bar, waits until the shots stop before landing a kill shot to one of the men.
Good stuff!

AND Now, and this is just me.
I know your "Annie  (V.O.)" story technique, hopefully added a measure of INTRIGUE and SENTIMENTALITY for some readers.  Unfortunately, not for me.  I call it a "Wizard of OZ behind the curtain trick" . Harsh perhaps. I know.
We never see Annie.  We just hear her voice interspersed throughout the action, scenes and story. Okay, INTRIGUE.  Where's this whispering voice coming from I asked?

At the end,  we discover that she's leaving a message for Tyler from mom's phone.  I was really glad an ear bud didn't fall out of Tyler's ear when he falls on the floor at the end (Oh, is he in the boiler room or the hallway?)
  
The audience hears the message from  start to finish.  Unfortunately, Tyler never hears it unless he ain't dead.  Okay SENTIMENTALITY. (lot's of log cabin syrup)    

Finally,  Tyler, "the assassin", (AND, this is the "Killer" for me  let's out one last smile before we. . .
FADE TO BLACK
(still having a tough time with that one)

Here's what I think.   Screenplay reviews are sooo  subjective.

Nicely done!! I really did enjoy it.  Stick with the assassin-hitman stuff.

JJ



  

JakeJon,

May I call you JJ?

Thank you so much for your feedback. I truly appreciate every bit of it.

You have some real valid points and points I really need to take into consideration for this story, as well as everything I write in the future.

Even though it is a short, it still does not excuse the fact of leaving the reader wanting more. Like your reference to the under described characters of Tyler and Ivan. Definitely a missed opportunity on my end.

The Tyler/Ivan's son scene was a way for me to show that in the past, Tyler would have killed him. It may have feel flat.
I was really hoping for the voice over to work but maybe the factor of it being a message was the wrong way to utilize it.
The smile at the end was probably not the right way to show a changed man. The fact that Tyler, for once, wasn't a monster and for once, relieved about it.

Also, thank you for this.
"Here's what I think.   Screenplay reviews are sooo  subjective."
That is one major area I think I will have to take to heart. I want to please everyone. Who doesn't? I would love for everyone to walk away being pleased with every scene, action, dialogue and character. But it's not realistic to think such a thing. So for that advice alone, I am so grateful. Thank you.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to provide such constructive feedback. It's great to see other writers point of views regarding story structure, dialogue, action, characters, etc.

All the best,
Marty

Hi Marty - Awesome. I really enjoyed your writing, the flow and descriptions. Personally, I related your story more to John Wick and therefore had a mental picture of Ivan.

JakeJon had some very good points to consider. The Annie V.O. works for me. Not sure if it was your intention but I was convinced that Annie and Megan were the ones behind the door. One suggestion that might help the V.O. is to start it with either a subtle 'click' or beep like an answering machine? It may come off more as a memory? IDK.

Regardless, I loved it. I found the ending quite emotional, to be honest. Great work.

John

Marty,

May you call me JJ ?  I'm laughing.   Absolutely!   At least you didn't call me a sarcastic, cynical sh-t.

Keep writing. You're good at it.

JJ

Hey, Marty - saw all the reads you have been doing (good on ya) so thought I would check out your work.

Really just nit issues.

Quoted Text EXT. MANSION - NIGHT A RED DOT Dances upon a MAN’S forehead until, THUMP The man’s head rips backwards.

I wanted a little more here. e.g., the placement of the Man - know he's outside the mansion but don't really have a sense where - at the front door - in the middle of the lawn - driveway? Also would have liked a little on the Man - age/description.

Quoted Text From out of the darkness rushes a MAN. This is TYLER, 50s, but still moves like he’s thirty.

No we have two Man's - a bit confusing. Why not just start with Tyler. e.g.,

From out of the darkness rushes a MAN.

TYLER (50s) rushes out of the darkness...

Quoted Text In the background, a WINDOW OPENS.

We are inside the mansion - an interior window??? Oops - as I read on I see that the Guards are manning the front door - and looking out the window. That is even a bit odder - why would they be guarding the front door from inside. Maybe I'm just not getting the scene right.

I would lost the automatic character CONT'Ds - not needed any they distract.

Quoted Text Kiddie posters hug the walls. Toys line the floors. This is a boys room. A young one at that. Tyler raises his pistol. Taking aim at the sleeping boy.

Never really intro'd the Boy character correctly.  Think you are also doing too much here with the young one at that. I would just go with something like:

Kiddie posters hug the walls. Toys line the floors.

Quoted Text IVAN (CONT’D) He’s a good boy. Unlike me. Unlike you.

Didn't care for the above - seem forced.

Like I said - the above may just be style choices. Overall the read was crisp and clean. Good story, well told.

Hey Marty,

Wish I could offer more but don't really have much to add here. I enjoyed it. Your description writing is quite good. Very visual.

If I were to nitpick anything, midway pg. 3-4 runs the risk of being a bit too repetitive with most actions starting with "Tyler does this, Tyler does that"... maybe try changing up the perspective a bit more there.

Code Tyler, ducking behind the bar,

Could be...

Glass erupts along the bar as Tyler slides into cover,

Code Tyler springs on the man and they engage in hand to hand combat.

Could be...

Both men collide, the gun careens through the air.


Anyways, that's very nitpicky. May just be personal preference. Very nice work overall.

JEStaats,

I hope you don't mind me calling you John from now on.

Thank you so much for taking the time to provide me with feedback.

John Wick is awesome. If I succeed at writing half as good as Derek Kolstad, I should do just fine.

That is a great suggestion about showing or hearing an indication that this is a message left by Annie. That was what I was going for and I fear it may be confusing the way it is currently.

Again, thank you so much for the great words and feedback.

I'm truly happy that you found some enjoyment in it.

All the best,
Marty

JJ,

Thank you for the motivation. I appreciate it.

Haha. I would never call you that. That is unless you become a sarcastic, cynical sh-t. Then, I'd be inclined to do so. And please feel free to say the same, if I ever reach that status.

All the best,
Marty

eldave1,

If it is okay with you, I'd like to call you Dave from now on.

I'm always glad to give feedback. I'm a true believer that you get back what you put in.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me by providing feedback. I greatly appreciate it.

I don't think you are nit picking at all. You're challenging me and that is awesome. You are making me look at things in a different light from a different view and prospective. That is priceless advice.

You offer up great suggestions.
I should give a better location to where the man is. And to call back to back characters, MAN, is confusing. I agree with just calling him Tyler from the get go. The guards in my mind were inside as a second layer. So I guess the location of the man in the first scene should be guarding the front door. Does that make more sense? Either way, bad on me for confusing the reader. I agree with taking out the automatic CONT'Ds if they are distracting. They are. Kiddie posters hug the walls. Toys line the floors. That probably flows better.
IVAN
He's a good boy. Unlike me. Unlike you.
Would it sound better with Ivan just saying,
IVAN
He's a good boy.
or toss the line completely?

Again, thank you so much for all of your great feedback and help with story. And please don't question your "nit picking." Anyone willing who is willing to put in the work and become a better writer knows criticism is welcomed. You're making me a better writer. So thank you.

All the best,
Marty

MarkItZero,

Thank you so much for your kind words and feedback. It's truly appreciated.

You're not nitpicking at all. Those are great suggestions that visually help drive the story. I think being overly repetitive is not a good thing. I will work on that.

Again, thank you for your time.

All the best,
Marty

Quoted Text If it is okay with you, I'd like to call you Dave from now on.

For sure.

Quoted Text Thank you so much for taking the time to help me by providing feedback. I greatly appreciate it.

My pleasure - it's great to see a newbie come and read and comment on as many scripts as you have. That is rare.

Quoted Text I should give a better location to where the man is. And to call back to back characters, MAN, is confusing. I agree with just calling him Tyler from the get go. The guards in my mind were inside as a second layer. So I guess the location of the man in the first scene should be guarding the front door. Does that make more sense?

I think it does. I couldn't imagine a scenario where they would be standing by the front door/foyer inside the house. Maybe one inside one outside. After he takes out the guy outside, he removes the door keys from his pocket, enters the house and takes out the second guy fumbling around with his smart phone or something in a chair.

IVAN

Quoted Text He's a good boy. Unlike me. Unlike you. Would it sound better with Ivan just saying, IVAN He's a good boy. or toss the line completely?

I think he is a good boy is fine as a stand alone line. However, the way I would go is:

IVAN
He's a good boy.

TYLER
Unlike you.

BANG - Tyler empties one into Ivan. Ivan's eyes roll back.

TYLER
And unlike me.

That way you still have the oomph you want from those lines - but they would be delivered in a more natural order. i.e., from Tyler.

Quoted Text Again, thank you so much for all of your great feedback and help with story. And please don't question your "nit picking." Anyone willing who is willing to put in the work and become a better writer knows criticism is welcomed. You're making me a better writer. So thank you.

You're more than welcome. Keep at it - I think you have talent.

No sweat, Marty. John it is!

Hi,

Everything I would generally pick at has already been done.

I really enjoyed it. Yes I think the writing could be tightened up a bit but overall it flows well and is a page turner.

Congrats.

All the best.

Dave,

That is a great suggestion for the first couple of scenes. Thank you for that.

And as far as,

IVAN
He's a good boy.

TYLER
Unlike you.

BANG - Tyler empties one into Ivan. Ivan's eyes roll back.

TYLER
And unlike me.

Awesome! I like the flow.

Thank you again for the pointers and feedback.

All the best,
Marty