Ransom Payback by Simon Parker - Thriller - Panic Room meets Speed. Living in the shadow of her wealthy husband, Laura now kidnapped and trapped in the back of a van must fight for her freedom. 98 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Simon: Thoughts on the first few pages - just my opinion.

- The character descriptions are real thin (just the age) - this is your protag and her best friend give us a little more.

- Intro your characters in order of action - it helps the readers. e.g., this:

Quoted Text LAURA, (2 stands at the counter with LOTTIE, (30). Laura is watching her chosen clothes been carefully folded and placed into paper bags. The young girl CASHIER, (1 gestures to the screen that shows a grand total of $550 to be paid.

Is an easier read as:

LAURA, (2 stands at the counter, watches a young female CASHIER carefully fold Laura's purchased clothes and place them in a bag.

LOTTIE, (30), stands next to  Laura...

The description/action lines are a bit tedious and as a result the action drags- Laura does this, Laura does that over and over. Look for a chance to shake them up a bit.  An example:

Quoted Text Laura takes the card back from the cashier and hands her another.

Could be:

Her hand trembles as Laura hands the cashier another card...

Not exactly that - but the point being - change it up a bit to keep the reader engaged.

Quoted Text Ransom Payback - Simonkyleparker@hotmail.co.uk

I wouldn't put this on top of every page

Best of luck