DeadCentre :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Anthony,

Congratulations on finishing your screenplay.

Just a few opinions and suggestions.

155 pages? You have to trim that down.

Did you write this using screenwriting software? It looks like formatting errors occur across the script.
If not, Celtx, Fade In and WriterDuet have free versions.
The software alone may trim this script down some more.

Slugline/Scene Headers:
-Software should help fix this.
INT. A MILITARY CHAPEL. DAY.
-should be,
INT. A MILITARY CHAPEL - DAY

Talking to the reader:
Example:
-I do it a lot. And I get nailed for it a lot.
HOMMAGE TO 60s British TV series ‘THE PRISONER’
-I get it. We get it. But unless you are planning on directing this, you are telling the director how you want it shot.

CONT'D:
-Just an opinion but I would remove all the automatic instances of CONT'D from your software. It helps on the eyes for an easier read.

Action Lines/Blocks:
You have some big blocks of action lines. Try to break them down. But overall, try to break your action down period. Try not to show us every moment but rather the moments that matter.
I think it's just a product of over writing.
Some of what I have read is not bad writing but rather just overwriting. Over-telling. Try to just streamline it a little bit more.

Directing in the Parenthetical:
-This happens a little too much.
Examples:
CHENG
(a little nervous, tugs at the collar of his mohair sweater)
It was just a week Mr Bond. I was owed some leave and I decided to forego the formalities. It’s hardly a crime.
BOND
(leaning close to Cheng)
You’ve got what they want George...you are what they want. They're not your friends.

Overall, I think based off of some of the writing and dialogue I read, you know how to tell a story.

Keep writing. Keep working at it. Get that page count down. I fear most will not read even open up your screenplay with it sitting at 155 pages.

I hope some of this helps.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty