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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Kidnap In Room 12 - Filmed as Abduction 207
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  Author    Kidnap In Room 12 - Filmed as Abduction 207  (currently 361 views)
Don
Posted: November 29th, 2017, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Kidnap In Room 12 by Victor Daniel-Kalio - Short, Thriller - The events of a ghastly kidnap unexpectedly force an oblivious wife into confronting the truth about her shady husband.  11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


+++++++++++++++
The trailer:


Abduction 207 - Official Trailer from Vis Brown on Vimeo.




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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  September 30th, 2018, 9:14am
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_ghostwriter
Posted: December 3rd, 2017, 7:33am Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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@ Victor,

My eyes hurt, this was a painful read.

We, as writers, sometimes complain that readers skim - but the thing is here, just within the first few pages, not only that I don't have to read closely, but that reading closely hurts, rather than helps, my read.  By reading closely I have to stop and think and rejigger.  

I absolutely have no idea what font you are using, but drop it like a bad habit... and please can the bold text.   It's also worth pointing out; "Nicolas"  you need to us this (V.O.)

I didn't care for the ending.  No satisfying conclusion.  But, I think if you could clarify the movement of the story, it might be an interesting script.  Good luck with it!

Ghostwriter


THE TIME GUARDIAN: DARK FRONTIER - scyfy

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA - western

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HEATWAVE - faith-based erotic thriller

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Don
Posted: September 30th, 2018, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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12528
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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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