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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Velvet Song Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Velvet Song  (currently 1325 views)
Don
Posted: December 3rd, 2017, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Velvet Song by Alicia M McClendon - Drama, Action, Adventure - After losing her mentor, a young refugee regains her will to live after saving a romantic, traveling doctor from bandits. 97 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (9 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 24th, 2020, 3:37pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: December 6th, 2017, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Alicia: You are missing some of the basics right out of the shoot.

Don't put your title on the first page of the script. That's what the title page is for.

FADE IN:


Quoted Text
EXT. WOODLAND-DUSK

The rain pours down mercilessly under the stormy, gray sky...


No need for the opening "The's in your descriptions. Rain pours....

She spots an opening in a tree trunk.


Quoted Text
LEILA
Cy, lets get inside.

Cy heads inside first, our protagonist following behind
crawling inside.

Inside the tree trunk...


You need a new scene heading here. e.g.,

INT. HOLLOW OF TREE TRUNK - DUSK

or something like that.

Leila takes out a blanket from the sack, Cy snuggling
against her underneath the sheet as they listen to the
downpour outside.


Quoted Text
CUT TO:

We hear the chirping of birds outside the tree trunk, a
fragment of sunlight caressing Leila’s face. Her eyes flicker ope
.

Get rid of all your CUT TOs - you are using them in place of scene headings and using them incorrectly. Time has passed. It is not a cut to. Should be something like:

INT. HOLLOW OF TREE TRUNK - DAWN


Quoted Text
Beside her Cy sleeps like a log. She
crawls out the tree trunk, stirring Cy who follows behind.

CUT TO:


No Cut to. Should be:

EXT. WOODLAND-DAWN

You have this problem throughout - using Cut To rather than scene heading. Got to clean that up.

All the best



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MikeCashman
Posted: July 2nd, 2020, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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I was very interested to read this script, but I only was able to handle up to three pages.  This is completely written incorrectly.  There are no periods to end sentences.  You have long run-on paragraphs with no break or periods.  Storyline, for me, is extremely uninteresting.  From the opening scene, you never faded in.  But you did "Fade Out" at the end of the scene.  Four knights rape a woman.  Really?  The "Black Knight" is her actual "Knight in shining armor"?  I couldn't get past the grammar and phrasing issues with this one.

This script is in desperate need of a re-write, clean up the paragraphs and phrasing.  Also, fix the grammar.  If you are a first time writer, you may want to read other scripts on this site to see what other writers are submitting, how they phrase their paragraphs, how the grammar is used, and how they format their scripts.  I read scripts every day.  I have yet to submit my work on this site, but I am close to finally doing it.  This isn't personal criticism.  It's to help you to become a better script writer.  I hope you take all of this in and decide to do a second draft on this script.
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