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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  A Distant Road
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  Author    A Distant Road  (currently 353 views)
Don
Posted: December 3rd, 2017, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Distant Road by Jason Paul - Short, Drama - A white college student faces his father's disapproval when he joins the Freedom Rides during the Civil Rights Movement. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 28th, 2019, 3:09pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: December 6th, 2017, 11:04am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Hey, Jason. Gave this a read.

SPOILERS

Thematically, I loved it. Riding the Freedom bus past and present is an excellent story arc. The use of the blood stained letter very poignant.

There were some hiccups for me.

The Father's Voice Overs are far too long and far too often - while anyone of them was fine, they became tedious just do to volume by the end.

This:


Quoted Text
YOUNG JOE
We are dedicated to ending segregation.
We're willing to face jail sentences,
beatings, even death. Those of us on The
Freedom Ride will continue until we can
travel anywhere in the South with the
same privileges and rights that are
guaranteed for every citizen in America.


Really missed it for me. He's a kid - a recently beaten one at that and the essence of the thought is already in the story - no need to cram the theme down throats here. Make it more subtle, natural - simple and obvious. This is far too preachy and isn't the right voice IMO.

Anyway - I do love the story. Nice work. Hope the notes help.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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