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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Blessed Intervention
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  Author    Blessed Intervention  (currently 441 views)
Don
Posted: December 11th, 2017, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blessed Intervention by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama, Inspirational - An HIV positive, brown-skinned, Colombian-American woman experiences a life-saving, mystical event. 7 pages  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 16th, 2017, 11:04am
revised draft
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Marcela
Posted: December 12th, 2017, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Fausto,
I always like to read your stuff, perhaps because English is not your native language, neither it's mine!
Some minor things:
Page 3
'Blood copiously spills out from his nose.' I would put "Blood spills from his nose." The verb SPILL is strong enough, so you don't need COPIOUSLY.

I found the following phrases very unprofessional from a doctor:
'Are you sexually active, I mean promiscuously?' Try "How many sexual partners have you had in your life?"
'Do you know if he goes with multiple women?' Try "Do you know if he is sexually active outside your relationship?"
'He should be tested too.' I'm sure you got it from him.' Try "He needs to be tested too."
I guess it all depends on the country you live in. Here in UK, any doctor saying "I'm sure you got it from him" would be jobless in no time!

Typo on page 5
'It may happen but we doesn't help to talk about that now.' should be "...IT doesn't help..."

Typo page 7
'She hold a ROSARY.' should be 'She holdS...'

I like the phrase, “the black mesiah’. Yes, I can't agree more. Why should "mesiah" be white?

Although I am not very keen on the idea of HIV virus miraculously disappearing, I still like the story. There's a positive vibe about it, which is always good!


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Fausto
Posted: December 12th, 2017, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Marcella, first of all, thank you very much for your corrections. You've been very kind to me. I appreciate that. My mother language is Italian therefore, I have to reconcile the two languages when I write and at times my brain cannot process the difference correctly. I will make the corrections you suggested in the script presented on Script Revolution. There, it's very easy (immediate) to make changes to a script. On Simply Scripts it's a more convoluted process (reintroduction of the corrected script and publication at a later time). The doctors here are less diplomatic than the English doctors...their "bed manners" are questionable (to say the least).
If we don't have the chance to communicate in the near future, I wish you a happy Christmas and a healthy, successful New Year.
All my best,
Fausto
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Marty
Posted: December 12th, 2017, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Fautso,

I have a suggestion or a workaround for the issue of an immediate fix to your screenplays.

I would save your script to google drive.
Use the link when you upload your script here.
That way, you can make updates on the fly by saving your new .pdf the same name as the one on your google drive.
Then your updates will sync automatically.
Once you've finished your rewrites you could simply state it as a comment or submit an update to Don.

I hope that helps.

All the best,
Marty
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Fausto
Posted: December 14th, 2017, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi Marty,
thank you very much for your suggestion. I'll follow your instructions.
All my best,
Fausto
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Marty
Posted: December 14th, 2017, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Fautso,

You're more than welcome. I hope it helps.

All the best,
Marty
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