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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Stay Hungry Moderators: bert
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  Author    Stay Hungry  (currently 448 views)
Don
Posted: December 17th, 2017, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Stay Hungry by Deano Jones - Drama, Sports - A teenager from the tough streets of South London. Tyson Kassius Ojo falls into boxing and discovers a talent he never knew he had under the guidance of Pitbull boxing club owner Johnny Pitbull. 96 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JakeJon
Posted: January 8th, 2018, 11:44am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


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Deano,
A very fast read and my footwork ain't what it use to be.   Bravo.   But,  IMO ya need some conflict.    Your story is way too predictable.  Your logline is the whole story.  I'm a sucker for  happy endings but other than, his two friends dying, his girlfriend getting pregnant, Johnny dying and the low blow,  I think I would just view Rocky or Rocky 2 if I need a "knock out" punch.

Good writing.

JJ
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