SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 10:26am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Hand of God Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Hand of God  (currently 2816 views)
Don
Posted: December 17th, 2017, 11:00am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Hand of God by Paul Knauer - Thriller - A modern continuation of the Cain and Abel story. A murderer, sentenced to life on earth by God, is given a chance at redemption and the death he longs for, when God reunites him with his brother.  109 pages  - pdf format

production: semi-contained thriller featuring a small cast and minimal locations. The main setting is a family farm.

contest: This script has not been contest tested, however, it is ranked #3 overall (out of over 500 scripts) and #2 for dramas, on a peer-review site.

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 20th, 2022, 6:04pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: December 17th, 2017, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Paul:

Read the first ten. Overall, I quite like your style. It's engaging.

It dragged a little bit getting from the stream to the Hayloft. I think because of passages like this:


Quoted Text
An ember glows orange in a nest of tinder.
Levi breathes life into it, gently blowing until it ignites
into a small fire. He sets the lit bundle inside a ring of
stones and quickly feeds it twigs and branches.

Before long, he has a nice campfire.
He grabs a decent-sized, flat rock and a can of beans. Levi
turns the can upside down and vigorously rubs the top of the
can against the flat surface of the rock, slowly grinding
down the rim.

Eventually, liquid from the can bubbles from the edges of the
rim. Leveraging the screwdriver, he plies the top open and,
using his fingers, scarfs the beans.


Beautifully written but not needed. IMO - stuff like this needs condensing. He's starting a fire and eating a can of beans. Should take about two or three lines at the most. I think it is only best to go this elaborate when you are building tension withing the scene. e.g., if there was something menacing in the woods stalking around him - I get it - tease the scene to build tension. But this is just  a place on the way to the loft. Short and sweet I think is better.

I would lose the automatic character (cont'ds) - they're disruptive to the read.

Nice style, dude. You're  a solid writer.

If I can ask - what peer review site are you referring to?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 17
Gary in Houston
Posted: December 19th, 2017, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
All, I know Paul from the other site (Talentville) and I can attest from reading several of his scripts that he is the real deal when it comes to writing.  I encouraged him to put his work on this site because he would definitely get more eyeballs on his work, which he deserves.  I know he's going to put some other works up in time, and would encourage everyone to give him a read. You won't be disappointed!

Paul, I'll give this one a read soon.


Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 17
PKCardinal
Posted: December 21st, 2017, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Dave,

Just got my login, so I'm finally able to respond. Sorry for the delay.

Thanks for the input, I appreciate it... and definitely agree. I set this script aside for a year and just came back to it. On my first read through after the layoff, that's what stood out to me too. Your input definitely confirms it for me.

Of all the scripts I've written, this is the most "poetic." Every script I write, I kind of give myself an area of focus, and on this one, I wanted to concentrate on trying to write more visually. As such, I put special emphasis on trying to start each scene with its own visual. In the case you cited: An ember glows orange in a nest of tinder. The hope was that it would provide a "visual flow" for the reader... helping them "see" the movie, not just the page.

It was an interesting exercise, and really put a different spin on the script. Whether it made it stronger... well, I'll have to see how more people react to it!

Anyway, thanks for checking it out. Let me know if you've got a project you'd like eyes on. I'm happy to return the favor!

As Hawkeye confirmed, the peer-review site is Talentville. (I left the name out in an effort to respect Simplyscripts... not wanting to promote a different site on this one.)

And, to Hawkeye... thanks for the props. Send me some scripts, man. I'm ready to read.



PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 17
eldave1
Posted: December 21st, 2017, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from PKCardinal
Dave,

Just got my login, so I'm finally able to respond. Sorry for the delay.

Thanks for the input, I appreciate it... and definitely agree. I set this script aside for a year and just came back to it. On my first read through after the layoff, that's what stood out to me too. Your input definitely confirms it for me.

Of all the scripts I've written, this is the most "poetic." Every script I write, I kind of give myself an area of focus, and on this one, I wanted to concentrate on trying to write more visually. As such, I put special emphasis on trying to start each scene with its own visual. In the case you cited: An ember glows orange in a nest of tinder. The hope was that it would provide a "visual flow" for the reader... helping them "see" the movie, not just the page.

It was an interesting exercise, and really put a different spin on the script. Whether it made it stronger... well, I'll have to see how more people react to it!

Anyway, thanks for checking it out. Let me know if you've got a project you'd like eyes on. I'm happy to return the favor!

As Hawkeye confirmed, the peer-review site is Talentville. (I left the name out in an effort to respect Simplyscripts... not wanting to promote a different site on this one.)

And, to Hawkeye... thanks for the props. Send me some scripts, man. I'm ready to read.



No problem, mate - welcome to the site. You'll find it a good one.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 17
Warren
Posted: April 23rd, 2018, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi PK,

Read the first 10.

Pg 1


Quoted Text
We’ll call him LEVI for now.


This is a bit awkward. What are we going to call him later? I think you should just intro MAN as LEVI and cut out this line.


Quoted Text
He casually splashes a little water on his face, takes a sip.


All while travelling in rushing water?


Quoted Text
Looking around, Levi spies a fist-sized stone alone on the
muddy bank.
He grabs the chair and slowly drags it to the water’s edge.
It’s heavy and the process is painful.


I'm a little confused about when we went from rushing down the stream to him dragging the chair out of it.

Pg 2


Quoted Text
He’ll try to hit the lock at an
angle, a risky maneuver.


Don’t tell us what he'll try and do, just tell us what he does. It’s a script; your job is to set the scene.

I'd recommend turning off the character CONT'D's in your software.

Pg 3


Quoted Text
The wolf lunges. Not into the stream, but closer, focusing
less on the water and more on Levi with each passing second.


Very unclear what you’re going for here.


Quoted Text
If Levi felt desperation before, it’s reached a new level.



Quoted Text
He only has one choice. It’s not a good one.



Quoted Text
a fact that
hasn’t gone unnoticed by his four-legged friend


I really don’t mind the odd unfilmable or aside but here you have 3 in less than half a page. I think they should be used sparingly and only if they add something to the script. I don’t personally think these are necessary.

Pg 4


Quoted Text
Screaming, snarling, wrestling, biting.


All very passive.


Quoted Text
places the final stone on
the wolf’s grave


A bit of an odd gesture considering what just happened.

The is a lot of passive writing throughout.

Pg 5


Quoted Text
scarfs the beans.


scoffs the beans.

Pg 6


Quoted Text
Aside from the hay in the loft and the chickens, there’s no
real evidence that the farm is active.


I'd think the fact that there were chickens was evidence enough.


Quoted Text
It’s a lot for the critter to take in, and the tiny criminal
clearly isn’t concerned with making an effort to understand.


Just too much of this, I haven’t highlighted all of them, but at this point we are maybe talking about 10 lines of wasted space and I'm only on page 6. If this continues throughout the script it could easily turn into pages of unfilmable content that adds nothing to your story.

Pg 7


Quoted Text
Everyone knows it’s an empty threat.


Again, at the top of the next page. How does everyone know that? Other than the fact you just told us, and this won’t be filmable.

Not sure of the relevance of that scene with the rabbit. Yes it introduces Jordan but there’s no real tension or apparent purpose. Stuff just happens.

Pg 8


Quoted Text
In one quick motion he grabs its head and swings the chicken
in a large circle, like a softball pitcher throws a fastball.
The chicken is killed instantly.


I don’t think we need this visual.

The logline is great and definitely draws you to the script. Although the initial drama with the stream and wolf is good, I would have like to have something ten pages in to pull me further into the read, that’s not really the case. Maybe that comes shortly after, I don’t know.

For the most part the writing is very good, has a nice flow to it.

I do think you need to get rid of a lot of those asides and unfilmables, especially since you made the comment about trying to write more visually. Visually they add absolutely nothing.

I’d also suggest trying to clean up all the passive writing.

Not a bad effort.

All the best with it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 17
PKCardinal
Posted: June 1st, 2018, 11:23am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Thanks for the notes Warren! Wish I would have noticed them sooner. Got so caught up in the contest and subsequent recovery that I hadn't looked in here for awhile.

I'm in the process of putting the polish on my latest thriller. Once that's complete, I plan on circling back to clean this script up... especially the first 10.

The story does pick up, but that won't matter if I can't get you past the first 10.

Again, thanks for the feedback. It'll be a big help when I circle back.

PK


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 17
Forgive
Posted: June 1st, 2018, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hi PK, sorry but the opening here, as is written was just really confusing ... might be me, but this guy was splashing water on his face, but his arms were strapped to the chair?? And then the wolf was pacing the far bank, and then Levi turned the chair over and the wolf was snapping at his ankle ... I might be missing something but this didn't weigh up right for me in the early stages ...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 17
PKCardinal
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Don't apologize there, Forgive. If you weren't following, that's my fault, not yours.

For the record, only one arm remains strapped to the chair. He's splashing his face using the other. He turns the chair over because he needs to free his remaining arm, in order to deal with the wolf. (He needs the lock to rest against something while he strikes it with the rock.) As for the placement of the wolf, he's on the far bank, but by flipping the chair, Levi moves close enough for the wolf to reach his feet. (It's a stream, not a river, so it's neither wide, nor deep.)

I've struggled with the description in this section... looks like it still needs work. There won't be any confusion for the audience, as they'll see it all play out logically. However, no audience will ever see it, if I can't get a reader through the first 10.

Thanks for the feedback!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 17
Forgive
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hey PK, it was definitely me, a re-read pins that. So I did the first 10, and others have made good points, so I won't labour those too much ...

Bottom pg2 'It steps Levi's' missing an 'in'. And maybe for clarification, the wolf could pace the bank feet away?

Top of pg3 'The wolf lunges closer ... Levi fumbles with the lock', but as said, this has been address by other posters, but I don't think you lose much by writing less there.

Pg7 maybe have a POV, or in the distance for Jordan?

Not sure about the scene with Jordan; this is the 'Meet Jordan' moment so we'd learn something about her character, this seems a bit meh and I think it stands out as being so as it's the only scene for what's effectively a whole day. I think there's a risk of contrary characteristics in such a short character sketch - you make reference to her independence and strength of gait but she won't shoot a bunny? Maybe just blast a shot an inch away or something that's more in keeping with what you've indicated.

I think you could take out that first Jordan scene, the coop scene gives the pen picture of Jordan that we need, imo, showing some of the problems she's facing and doing so while Levi is in there adds a nice bit of tension and it's something he'd naturally do if he was hungry ... but shaping up nicely overall I think?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 17
PKCardinal
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Thanks, Forgive.

Excellent thoughts.

I do build a bit off the bunny scene later, so I'd have to think about how deleting it would effect later changes. But, I do see what you're talking about. It's worth exploring for sure.

Not to get too artsy, but, the entire script builds off of religious themes in different ways. One of the layers is that each character gets a chance to play God at least once in the script. Jordan's treatment of the bunny is one of her opportunities to be God. Does it live or die? Her treatment of the bunny represents a model for Levi's eventual shot at redemption. (Levi's early encounter with the wolf is another - Levi and God switch places. The wolf - Levi - won't quit attacking, so he's eventually dispatched. Levi as God doesn't want to kill the wolf, but when given no other choice, does. Basically, that's the theme for the entire script: God doesn't want to lose Levi, but if Levi doesn't change, God will have no choice but to let him go. The question is: will Levi ever figure that out?)

Thanks again for the notes. All the great feedback has me excited about circling back to this script very soon.

(Sorry for being so long winded. But, I enjoy talking about this script.)

PK


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 17
Forgive
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
Oh, wow, that sounds kinda deep! That makes me want to read the script more now - so it's just a case of how do you get those ideas across early in the script so people really want to read it more - well, I'll take some time out to give this a better read, those are some heavy-weight themes ...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 17
PKCardinal
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Thanks, Forgive. Now, if I could only have an in-depth conversation with every potential reader!!

Yeah, I gotta get it to the page...


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 17
PKCardinal
Posted: November 18th, 2018, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Alright. Rewrite done.

What you see now is an updated version that smooths out the first 10 and includes a few minor revisions in later scenes.

It's better.

Probably won't rewrite anymore unless it gets picked up. Any further changes should be under the direction of producers, director, etc.

Thanks for everyone's help!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 17
PKCardinal
Posted: January 20th, 2022, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63

Quoted from PKCardinal


Probably won't rewrite anymore unless it gets picked up. Any further changes should be under the direction of producers, director, etc.



Okay. I lied. I circled back for another rewrite. Haven't looked at this script for awhile, and then I woke up one morning with several fixes in my head for a few problems that I guess my brain's been working on. (I wish that happened more often!)

Mainly, I smoothed out the backstory with this rewrite.

I'm still not 100% happy with the pacing and feel of the early pages... it'll always be a slow burn that picks up speed dramatically in the 2nd half... but, I'd like it to read a little smoother in the early pages.

Anyway, I sent the updated script to Don, so it'll post any day.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 17
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006