Lenny's Last Call by Phillip Antonucci - Horror - An old neighborhood tavern has a strange influence on a small town introvert. 97 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, I read the first couple of action blocks and this script has issues.

Code INT-NIGHT-BEDROOM FADE IN Darkness. We see a young man, early thirties, lying in bed in his a pair of boxer shorts, no covers, staring at a ceiling fan, eyes wide open. We hear the sound of someone having sex in another room. The rhythmic thumping of a bed. Moaning.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT <<<< This is the correct format for scene headings.

FADE IN should be at the very start of the script, before the first scene heading... but you don't really need it. It's a camera direction and those should be left to the experts to figure out. If you are going to use it, you must use it correctly.

Code Darkness. We see a young man, early thirties, lying in bed in his a pair of boxer shorts, no covers, staring at a ceiling fan, eyes wide open.

Darkness.

A MAN (32), in boxer shorts, lies atop the sheets
in bed, staring at a ceiling fan.

His eyes are open because he's staring at a ceiling fan. A screenplay has no care for word count like a novel does. Screenplays are more about page count, but there are better ways to manipulate that without resorting to overwriting.

You should also CAP all characters on initial introduction. You should also come up with something better than MAN - as he is given an age this indicates that he will have some type of substantial part to play.

Also, you should provide more character description. This is a spec and you need to draw readers into the characters. Make them special, make them leap from the page, make them stick in our minds.

Almost forgot... no need for 'we see'. Isn't it obvious what we see the moment you describe it?

Code We hear the sound of someone having sex in another room. The rhythmic thumping of a bed. Moaning.

Again with the 'we hear'. Is it really necessary?

Sounds of sex from the room next door - a bedframe bangs
rhythmically against the wall nearest Man's head. Female moans turn
to loud cries as she approaches orgasm.

Optioned

Very cool - congrats

Congrats!