Grace :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hi Grace,

!SPOILERS!!

This is a nice story.  It shows one adolescent being brave enough to be themselves, and one thats not yet ready for that. And I like the twist at the end.

I like how the grandfather is involved in the story to give us clues into Graces family life and how dysfunctional her family must be.

There are a few formatting and writing issues throughout. I'm going to pull up as many examples I can to show you.

The general rule is to avoid writing any camera shots and using 'we'. i.e  "We push through to the back of a girl’s head donning headphones." Just keep it simple i.e  GRACE, (16) sits at a computer desk, headphones on.

We also need more physical description of Grace at this time. Toward the end we learn she has long enough hair to tie back. We need to know this now.

*Low chatter pops up throughout the room every now and again from someone forgetting the rules. Then a
preemptive - SSSHHH!*  This action needs to be written in a clearer present tense. i.e

In the background a group of STUDENTS sitting at a study table start to laugh.

VOICE (O.S)
Shhhhhhh!

We also don't know how busy the library is? Is it a public or school library? It is important to know if there are students talking too loudly or if it's a mix of young and old. I could assume it's a school because there's chatter, but this still needs to be made clear in the slugline, then action. i.e PUBLIC LIBRARY

*Her hand on the mouse clicks. A quirky, yet confident GRACE
(16) stares at the screen, Julliard Admissions. Maneuvering
through the website, Grace finds herself on the Pre-College
site. Selects, Voice (classical).*

The formatting here is wrong. Look up scripts that have computer use in them to get an idea of how to format this.

*EXT. SUBWAY STATION - LATER*
This has been done throughout the script....You don't need to put Later. It's either NIGHT OR DAY. Use the action to show when. This is a new scene and place.
Since the action is taking place on the subway platform right by the train tracks the slug should be EXT. SUBWAY PLATFORM - DAY.

*Pinging off the steel tracks. Punks, SPIKE and RAMONE*
Comma after tracks. There needs to be more 'showing' of where they are in comparison to Grace. How far down the tracks are they? I like that they are walking on the tracks, it shows us they have some disregard for the rules and are possible 'BAD SEEDs'

*Clearly Ramone is in charge of Spike. A
domineering figure over his lithe compadre.*
You need to show us this 'domination' using action, don't tell us.

*A small crowd lingers off to the side in awe of Grace.*
Needs to be 'lingers on the platform around Grace',

*Passersby gawk, gabbing over her range, give generously.
Ramone drools over their generosity.*
Where is Romane? Is he on the platform now, or is he still on the tracks and able to see the tip jar?

*The train arrives. Doors breathe open. Grace gathers her
things. Without a moments notice, Spike sweeps in snatching
her bucket.
Ramone pushes Grace through the exhaling doors. Trapped.
Grace watches in horror, pounding on the window as the train
chugs forward. Spike and Ramone shrink in size.*
THIS IS GOOD...

*Playing with her hair,
different do’s. She gathers her flesh simulating breasts.*
Confusing. it should be more like *she plays with her hair, creating different 'Do's'.

*She gathers her flesh simulating breasts.* Needs re-writing, I keep reading it as though her breasts are 'flesh simulating.'

*Quick, purposeful shots. Never quite letting us see her full body. Glimpses.*
Need to get rid of camera directions and the next sequence needs proper formatting.
Because it's important in this scene for us to not see her full body it is okay to write *never seeing her full body, she undresses....* then go to MONTAGE.

Here is an example of a montage I got off the internet.

MONTAGE

Noel drags a medium-sized weight. Sal walks by in the background, easily carrying three of them.

Noel carries a bench-press bar, losing his balance. A few feet away, Sal bends over to examine the bench, ducking just in time to avoid Noel’s flailing bar. Neither notice.

Without looking, Sal tosses medicine balls to Noel, who jumps out of the way like they’re dodgeballs.

Sal drags a treadmill across the gym. Noel attempts to do the same, but can’t budge it; his feet move as if he’s walking, but he goes nowhere.

BACK TO SCENE

*Washing her feet first in the stained sink of the grungy gas
station. Towel drying them off. Carefully stepping on a paper
towel so not to get them dirty, again.*
There is alot of 'ing' usage in your writing which is in most part unnecessary, and it tends to take away the feeling of present tense. *She washes her feet* *Towel dries them off. Carefully steps on a paper towel.....*

*Lily pulls Grace off to the side, whispering* should be whispers.

*GRANDFATHER
Girl, why do you say such things?*
The grandfather saying 'girl' sounds a little out of place..

The banter between characters is good, feels natural.

*SPIKE AND RAMONE
Spike motions to Ramone he’s using the bathroom.*
Don't need SPIKE AND RAMONE.

*Spike watches Lily hug Grace. Grace lowers her eyes avoiding
Spike all together. He watches Grace make her way down the
street towards the subway.*
Need to write in the action that Grace leaves the diner. All of a sudden she is outside and that is jarring.

I like that you have Grace singing through the flash back. Thats very effective. it's not just a repeated scene - you've added to it...tied it all together..

I like too that Grace has alot of love around her. Her work friends, her grandfather. it has a nice feel to a sad reality, that it is very hard to be transgendered in this world. So nice job...

Good luck with this, happy writing and just keep at it!