SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 20th, 2019, 6:35pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Book
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Book  (currently 1159 views)
Don
Posted: February 18th, 2018, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13190
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Book by Kirsten James - Short, Drama - A simple text book becomes more than just a learning tool in the lives of two adult psychology students.  7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 9th, 2019, 5:30pm
back on the market
Logged
Site Private Message
Kirsten
Posted: February 22nd, 2018, 9:52am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
212
Posts Per Day
0.20
Very cool, this just got optioned.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 16
Zombie Sean
Posted: February 22nd, 2018, 10:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1458
Posts Per Day
0.29
Congrats on getting this optioned, Kirsten.

Overall, this was an OK read. It could use some cleaning up, especially toward the end, which felt rushed. I felt like this could be a little bit longer, and that it ended abruptly. I am curious as to how David is going to explain to Sheryl how he knows Gary. Maybe they could have a short discussion about him while they look through the book. I mean, the book is about Loss and Grieving, which seems very appropriate for their current situation. They could remember Gary for who he was while they go through the book and try and apply what is in it toward their loss and grievance of Gary's death. Otherwise, why is the book important in the first place? All that is shown is David handing it to Sheryl, and then coincidentally, her husband dies. But she doesn't even use the book to get through her own grievance. David, on the other hand, could talk to Sheryl and get her through the trouble, since he read the book in three days. Maybe as they're talking about Gary and remembering him, and then somehow it slips that he and David were together. This could turn into an interesting drama if you explore more and lengthen the script.

Additionally, the classroom scene I felt was a little too short too. I get that it was introducing Sheryl, but I felt as though the teacher's lecture was going to go somewhere with the term "abnormal" (which I hope you aren't referring to homosexuality when referencing the word). I did like David's response, and maybe include the class laughing or something. But why that term? What's it got to do with the story? I felt it going somewhere, but then you just end the classroom scene.

Maybe introduce Gary at the beginning, before Sheryl goes to class. Have him on the phone, and before Sheryl leaves he gets off the phone. She asks, "Who was that?" and he says, "Oh just work." and she responds with "It always is" or something before frustratingly leaving for school. Then when she comes home from school, he's on the phone again,  uses the same excuse, and then she gets on his back about it, prompting him to leave. Otherwise, this whole 'affair' thing comes out of nowhere, as well as Gary's character (and his death, too). Let Gary have a little more screen time. Show the strain on their relationship.

You've got something good going on here, and I feel it could use more work, a little bit more fleshing out, and you could have a good drama here. I'd love to see how Sheryl and David's conversation plays out once they run into each other at the funeral home. I'd love to see more incorporation of the book and its contents, as it seems to be an important token in the story, but all it's used for is being passed from one person to the next. If it's a book on loss and grieving, and our main character loses her husband, you'd think she'd use that book to help get her through her troubles. David can use his knowledge to get through his own grieving, and also help Sheryl. They could become best friends at the end of this story, coming closer together through the loss of their loved one.


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 16
eldave1
Posted: February 22nd, 2018, 11:25am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4829
Posts Per Day
2.62
Solid - congrats!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 16
Kirsten
Posted: February 22nd, 2018, 11:55am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
212
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey Sean, thanks for the read, very much appreciated.

And thanks for all your good suggestions. This is a tricky one because i'm trying to keep it short and it's a redo of one I posted a few weeks ago called The Sneeze. It's theme is based around the butterfly effect. The first version was a sneeze and a glob of mucus landing on sheryls hair in class. David is the one who sneezes. which in turn causes Gary to have an accident and die. people were too grossed out by this, so I tried to find another death causing thing....The Book ... I purposefully called the book 'grieving and loss' to add to the twist. A simple text book, named something that they will be enduring soon, ends up bringing them together and unveiling the truth in an unimaginable way...maybe that should be the logline lol...

I do have a longer ending to this where they do find out why they are at Gary's funeral, but a very good published writer friend of mine felt it was too long. So I cut it where it was....

I like your idea about introducing Gary at the beginning, its good.

I used the term abnormal in the class scene so that people would assume it is a psych class. That was it's only relevance. Nothing to do with homosexuality... lol.. I'm gay and I'm glad you bought it up if you thought i was inferring it's abnormal. I was a psych student and that question has always stuck with me...it was the first thing that came to mind ...

To me this is a quick twist drama, and I'm finding out how hard these things are to get right in short form!

If you want to see the ending I wrote let me know and I'll post it here...
Thanks again


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 16
Kirsten
Posted: February 22nd, 2018, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
212
Posts Per Day
0.20
Thanks Dave...very random...lol..


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 16
Zombie Sean
Posted: February 22nd, 2018, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1458
Posts Per Day
0.29
Kirsten,

That makes more sense now. Maybe start out with David at the bookstore, and he sees one last copy of Grieving and Loss and rushes to it, only to have another student take it before he does. The student, feeling generous--or maybe they're going through their own grieving and loss--takes pity on David and decides to give him the book, sparking the butterfly effect (otherwise, if the student never gave him the book in the first place, Gary wouldn't die). I dunno, just trying to tie in the butterfly effect a little more.


Quoted Text
I used the term abnormal in the class scene so that people would assume it is a psych class. That was it's only relevance. Nothing to do with homosexuality... lol.. I'm gay and I'm glad you bought it up if you thought i was inferring it's abnormal.  I was a psych student and that question has always stuck with me...it was the first thing that came to mind ...


Haha I only pointed that out because I, too, am gay and I was like, "She better not be saying that homosexuality is abnormal!" Maybe use something a little bit more relevant, such as grieving over the loss of a loved one via breaking up a relationship. This will sorta foreshadow what will happen to Sheryl. Not necessarily the death of Gary, but if he never died then eventually their relationship would become strained due to his closeted affair and they could eventually divorce. Plus, David and Sheryl's conversation about her friend getting divorced would also tied into the lecture that the teacher has. I just thought that "abnormal" was a term that would later be revisited in the story. Maybe Sheryl and Gary's relationship is abnormal?? Or the love triangle that's currently going on (well more like a love, upside-down V) is abnormal?? I dunno.

I'd like to see the original ending that you had before you cut it. I just thought that the script ended rather abruptly and that there should be at least a page or two more of conversation between Sheryl and David. They're classmates, revisited through a friend that neither of them knew they were mutual friends with, which could spark an interesting conversation between the two. I understand why you stopped it where you did, and as a short it could be a good place to stop, but I was just anticipating a little more once they ran into each other.

You can email, PM, or post here a link to the original ending if you want. Google Docs, dropbox, etc. and post the link. I'd love to see it!


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 16
Kirsten
Posted: February 22nd, 2018, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
212
Posts Per Day
0.20
Sean,

Haha, I would have got my heckles up too if I thought someone was saying that about homosexuality.

like the beginning idea, it does need something added to the beginning. I think I have scenes still stuck in my head from the first draf. I put him in his car at the beginning in the original to show him with his cold and eventual sneezing episode...

I need a fresher look at it...it did get a bit stale in my mind. I think I wanted it to end as close to the reveal as possible. I'm going to leave it for now since it's being filmed but you have given me alot of good advice. You've made me think more about an even bigger picture in this story. This is just generally good information to have when writing. So thanks for that...

I'm going to read your horror script over the next week... I read at night and sometimes it sends me off to sleep sooner than I like...

Heres the ending.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/w2fvs7jzpnuv2l4/The%20Book%20ending.pdf?dl=0

Cheers Kirsten


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 16
Zombie Sean
Posted: February 22nd, 2018, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1458
Posts Per Day
0.29
Kirsten,

The ending was better and went in the direction that I was hoping! I wish you kept it, and then have Sheryl say her last line while still hugging David, then pulls away, takes his hand, and says, "Come on." as she leads him to the funeral home. You should've kept the ending in there, but that's just gonna be my opinion!

Or she doesn't say anything all, hugs him, and FADE OUT.

Either way, it's awesome that you've got your script optioned and hopefully it all works out in the end!

Thanks for giving my script a read!


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 16
Fausto
Posted: February 23rd, 2018, 9:30am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
New Jersey
Posts
197
Posts Per Day
0.14
Hi Kirsten,
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! GREAT JOB!
All my best,
Fausto
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 16
Kirsten
Posted: February 25th, 2018, 5:53am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
212
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey Fausto, THANKYOU!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 16
Kirsten
Posted: February 25th, 2018, 6:04am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
212
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey Sean

I'm glad you liked the ending.. I'm going to send to the the guy who optioned it, give him the choice to add it.
Thanks again for all your advice! I started the first 24 pages of your script last night, I'm liking it...


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 16
RichardR
Posted: March 2nd, 2018, 10:16am Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
922
Posts Per Day
0.52
A note.

If you're trying for a cause and effect script, the butterfly effect, you might consider telling this story backwards.  Every step back reveals how it pushed the future.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 16
Don
Posted: March 7th, 2018, 11:17am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13190
Posts Per Day
1.94
How did I miss this?!?

Congrats!

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 16
Warren
Posted: March 7th, 2018, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
2592
Posts Per Day
2.21
Hi Kirsten,

Congrats on the option.

Gave this a read, I didnít mind it, felt like a pretty well-worn story.

Itís early here in Oz so I'll blame that, but I really struggled to wrap my head around the ending.

On two occasions you change the scene heading and use the word "he", instead of Gary or David. For me this provided unnecessary confusion. I realise you were building towards a reveal but I think in the script it should be quite clear.

Like I said, it may have just been me. I did read it 3 times before I finally got it.

I personally prefer the ending on the original script. I think the extended one is too expositional.

Anyway, it wasnít bad. Just a little confusing at the end.

I'm guessing they have quite a budget for this? If filmed as written this would be quite expensive to make.

Look forward to seeing what they do with it.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 16
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006