A Haunting For Johnathan by Curt Dennis - Horror - Johnathan, and his girlfriend Christina, go to his dead mother's house to  collect her belongings, but soon discover her death may have been more sinister than previously thought…  90 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Curt,

This script reminds me a lot of mine, Where the Bad Kids Go, but at the same time it's quite different. Congrats on completing a script without using the letter 'E' in it. I was skeptical so I used the Control + F function and it's true that there is no letter 'E' between FADE IN and FADE OUT. That's quite impressive. Was this a personal challenge, or something that you're doing for a competition, or what? Why did you decide to write a script without using that specific letter?

However, as impressive as it is, it was quite distracting with the usage of words that you have, and how the descriptions read. You use synonyms that normally wouldn't be used in every day talk, and descriptions should read easy, clean, and should flow smoothly and concisely. When you replace "eyes" with "pupils" or "oculars" it just doesn't sound right, and distracted me from the story. Same with the character names, you say them so much that it becomes repetitive and overused. I get that you're trying not to use the words "he" and "she" or "her" but when you have a name mentioned 4-5 times in one sentence or paragraph, that gets a bit old after a while. Some of the dialogue reads well, though you have a few pieces of dialogue that just do not read realistically at all. For instance:

Quoted Text ANDY (CON'T) Rapidly fluctuating conditions could also author strain . I did find a big pit in your laundry room wall- possibly that has a link with it?

No letter 'E' but at the same time, nobody talks like that. Also when people use the word "than" to replace "then". That just reads weird as well. Again, I get what you're trying to do, but this is just distracting. I suggest a rewrite where you do use the letter 'E' so that the script reads easier and isn't as distracting when you use words that normally wouldn't be used.

So I'm on page 73 now and not very much is going on. So far we've just had some blood dripping and a dog die, and a shadowy figure that appears every once in a while. What about Ava's hospital visit? What attacked Max? What's this shadowy figure? The lightning? By this point the protagonist should be nearing a climax, but instead nothing is really happening, it's more about Johnathan and Christina's relationship and Don looking for Max. I'm gonna keep reading...

Okay, finished now. So I'm assuming that this malevolent shadow is a metaphor for depression, correct? Paul passed away, which caused Ava to go into depression and...kill herself? We never find out how she dies, but I'm only assuming, because Johnathan kills himself and beforehand acts the same way as Ava does in the DVD he finds. And finally, the shadow reappears at the end as Christina is obviously depressed.

Speaking of which, Johnathan's death sort of comes out of nowhere. He should find the shotgun earlier in the script and then obsess over it. Maybe he dreams about it, or has flashes of images of the shotgun in his head. I thought maybe he was going to use the shotgun to fight the shadow, but when he killed himself instead, it kind of came out of nowhere.

Though, is the shadow real? What happened to Max? We never really know about that either, which is fine. Adds to the mystery of whether or not this entity truly exists. What was the deal with the lightning? And the burnt barn? Maybe I missed something? Also, why would Christina get the call that Ava passed away, and not Johnathan? It is his mother after all. And I'm sorry to say this, but Don annoyed me. He was way too outgoing to the point where I wanted him to be quiet. But that's his character I suppose, and I'm sure that if you find the right actor it will play well on screen.

I think you have a good thing going here. This script would be easy for production. The way the script is written alone is intriguing enough, but it distracts from the story, at least for me, as some sentences are structured weirdly with the word choice. It's a good story, but not too much really happens in it, which can be a good thing because it saves room for a lot of character development, which you had, but there were not very many plot points in the script. It's a very slow-burn story, which in some ways can be good if done right. Let me know if I didn't touch on anything that you want feedback on.

Thanks Zombie Sean! I'll have to give that a read. To answer your first question, it was a personal challenge, though can have subtext as well. But it's the most widely used letter so I figure eh, it'll give people a reason to at least open the script up

As far as the distracting nature . . . dammit! I knew that would be my biggest hurdle but apparently it's bigger than anticipated. Thanks for sticking through it all though! If that's the only thing bad with future iterations though, I'll be happy.

As for a lot of your specific questions, I thought about them, and I think they go hand in hand with your slow burn comment. That being said, I didn't think this was actually a slow burn, so it's good to hear that perspective! I'm also not sure about how much hand feeding is too much (as far as explicitly stating Ava killed herself or how Max died), especially in horror, but obviously that's something I can explore and find out in future iterations!

You also picked up on the subtext, for better or for worse (after all, I am trying to make it a horror and not an explicit social commentary), which is another reason for no E's- I want it to feel like something is missing and not quite right but you can't put your finger on it (I kind of ruin it by telling you on the title page what I'm doing but that is why I thought this exercise would be appropriate for this script).

I am happy you hate Don. I hope it brings Johnathan and Christina closer together.

But thank you! Not only for confirming things I had suspicions about (i.e. I didn't feel the ending was predictable enough) but for giving ways to fix them (I think I'll add a shotgun in the study and bullets in Don's truck. That way Johnathan can think about the gun and get the bullets later). Also thank you for giving me ways to think about the story- I was dwelling on your advice and realised my plot points are like little Diglets. They just pop up out of the ground and pop back down. Instead, they should pop up and push the ball forward.

EDIT: As far as what I was hoping for, this is the first time anyone's given me feedback on any of my personal work, so I'm really just glad you actually mentioned production if I'm being honest. I mean, I know I'm not there yet (I currently fixed the call and shotgun thing, thinly, and am trying to make everything sound more natural until I can find where to put in more shotgun scenes), but you hated characters you should, got the subtext, and seemed like you wanted to know more about the backstory. So success! Ish.

Quoted Text To answer your first question, it was a personal challenge, though can have subtext as well. But it's the most widely used letter so I figure eh, it'll give people a reason to at least open the script up

Well it worked on me. When I saw that blurb on the title page, it intrigued me and made me look further into the script. I'm sure it's taboo to have something like that on a title page, but I'm not complaining. It was eye-catching and had me read more of the script. Unfortunately, as impressive as it is to write a 90-page script without using the letter 'E', it was quite distracting for me. For me. I don't know about others who will open this script up and give it a read, but hopefully it doesn't deter them from reading this. 1) like I said, the usage of certain words just seemed too weird and unnatural, even for descriptions, and distracted me from the story, and 2) not that this is as big of a deal, but I was also constantly scanning the script for the letter 'E', even though I already knew there wasn't any trace of it after using the Control + F function. This could happen to potential producers or directors as well, which is why I suggest you rewrite this script in a normal fashion if you consider taking this script further than just SimplyScripts.

Quoted Text As for a lot of your specific questions, I thought about them, and I think they go hand in hand with your slow burn comment. That being said, I didn't think this was actually a slow burn, so it's good to hear that perspective! I'm also not sure about how much hand feeding is too much (as far as explicitly stating Ava killed herself or how Max died), especially in horror, but obviously that's something I can explore and find out in future iterations!

You didn't hand feed really at all. I only assumed Ava's death even though it's never explicitly said, just by connecting the dots at the end. Max's death, however, seems a bit odd. Gash marks, the same as on the box? I'm wondering if the entity DOES exist, but I'm also wondering if Johnathan didn't kill Max either. I mean, the dog was kind of annoying Johnathan anyway, he could've easily found a pitchfork and gutted the dog. I dunno!

I'm sure that if this were filmed it would move a lot quicker, especially considering how much dialogue there is. Dialogue will move faster than action, both reading and filming-wise, but there was just so much talking in this script that I was waiting for the action to happen as well. I'm not saying that absolutely nothing happens in your script, but I feel there need to be a few more plot points to move the story faster.

You started off well with us going to the house within the first ten pages of the script, but after then it drags down and we learn more and more about the characters, but no so much about the story. There's gotta be a healthy balance, and with your script, it's moreso people talking to each other and the drama behind it, than the original story that your logline first drew me to. Even if it's so much as Johnathan seeing more shadows in the corner of his eye, or him even hearing voices or something, just anything to help keep the reader intrigued. If we just follow characters around from one place to the next and the plot doesn't necessarily move forward, then they're scenes that will most likely get cut since they drag the story down.

Quoted Text You also picked up on the subtext, for better or for worse (after all, I am trying to make it a horror and not an explicit social commentary), which is another reason for no E's- I want it to feel like something is missing and not quite right but you can't put your finger on it (I kind of ruin it by telling you on the title page what I'm doing but that is why I thought this exercise would be appropriate for this script).

Okay, I'm glad I was able to figure out the subtext of the script, which actually made the story a lot better. I tried to do the same with Where The Bad Kids Go but it's not as subtle as how you did it. It actually made me question at the end whether or not this entity was real, so good job. You also did a good job with making things feel a little 'off' or 'surreal' in a way, and I don't know if it was the exclusion of the letter 'E' or if it was just the way that the story was. It seemed quite dream-like, especially the barn on fire scene, and how it was a different color, and then the fire just didn't exist at all.

Quoted Text But thank you! Not only for confirming things I had suspicions about (i.e. I didn't feel the ending was predictable enough) but for giving ways to fix them (I think I'll add a shotgun in the study and bullets in Don's truck. That way Johnathan can think about the gun and get the bullets later). Also thank you for giving me ways to think about the story- I was dwelling on your advice and realised my plot points are like little Diglets. They just pop up out of the ground and pop back down. Instead, they should pop up and push the ball forward.

You're welcome! The ending was not very predictable but at the same time did come out of nowhere a bit. I like the idea of Johnathan finding a shotgun earlier in the script, in the house. Maybe it's Paul's before he passed away. And finding the bullets in Don's truck is also a good idea. Definitely work on adding in more plot points if possible. 90 pages is a good length for a feature script, but you could easily added an additional 5-10 pages if you wanted to with more action scenes that pertain to the plot. If you decided to. But like I said, this could be a good slow-burn script if done right.

Quoted Text So success! Ish

You did it!

I actually wrote the first draft normally, but added a lot after that. So a normal version DOES exist, kind of. I think I'm actually happy, at this point in my scriptwriting, if you're scanning for an E though. I know I'm making a bunch of mistakes so maybe it'll mask them (not for a critique of course, but for a producer).

Literally, the gash marks are supposed to be the shadow antagonist. So for the story, yes, the shadow did leave the marks, kill the dog, light the fire. For the subtext, the scratches could just be a dream (as they are in the script). A wolf or a bear could've gotten to the dog- after all, it is a forest and it is just stairs. And the fire could've been stress related. But I did struggle with Act II, and when I thought of different events I was like, "yes, I got some more ideas!" It's refreshing though to be told, even by just one person, I need more in it. It's eye-opening in a good way.

I have your script up now. I'm currently trying to fix the flow and the dialogue in mine
(Andy (CONT'D)
Animals always burrow in old buildings. For warmth and food. I did find a big pit in your laundry room wall. That could do it.) but I'm actually copying your style a bit! Shorter sentences. More exact. Less words that don't add anything. Precision. So that makes me think I'm on the right track!

I think I know how to upload revisions, so I'll definitely do that once I implement your critiques. And probably give your script a read when I'm trying to think of more plot points to add so I can see how other, more versed people would do it (and since it's pretty similar, at least in logline)

The revised draft is uploaded. Thanks Don! Hopefully it reads a bit better and I think it's a bit more predictable too . . .

Hey Curt,

Giving this a quick re-read.

The scene where they receive the phone call is good. When she says "Johnathan is actually away right now. That's why." It makes me curious as to what she means by "that's why," in a good way. Still kind of makes me wonder why Christina received the call, and I think it's because they tried calling Johnathan but he didn't have his phone on him.

Also, good job with cleaning up your descriptions. They read a lot easier now that you're using fewer 'weird' words, and you're not repeating the same character name over and over again.

Page 21,

Quoted Text CHRISTINA Why nails? JOHNATHAN To nail things. Looks slightly hurt. But Johnathan sustains his shopping; not so much as a flash towards Christina.

I would restructure the first action line. At first I didn't know who was looking slightly hurt. Instead, write it as: "Johnathan looks slightly hurt, but sustains his shopping;..."

Page 24,

Quoted Text JOHNATHAN What? (yawns) I'm a bit drowsy. Stops typing. Not cordial now.

Might want to put Christina's name in that description. You actually do this quite a bit, which makes it rather difficult to decipher who is doing what. It's okay to have the character's name there, just try not to be so repetitive with it. Reading stuff out loud sometimes helps, with both action and dialogue, especially dialogue, and you will see when it starts to get a bit repetitive.

Now that I'm reading this script again, I realize that Christina is actually expecting a little too much of Johnathan to get over the death of his mother as quickly as possible. Johnathan is obviously depressed and grieving over the death of his mother, and Christina is telling him to stop bitching. That's pretty harsh. Has Christina never lost anybody close to her before? Or a parent? Maybe mention something like that in there if Christina is going to be a little too expectant of Johnathan to get over it.

So I do like the hints toward the shotgun, but I do feel like you're doing it a little too much. I like the casual glances at the shotgun, and the image of his shadow holding a gun, and the sound of the gunshot during his dream sequence; as well as how the gun is perfectly fine after the fire. However you are hinting at the usage of it a little too much, in my opinion. Maybe it's because I already know the ending, so that could also be why. But even if this were my first time reading it, I would guess something about the shotgun would be important. The subtle references to a gun to his head are nice too (the yearbook quote, him talking to the window when trying to get a breath of fresh air).

I don't know why, but Christina's reaction to Max makes me laugh. She just sounds so perplexed.

I do like the segment where Johnathan sort of sleepwalks or is in a trance and spoons his shotgun.

Man people are really treating Johnathan kinda crappy. He's in mourning and they're getting on his back about it, as if he's acting like a child.

So, this has gotten better. Might want to really go through it word by word and pick out as many errors as you can find, since I spotted a few. The second read made the story flow a lot easier--I guess I was distracted by the 'no letter 'E'' aspect. The characters seem rather harsh toward Johnathan and I do feel that he didn't necessarily deserve as much bitching from them than he did. And unfortunately, you were right in it being a little too predictable. Less is more sometimes, and if you sprinkle shotgun references here and there, then it's fine. But if you do it too often then people will begin guessing, and most likely get it right. Like I said above, those were good additions.

Good luck with future drafts!