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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Adhara Bonnet: Second Chance Moderators: bert
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  Author    Adhara Bonnet: Second Chance  (currently 546 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Adhara Bonnet: Second Chance by Jamal Macon - Sci Fi, Fantasy - After being betrayed by her mentor Gunnery Sergeant McKinney, tough-as-nails Marine Adhera Bonnet is forced to unmask his plot to change world politics using an army of dangerous robots. 95 pages - pdf, format

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StevenClark
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Jamal,

Although I wonít have a chance to read this, I did skim it quickly, and one thing that flared at me immediately were your action blocks, especially when you are describing a character. As a rule, they should not go over four lines. Itís an unwritten rule, but a smart one to adhere to. Personally, I try never to go over three lines. It just makes the read quicker, and tighter. Anything overly lengthy serves to do nothing but help take the reader out of the story, and thatís never a good thing. Try again. If you canít say it in three lines,
Max four, then cut it, or start another paragraph. Hope this helps. Good luck.

Steve


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Gerasimos
Posted: March 24th, 2018, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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OK, just finished my notes on this, and i must say, wish i could write that well.  
Now, straight to the point.
Formatting and grammar is pretty solid on this.
The concept is strong, protagonist (adhara) too. However Mckinney's role as the antagonist looks pretty weak. It's not until the middle of the script we see he's alive, and what's his role in the script. I also think that something more is missing regarding Jared's build up as a catalyst (?).
Now the really weak point in my opinion is the time between action scenes. Two much discussion/analysis/etc going on. I was hoping for more action. The minor characters look ok, but the whole pacing looks weak for such an action movie.
Some page by page notes:

She has a look on her face that says she does what she wants - page 2
He's larger than life. He looks worn by life. He's seen his fair share of brutality in this world. -page 3
i will ........ that knife of yours and introduce it to your balls - page 4 (missing a verb
jared dialogue - page 6 (action instead of dialogue formatting)
mckinney first dialogue -page 6 (doesn't mean you're a marine. you'll become a marine. some of you won't make it). Doesn't sound well, change it somehow.
adhara dialogue - how long am i on the sidelines? (you mean will i be on?-as a new co it has to i guess) page 10
draxler 'speaks like a brainy person who thinks without a feeling' -page 11 (you already said that 'he has no emotion in his voice', so i think that's enough).
a bit slow paced until page 16.... and then... BOOM! earned you another 20 pages of reading!
pages 19 and 21. "you don't need to worry about mckinney anymore. As far as we know he is dead" VS "we think he is dead".  Jared is sure VS unsure. Let's see how this goes later on.
the team are boarding the flight (boards?)-page 27
oops, there it is. page 29 - the discussion about mckinney is back, out of nowhere. They're going on a random mission and she worries about a dead guy? So he is not dead.. but she worries about a face to face meeting with him. Hmm.. Probably Jared's first report on Mckinney's death must change.
have just finished clearing - cleared? -page 30
adhara discussion - page 35 you forgot (cont'd) same goes for mckinney page 47, draxler page 50 etc.
then the begin passionately.. delete then - page 46
have you every taken... you mean ever* page 86


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