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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Timmy: Customer Service - WT
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  Author    Timmy: Customer Service - WT  (currently 1706 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Timmy: Customer Service by Frank MacCrory (FrankM) writing as  - Short, Sci Fi - A troublemaker pushes the limits of cheerful customer service. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 6th, 2018, 10:13am
revised draft
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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I honestly thought that I was missing some pages when I got to the end. Am I? You start you FADE IN, but then make no indication that the story is over and it is only 3 pages long.

Some of the humour hits, I chuckled once or twice. I don't think I understand the story though, Jake just wants to create havoc for the robots?


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Dustin
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:20am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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The writing lacks flow.

Interesting. The story is creative to the point I think I actually like it.


Writing: 2
Story: 3.5

2.75


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khamanna
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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ahaha, this is a very nice beginning to a short.
You do need an ending.

It's still going to be a very tough call when choosing between the two. Nice job here. But I do think it lacks the ending.
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Stumpzian
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Zips along pretty well but no real destination or rationale. Names Timmy/Tammy/Tommy slowed me up.



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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Just okay for me.

Would have liked a little more foreshadowing of the environment - i.e., maybe place this in the future so the auto cars and droids immediately make more sense.

A difficult them and kudos for the effort.


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CameronD
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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I'd say a SUPER at the beginning to indicate this is the future would help. Just having autonomous cars on the street isn't enough to show it's the future.  Also, as TIMMY looks human, though fake, from the outside it may be hard for the audience to know what's really going on here.

I wish the boy had a reason to mess with the robot instead of just messing around with him for fun. Once the initial joke of the boy's lies and TIMMY's interactions is set up, it gets old fast.

I do like the ending where the boy's misdeeds come back to hurt him and the ambulance is called off due to his allergy. I think this script would do better if it was shorter and got to the ending/punchline faster. As that's really all it is, a setup to the gag at the end. Which is good.

Again, considering the awkward constraints of the challenge you did a good job. However, having read your competition, they did a better one. Incident at the Super mart gets my vote.


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DanC
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty hit or miss.  It felt more like a skit rather than a story.

But, you hit the parameters, so, that's good.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Not a huge fan of this one. Some funny moments but not much of a story or any reason to care about the people/androids. Perhaps with more time you can flesh this out into something more.

Oh, and brutal challenge parameters. So, pretty decent effort.


That rug really tied the room together.
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PKCardinal
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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I like your take on the character who can't tell the truth. It's fun. I agree that it'd be nice for there to be a reason he's messing with the robot, but given the constraints...

The payoff felt a bit like an add-on. Given more time and a couple of rewrites, maybe you could get it to fit into the story a bit more organically.

Overall, I enjoyed the script.


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Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Comedy is always tough.

I didnít mind it but it's definitely not as good as the super mart script.

Could have used a better payoff.


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JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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I liked where this was going but it fell just a tad short. You had one more page to put a good zinger on the end to bring it home but it just seems to end abruptly. I just wanted to know if he was just messing with the bot or if he had another end in mind.

Good stuff, but not great for me.
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pale yellow
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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CUSTOMER SERVICE
I enjoyed the dialogue.
This is the second sci-fi story Iíve read with robots.
This read very fast and the dialogue was snappy.
It was mostly one scene with a quirky gotcha at the end.  I was getting tired of Jake anyway at that point. So glad of the outcome. Like the irony. Good job writer.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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I like some SciFi with my SciFi, and this seemed more comedy... having said that I did kinda like the comedy inherent in confusing robots in this way.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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Short and funny, though not as sci-fi as I was hoping. Still, it was well done and I liked the dialogue between everyone, especially Timmy and Tammy. Good job with this one.


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