Room 2304 by Anonymous - Short, Action - A scientific data analyst thwarts a group of costumed crooks trying to steal the company’s cancer research on Halloween - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Buddy needs a description.

Exposition-palooza during the first dialogue exchange between Alex and Buddy.

"5th" should be "fifth" in dialogue.

Action lines get long-winded when Alex and Buddy are attacked.

Interesting little twist there at the end, but fell flat since we weren't given any information regarding that character.

Writing - 3/5
Story - 3/5

Total - 3

The set-up is there, but there's nothing to hang onto.
Despite thick action blocks, I don't know why these overused monsters do what they do.

No need for scene numbers

The action blocks are way too long/dense - break em up.

This was just okay for me.

Try to get in the habit of breaking up your action blocks.

Dialogue is exposition heavy. Try to be more subtle about conveying backstory. The dialogue at the beginning was a bit confusing. Were they trying to steal the data also or just worried the company would think they were trying to steal it?

Sorry but I didn’t enjoy this one.

Your action blocks run way too long.

I agree that I was a bit lost on the details in the beginning.

Very action heavy with this one. Good premise but not enough back story or character building. Break up the action and clean up the 'he did this' and they did that'. Good attempt in 48 hours.

I agree with everyone else.  I love action, but, there was simply too much to read and it wasn't as if we cared for any of them.  

And in retrospect

SPOILERS
His GF kicks him in the balls when she was dressed up.  

Fix this up and you can have a pretty good story.

Dan

Code BUDDY I don’t know, man. They’re gonna think we’re trying to steal the data. The cancer research we’re doing is going to change the entire industry. It’s...

This is horrible. Very amateur dialogue. Viewers demand more.

Code INT. SKYSCRAPER - NIGHT Alex uses a fingerprint scanner to access the elevator and they take it to the 23rd floor. As they exit, we see a sign that reads BACK BAY BIOMEDICAL RESEARCH, INC. Alex uses his badge to enter, where they run into the nightly cleaning crew.

I don't care about 5 lines as that's something silly that only writers care about, IME. However, here there are at least 3 different locations. There is the SKYSCRAPER - LOBBY, there is the SKYSCRAPER - ELEVATOR, also a SKYSCRAPER - 23RD FLOOR.

As they exit they use a badge to enter what? Is there a door you have forgotten to describe getting in their way?

This reads like a shopping list arranged into an action block. There's no flow.

OK, I'm at the scary clown and I've had enough.

Writing: 2
Story: 1

1.5

Along with the rest of the crew, space out your action lines so they're not so blocky. Also, THE SCREAM costume is also called GHOSTFACE, which, IMO, reads smoother and easier than THE SCREAM. The ending was a bit abrupt since we don't really know who Samantha is except for she's one of the main character's girlfriend. Maybe include a scene at the very beginning introducing her and and Alex? And maybe she says she's leaving for a Halloween costume party or something. Otherwise, some of the lines made me giggle, especially about the cleaning crew, but that's about it!

This was meh for me. Lots of ghosts in the machines - one, the "just happen to stumble upon a robbery" trope, two, the girlfriend is the robber, etc. Action for action's sake.

Also, a bit of a nit -it would be difficult to build a lab in a skyscraper. I assume a cancer research lab is going to have x-ray machine. X-rays are not stopped by walls, nor do they stop at floors. So everything would have to be lead-lined. Enormous expense. Which is why these facilities are usually one floor and out in suburbia somewhere.

I think the writer had good intentions with this but it got muddled when put to page. had some good bits but got too messy near the end. Pretty tough topic so fair effort

This was quite disjointed and full of things that didn't quite make sense to, e.g. why would someone who works at an office/lab be worried what people would think about going back to pick up a phone? Why are there kids wandering around 'downtown' at Halloween - who are they trick or treating when there's no houses...

Anyway... at least you got one in.

Very hard to read with the huge action blocks and just a bunch of dressed up monsters beaten the shit of other Monsters... I kinda lost interest half way through sorry

The thing I didn't like the most is sentences like
"they get attacked" and "they fight back"

I think you should show the fight, give it a moment to breathe, make it visible to us.
It's very hard to write, I'm never able to write that, but you were dealt action, so...

I also agree with the readers on the rest of it - thick passages, numbered scenes... The writing is kind of not visual enough for me. That's what brought it down for me in the first place.