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Independence Day by Call Me X - Short, Sci Fi - Monica may not know what she's running from yet, all she knows is that she's got to get away. - pdf, format
Title weirded me out. Instant Will Smith flashbacks.
Formatting doesn't look right with this one. Looks oddly spaced. Writing's mostly OK, but could be slightly trimmed, i.e.: A girl, MONICA BEDFORD, 19 could easily be MONICA (19) and no info would be lost. There are few random typos as well (his should be hiss, pg. 4)
There are a few weird bits in the prose, like Her black hair. Her olive skin. Fragments are fine by me, but I don't know why this is written like this. It's as if the wording is reversed or jumbled.
Story-wise, I didn't particularly see the point of this one. Then again, there doesn't always need to be one. The writer does paint a very vivid dystopian sci-fi setting.
June's death was very brutal, and I'm not sure that I particularly grasped the meaning of that character. Does everyone who gets off die, or just the robots? Maybe I need to give this one another read.
INDEPENDENCE DAY On page 1 ‘sets’ should be ‘seats’ Page 4 ‘his’ should be ‘hiss’ Overall good writing in this. I wanted to know more. I think the end falls flat unless I am missing something. I LOVE the vape pen thing, I LOVE the AI lady, I love that the AI can’t go beyond the perimeter. Lots of good things going here. I just feel the end needs work.
Not sure how I felt about this one. The writing on display is deftly handled for sure, apart from a few typos, but the story just didn’t resonate with me. I think this would be better as part of a feature, where you can get into more of the layers of the story.
Best of luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
You spent too much time on things that don't matter, like character descriptions. I've been told that the rule of thumb is, unless it's vital to the story, it doesn't matter what they wear.
If they are punks, they need to be in punk outfits etc.
Get to the story. the over-writing is a bit off-putting.
I wanted to know more about this world, and you ran out of time.
I agree with everyone else. You have a good idea here. If
SPOILERS June knows she's gonna die, wouldn't she talk about it?
Good job entering. Just focus on the story and the quirks that make the "people" in the story.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
A girl, MONICA BEDFORD, 19, stands outside the bus shelter.
Her black hair. Her olive skin. Her thumbs hooked under the
straps of her back pack, wearing shorts.
Good. But I still want more. Although a great description it reads clipped to me. Is she fat, skinny, pretty or ugly? I want to see who you see.
I Googled 'Blue Streak Bus' and can't find any images for it. Not blaming you, it's only a bus, could be fictional, I just wondered if it was a clue to a specific place in the world.
Code
Monica glances around. The bus is nearly empty. She spies a
wiry GUY in his twenties, a few sets back. The skin on his
face leathery and taut.
Yeah, kinda losing it for me now. I am finding it hard to picture taut, leathery skin.
Code
JUNE
Nuh uh. Hybrid. There's blood coursing
through these veins, doll.
Reminds me of the Pig Woman's line from Electric Dreams. Almost word for word. Ew.
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MONICA
Well, you A.I.'s got that chip, right?
Ew.
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JUNE
That's right. We don't go--
MONICA
Past the perimeter. I know.
Cringing.
Code
An THUD and a POP is heard from outside.
Passive. Nonvisual. I know it's meant to be a sound effect, and you know what it is because you're writing it, but a thud and a pop do not suggest fireworks. I thought perhaps a tyre had blown.
No idea what happened at the end.
Writing: It started really well but then tapered off. 3
Short notes: Pretty soon I thought about the massive potential of a small budget robot-looking-like-people flick. Haven't seen a lot of those and this should be fun for actors to give it their all. I enjoyed the calm and slow plot, but didn't get a clear impression what the ending means. Is it just magnetism, Jane suffers from? Or a waste treatment program from this society to get the "half-robots" off the streets. I wasn't sure about the role of wiry guy and his device either. Anyway, there's been some fun to experience for me, nice atmosphere, and a cool vibe of another gray future, all accomplished in a minimalistic way - and I appreciate that fact.
Dustin, I can't believe you missed the fact that "Her thumbs hooked under the straps of her back pack, wearing shorts" means that her thumbs are wearing shorts...
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This was written well for the most part; issue for me was that the story was delivered 100% in exposition. I know some find them gimmicky but I would have rather have seen flashback / narrative than have the great war, the purge, hybrid AI, etc. delivered through dialogue.
I had high expectations for something big that never came. Kinda disappointing and let down as there seemed to be a decent set-up. I wish there was more here. Some good writing and content that fizzled like a bad firework.