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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Blind Faith - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Blind Faith - WT  (currently 1045 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blind Faith by ??? - Short, Horror - A trio of bullies bring a blind kid to a supposedly haunted old church in order to torment him.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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CameronD
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, read this along with One Hundred Nights which it was paired with.

This was by far the stronger of the two. We had an actual story here and it wasn't bad.

One problem though was all the characters. Five pages doesn't leave much room to build character and having too many makes it hard to build any up. Do we really need the fat kid? I'm not a fan of last names in scripts like this where it doesn't matter either. I'm trying to remember first names and once mentioned last names don't help.

Why does the ghost wave at the blind boy to check his sight? Not sure if that was meant to be comical on purpose but it comes across as so.

I liked the idea of this horribly scarred and deformed ghost being kindhearted and helpful. However when the ghost ends up massacring the boys that expectation went out the window. Too hard not to pass up the decapitated head gag at the end though.

This had a story, was well written, and met the challenge parameters. Winner. Good job.


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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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Overall a solid effort paired up against another solid effort.

Some of the action blocks could be trimmed. A minor issue.

Would have preferred the apparition to be less ghoulish. more mysterious.

Very nice effort given the short time frame


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MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Solid enough effort. I've seen this story before so many times but you only had 48 hours so can't complain that much. I think you can go through and trim some of the descriptions. Maybe even cut out one of the bullies. It was a bit hard to differentiate them so it might help to focus your energy on just two of them.  


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PKCardinal
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a bit confused. Why is Jim the survivor (and blind) at the end? Is that the twist, that the ghost blinded him? Or, was it supposed to be Ricky that exits the church?

Anyway, thought the writing was solid. Best of the scripts I've read so far (still have about half to go.)


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pale yellow
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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BLIND FAITH
Good writing out of the gate.
Great character work from the beginning.
LOVE the dialogue. Exactly how a group of teenagers would speak I think.
On pg 1-2, you got mystery, good characters, fear...liking this.
Iĺm really wanting Ricky to get his eyes back and kick some ass... those kids are so mean!
OMG I love this story! GREAT job writer.


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Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Great script, the only thing I felt let it down was the dialogue and I can even pin point why, it just didnĺt fit well for me.

But thatĺs a minor nit-pick. I really did enjoy it.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Fun stuff. Echoing what the others had said, you could take out a bully and still have the same story. Also, I think you meant Ricky at the end there, unless Jim got blinded by the ghost. Otherwise, this was good.


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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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Good script. I agree that there might be one too many characters. You got a little bit of sympathy from Bo when he was reluctant to join in and still met his demise. Hard to pull off in 5 pages, but you gave it a solid effort.

Out of the two, this one is indeed stronger, more of a story and told well. The right amount of horror, blood and tension built into a short story.

Good job.


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DanC
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, did Jimmy get blinded, or did you mix up the names?  

I thought it was pretty good.  It's hard to do something unique in 5 pages.  It was a familiar tale, but, a good one.

I would have preferred to see her adopt Ricky and have Ricky call her mom at the end or something.  Perhaps his mom died and that makes him even more of a target.

Good solid story.
Dan


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stevie
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah whats with the end? If the names are mixed up, surely it would be picked up in a final run through before submitting?  Good concept just needs a bit of work. And ditch those surnames!  Not needed at all


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Dustin
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Code

EXT.´┐ŻMEADOWBROOK´┐ŻBAPTIST´┐ŻCHURCH´┐Ż-´┐ŻDAY

A´┐Żsmall,´┐Żisolated´┐Żstructure´┐Żof´┐Żthin´┐Żrotted´┐Żwood´┐Żand´┐Żfaded
paint.´┐ŻA´┐Żsmall´┐Żparking´┐Żlot,´┐Żempty.´┐ŻAround´┐Żthe´┐Żchurch,´┐Żdense
woodland´┐Żparted´┐Żby´┐Ża´┐Żpaved´┐Żbut´┐Żpoorly-maintained´┐Żroad.´┐ŻA
sign´┐Żproclaims´┐Ż--

MEADOWBROOK´┐ŻBAPTIST´┐ŻCHURCH
GOD´┐ŻLOVES,´┐ŻGOD´┐ŻSAVES



At last, a real writer that knows how to build images. So much in this description and done in 4 lines. Nice. Thank you.

Code

Something´┐Żrattles´┐Żoff´┐Żin´┐Żthe´┐Żwoods,´┐Ża´┐Żrustle´┐Żof´┐Żbushes,
leaves,´┐Żand´┐Żtwigs.



This is a bit off... like you're running a little scared of getting too deep into this. Please, don't be afraid of using all of the words necessary to build the images and sounds you want me to see and hear. Twigs don't rustle.

I really liked this until the monster at the end and it seems you weren't comfortable writing it.

A good story well told until the tacked on ending that I suppose had to be there.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Well written and a decent story packed into 5 pages... assume the end has the names mixed up?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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Your story... might be good, but the cliche of the jocks picking on the nerd at his locker is seriously one of the most hackneyed over-used openings to a script/movie... at least you substituted the locker for the church... and the nerd for a disadvantage kid.

Did I miss something? I thought Ricky had the walking stick???????????

However, still... there is an interesting idea at the heart of this.

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Revision History (1 edits)
_ghostwriters  -  March 21st, 2018, 12:13am
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ajr
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer, this is not your fault so I'm just going to say....

Sean, you SOB - abusing a blind kid? Made me want to vomit. Made me want to step into the script and kick the living crap out of these snot-nosed SOBs!

Whew! Okay, rant over...

So this is horror and the other entrant is not. Blind kid, check. Baptist Church - sort of. Baptist religion is not really a main component of this script, it's just the location.

The issues I have with this one are (1) it's a pretty predictable horror story; go to an abandoned building, the described monster appears, and the baddies get what they deserve, and (2) the bad kids are one-dimensional. Just evil from the get-go. I know there's an allusion to 'getting some God' into the blind kid and that the mother is a loose woman. But everyone who commits a violent act, other than complete sociopaths, have a misguided reason for doing so. I don't really feel that from these kids. They just feel like evil sociopathic bullies. And for me, combined with the fact that the story itself is predictable....

Well written. But tough choice.


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