SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 10:33am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Blind Faith - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Blind Faith - WT  (currently 1797 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Blind Faith by ??? - Short, Horror - A trio of bullies bring a blind kid to a supposedly haunted old church in order to torment him.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
CameronD
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
542
Posts Per Day
0.14
Ok, read this along with One Hundred Nights which it was paired with.

This was by far the stronger of the two. We had an actual story here and it wasn't bad.

One problem though was all the characters. Five pages doesn't leave much room to build character and having too many makes it hard to build any up. Do we really need the fat kid? I'm not a fan of last names in scripts like this where it doesn't matter either. I'm trying to remember first names and once mentioned last names don't help.

Why does the ghost wave at the blind boy to check his sight? Not sure if that was meant to be comical on purpose but it comes across as so.

I liked the idea of this horribly scarred and deformed ghost being kindhearted and helpful. However when the ghost ends up massacring the boys that expectation went out the window. Too hard not to pass up the decapitated head gag at the end though.

This had a story, was well written, and met the challenge parameters. Winner. Good job.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 20
eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Overall a solid effort paired up against another solid effort.

Some of the action blocks could be trimmed. A minor issue.

Would have preferred the apparition to be less ghoulish. more mysterious.

Very nice effort given the short time frame


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 20
MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
Solid enough effort. I've seen this story before so many times but you only had 48 hours so can't complain that much. I think you can go through and trim some of the descriptions. Maybe even cut out one of the bullies. It was a bit hard to differentiate them so it might help to focus your energy on just two of them.  


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
PKCardinal
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
I'm a bit confused. Why is Jim the survivor (and blind) at the end? Is that the twist, that the ghost blinded him? Or, was it supposed to be Ricky that exits the church?

Anyway, thought the writing was solid. Best of the scripts I've read so far (still have about half to go.)


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 20
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
BLIND FAITH
Good writing out of the gate.
Great character work from the beginning.
LOVE the dialogue. Exactly how a group of teenagers would speak I think.
On pg 1-2, you got mystery, good characters, fear...liking this.
I’m really wanting Ricky to get his eyes back and kick some ass... those kids are so mean!
OMG I love this story! GREAT job writer.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 20
Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Great script, the only thing I felt let it down was the dialogue and I can even pin point why, it just didn’t fit well for me.

But that’s a minor nit-pick. I really did enjoy it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 20
Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1547
Posts Per Day
0.23
Fun stuff. Echoing what the others had said, you could take out a bully and still have the same story. Also, I think you meant Ricky at the end there, unless Jim got blinded by the ghost. Otherwise, this was good.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
TheUsualSuspect
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:53am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Canada
Posts
351
Posts Per Day
0.05
Good script. I agree that there might be one too many characters. You got a little bit of sympathy from Bo when he was reluctant to join in and still met his demise. Hard to pull off in 5 pages, but you gave it a solid effort.

Out of the two, this one is indeed stronger, more of a story and told well. The right amount of horror, blood and tension built into a short story.

Good job.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 20
DanC
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
So, did Jimmy get blinded, or did you mix up the names?  

I thought it was pretty good.  It's hard to do something unique in 5 pages.  It was a familiar tale, but, a good one.

I would have preferred to see her adopt Ricky and have Ricky call her mom at the end or something.  Perhaps his mom died and that makes him even more of a target.

Good solid story.
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 20
stevie
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Yeah whats with the end? If the names are mixed up, surely it would be picked up in a final run through before submitting?  Good concept just needs a bit of work. And ditch those surnames!  Not needed at all



Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 20
DustinBowcot
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Code

EXT.�MEADOWBROOK�BAPTIST�CHURCH�-�DAY

A�small,�isolated�structure�of�thin�rotted�wood�and�faded
paint.�A�small�parking�lot,�empty.�Around�the�church,�dense
woodland�parted�by�a�paved�but�poorly-maintained�road.�A
sign�proclaims�--

MEADOWBROOK�BAPTIST�CHURCH
GOD�LOVES,�GOD�SAVES



At last, a real writer that knows how to build images. So much in this description and done in 4 lines. Nice. Thank you.

Code

Something�rattles�off�in�the�woods,�a�rustle�of�bushes,
leaves,�and�twigs.



This is a bit off... like you're running a little scared of getting too deep into this. Please, don't be afraid of using all of the words necessary to build the images and sounds you want me to see and hear. Twigs don't rustle.

I really liked this until the monster at the end and it seems you weren't comfortable writing it.

A good story well told until the tacked on ending that I suppose had to be there.


Writing: 4
Story: 4

Total: 4


Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 20
AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Well written and a decent story packed into 5 pages... assume the end has the names mixed up?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
Your story... might be good, but the cliche of the jocks picking on the nerd at his locker is seriously one of the most hackneyed over-used openings to a script/movie... at least you substituted the locker for the church... and the nerd for a disadvantage kid.

Did I miss something? I thought Ricky had the walking stick???????????

However, still... there is an interesting idea at the heart of this.

Ghostie



Revision History (1 edits)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  March 21st, 2018, 12:13am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 20
ajr
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 9:30am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
Hey writer, this is not your fault so I'm just going to say....

Sean, you SOB - abusing a blind kid? Made me want to vomit. Made me want to step into the script and kick the living crap out of these snot-nosed SOBs!

Whew! Okay, rant over...

So this is horror and the other entrant is not. Blind kid, check. Baptist Church - sort of. Baptist religion is not really a main component of this script, it's just the location.

The issues I have with this one are (1) it's a pretty predictable horror story; go to an abandoned building, the described monster appears, and the baddies get what they deserve, and (2) the bad kids are one-dimensional. Just evil from the get-go. I know there's an allusion to 'getting some God' into the blind kid and that the mother is a loose woman. But everyone who commits a violent act, other than complete sociopaths, have a misguided reason for doing so. I don't really feel that from these kids. They just feel like evil sociopathic bullies. And for me, combined with the fact that the story itself is predictable....

Well written. But tough choice.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006