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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Sadie The Maker - WT
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  Author    Sadie The Maker - WT  (currently 1644 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sadie The Maker by Anthony J. Russo (ajr) writing as  - Short, Action - A young girl with special powers is humanity's only hope. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 17th, 2018, 12:47pm
revised draft
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Pet peeve: please don't end a screenplay with a colon. It just doesn't make sense. FADE OUT or FADE OUT. is more appropriate.

I think it's sad that this doesn't have more comments. It's pretty good, though not precisely my cup of tea. The dialogue (and really, the whole setting) was a bit cheesy by my estimation--too cheesy for me, actually--but it does flow well. The script and the story are true to themselves and what they are, through and through. There's an honesty to it.

The voice-overs were overly lengthy and could benefit from being trimmed. They drown out the visuals sometimes. This is of course subjective; others could think differently.

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stevie
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Heavily influenced by Terminator 2, well, the VO is; Sadie=Sarah. The battle of man versus demons instead of Skynet.

Great concept and it started well. But Sadie’s dialogue became long winded and I began to skim. I liked the narrative structure and it was done pretty well for the 5 page limit. Just wasn’t a fan of Sadie’s esoteric ramblings lol


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Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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I quite enjoyed that.

One issue though is that the ratio of voice over dialogue to the action it will go over doesn’t work. Quite a few parts that are really lean on action with lots of talking. Does that make sense?

What are we seeing during all the dialogue? I realise you can draw out the scenes, but still.

Anyway it’s a minor nit.

Well done.


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FrankM
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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I like the concept, but also thought the voice-overs were laid on a bit thick. Par for the course in an early draft, so I hope no one holds it against you.

One nit is that a Christian superhero wouldn’t summon Hercules... she’d summon Joan of Arc or St. Ignatious or something.

Great job.


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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure you don't need SUPERS for the time changes (they're embedded in scene headings)

Descriptions are vivid - set the scene nicely

The VOs became a bit tedious - perhaps if they were broken up a bit.

Solid effort for the short time


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Dustin
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 9:23am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

A WOMAN lies prone while three hairy, blood-matted DEMONS
crouch beside her.



Hairy and blood-matted, and... ? That's it? Are they 3 Harvey Weinstein's by any chance? She is prone, perhaps they are Bill Cosbys? What do you want me to see here? You go for monsters then it's your job to build an adequate image of what they look like.

Do people actually see these scripts or do they just read the words and wrap up a summarisation in their minds? How can poor, unvisual writing ever be deemed solid?

Code

Her blood-curdling SCREAM portends the
unspeakable acts of horror that will follow.



I like this. it says a lot in a small space. It serves to help us better hear the type of scream and the way it is screamed. Nice.

Yeah, this is way better than the other one. I'm shocked they are so close as the writing here is more visual - demons aside.

Ouch. Ruined with the VO telling me everything. So cliche, so... been done, and done to death, at that.

It's all gone a bit Buffy. I think I was too old to watch that. From what I saw of it it looked like badly acted crap aimed at kids.


Writing: 3
Story: 1

Total: 2


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khamanna
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Nice story here. And I liked Sadie.

I won't tell the specifics but if you have that question for me I will - I just think her speech is a bit dispersed as opposed to be forming a case. I believe if you give it time and reread it later you'll see what I mean.
I think you're seeing it now after submitting.
I'm saying this because it's strong and can be even better.

And I liked the ending.
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DanC
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was too much talking, not enough action.  

And she didn't feel like a superhero, she felt like a prophet or something.  

Too much exposition.  All the dialog did was explain how we got here.  Nothing really happened in the here and now.

It was pretty good, but, I'm gonna have to read the other one and see which one was better.

I'm not sure if I can add any advice save for the following:

You don't need the time jumps.
Cut down on the expositional dialog.
more action.

Good luck
Dan


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jayrex
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's not bad.  The one thing I'm not keen on is the over use of V.O.  It feels like the intro to a film where the real story will start, the action.  To me this was a warm up.  I still enjoyed it.  

All the best.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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Sadie The Maker

Short notes: Pretty poetic VOs, thumbs up, feels authentic for this picture. The time changes were irritating since the reader must even get it in context to the timeline the vo is coming from. And if it's that complicated you really have to be very attentive and precise to deliver those changes in reader-friendly manner, which wasn't perfect to me and slowed down the read. I could see some great aspects that would play into some huge material. Atmosphere kept this one alive and I enjoyed some of it. That said, Sadie wasn't very active to me. It would need much more balance buuuut you have drawn a unique picture for sure.

story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 3

presentation (0-5): 3

total: 9


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the concept and the idea that the pure and blind) can combat the rising tide of demons, it's not wholly original but it's handled well.

I do think it's let down by the VO though, too much imho.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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It felt like a odd cross between a short and the beginnings of an outline for a feature. You pretty much lay out an arc for Sadie. She just wants to be a kid but was thrust into this life and death situation where the fate of the world depends on her. The more she engages and lets her guard down, the more fear rushes in and could ultimately kill her. That's all really great stuff but we'd have to actually see it play out over a hundred pages instead of five pages of V.O.

I love the idea that only blind people can lead armies because they've never seen the enemy. I like everything about the world you've built so far. Write this as a feature!


That rug really tied the room together.
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JEStaats
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Very, very cool. I haven't read the comments and wonder if anyone knocked the VO's. I thought them necessary and vital to the storytelling. Great job. Would love to see this expanded.

I just read the comments and most everyone (of course) picked up on the excessive VO's. The short seems more like an introduction to a greater work and that the real story would go from this point.
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CameronD
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Sadie says nobody knows how Satan came then a page later claims it was a build up of negative energy.

I really like the premise of a blind girl fighting demons because she isn't afraid of them. However, this could be written better. Lots of formatting errors and the constant VO wears thin. It works at the beginning but Sadie won't shut up, lol. With a rewrite this coulda been a lot stronger.

Also, Daredevil would clean up in this world of yours.


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