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This isn't so much a story as it's a scene. I would have liked to see some more exposition of the boys backstory and this moonbase they live on. Something as simple as having a picture of dad on a desk, or starting with a flashback of the boys with their father or their dad's demise would help.
Interesting premise, but the pay-off doesn't work simply because it's way too short. The dad being the apparition falls flat because there's nothing foreshadowing his appearance or even the slightest implication that he is dead (or that he even exists, for that matter). Now that I think about it, if the writer's not thinking about expanding this one, the whole thing would probably work better without the "Dad?" line. As in, just let it be a slightly creepy, slightly friendly ghost and that's that.
I also have little idea who the two boys are or why the dome is 1950s-inspired.
None of those things are real problems in and of themselves, but neither the characters nor the narrative are developed enough. The ambition is definitely there and I really like the idea of an apparition from the past on the moon, but this one just didn't do anything for me. Could definitely have benefited from those additional 3 pages.
Minor thing: some scene headers could be tighter, i.e. AT THE DOME WALL could simply be DOME WALL. The script has very few locations (two, I think) so there's no need to lengthen the headers.
Interesting premise. I could see a short developing from this, but, this feels rushed.
Plenty of page space available to fill in the story, so, I'm assuming you just didn't have the time over the weekend to work on this much.
When/if you do develop this further, fill in with material that connects the two boys to their dad. If you can add the emotional element to the creepy elements that exist, you might have a strong short.
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This could have really gone somewhere with the set-up but it fell flat for me. The scene headings need work for sure and get rid of the underline. I think it could've gone someplace if you took some time (and more pages) to make me want to care about the boys and the loss of their father.
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The crazy thing is, this wins IMO b/c the other one made 2 errors:
1. No ghost. 2. Went over the page limit.
So, this gets my vote.
Expand this idea. What is the father trying to do? Why and how does he come back? Why are they on the moon??
Dan
I still gave this one my reluctant vote, but the other entry did NOT go over the page limit, so please don't let that be your deciding factor. The writer made a mistake and titled his first page as page 2. At first I also thought they'd gone over the limit.
I agree that this needed more backstory, perhaps a monument inside the dome to those who lost their lives building it.
What little is here is written well, even if some question your slugline fashion choices.
One nit: a night on the Moon is 354 hours long. If this story gets expanded, you could even address this in dialogue and flesh out the brothers' relationship a tad ("Fine, every twenty-four hours you nitpicky dork.").
Not much to add really. Was waiting to get drawn in, and bam, it's over.
I haven't read the other entry yet but if as said here it went over the page limit, then you writer are very fortunate. Kind of like bidding $1 on The Price is Right.