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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  The Apparition - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Apparition - WT  (currently 2198 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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The Apparition by 0 - Short, Sci Fi, Ghost - Twin brothers encounter something on a night they will never forget. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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CameronD
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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2 pages? Very short.

This isn't so much a story as it's a scene. I would have liked to see some more exposition of the boys backstory and this moonbase they live on. Something as simple as having a picture of dad on a desk, or starting with a flashback of the boys with their father or their dad's demise would help.

Hard to rate as there isn't much here.


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting premise, but the pay-off doesn't work simply because it's way too short. The dad being the apparition falls flat because there's nothing foreshadowing his appearance or even the slightest implication that he is dead (or that he even exists, for that matter). Now that I think about it, if the writer's not thinking about expanding this one, the whole thing would probably work better without the "Dad?" line. As in, just let it be a slightly creepy, slightly friendly ghost and that's that.

I also have little idea who the two boys are or why the dome is 1950s-inspired.

None of those things are real problems in and of themselves, but neither the characters nor the narrative are developed enough. The ambition is definitely there and I really like the idea of an apparition from the past on the moon, but this one just didn't do anything for me. Could definitely have benefited from those additional 3 pages.

Minor thing: some scene headers could be tighter, i.e. AT THE DOME WALL could simply be DOME WALL.  The script has very few locations (two, I think) so there's no need to lengthen the headers.
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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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For the most part the writing is solid - crisp and clean.

Think there could have been a little more meat on the bone here (e.g., exploration of relationship with Dad as an example).


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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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A quickie, but it lacks story and the writing isn't descriptive enough to pull me in.

Writing: 2
Story: 1

1.5
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Some backstory with the dad might help set this up better. But I'm just not sure there's much of a story here. At least, not for a two-pager.


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PKCardinal
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting premise. I could see a short developing from this, but, this feels rushed.

Plenty of page space available to fill in the story, so, I'm assuming you just didn't have the time over the weekend to work on this much.

When/if you do develop this further, fill in with material that connects the two boys to their dad. If you can add the emotional element to the creepy elements that exist, you might have a strong short.


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Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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This is really too short for the story you are trying to tell. We need some idea how this all ties together.

No real point to this.

The writing isn’t bad but I’m definitely not a fan of the bold and underlined slugs.


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JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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This could have really gone somewhere with the set-up but it fell flat for me. The scene headings need work for sure and get rid of the underline. I think it could've gone someplace if you took some time (and more pages) to make me want to care about the boys and the loss of their father.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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I feel like this is from something bigger. Either way, everyone's said what I was thinking. You had five pages to work with and this is it.
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DanC
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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I agree with everyone else.

The crazy thing is, this wins IMO b/c the other one made 2 errors:

1.  No ghost.
2.  Went over the page limit.

So, this gets my vote.

Expand this idea.  What is the father trying to do?  Why and how does he come back?  Why are they on the moon??

Dan


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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Bold underlined slugfest. Whatever.
Only two pages, eh? You couldn't cranked out page 3?  

A domed community? A dome I can't see?
(" transparent " )

Hmmm...


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
I agree with everyone else.

The crazy thing is, this wins IMO b/c the other one made 2 errors:

1.  No ghost.
2.  Went over the page limit.

So, this gets my vote.

Expand this idea.  What is the father trying to do?  Why and how does he come back?  Why are they on the moon??

Dan


I still gave this one my reluctant vote, but the other entry did NOT go over the page limit, so please don't let that be your deciding factor. The writer made a mistake and titled his first page as page 2. At first I also thought they'd gone over the limit.
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FrankM
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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I agree that this needed more backstory, perhaps a monument inside the dome to those who lost their lives building it.

What little is here is written well, even if some question your slugline fashion choices.

One nit: a night on the Moon is 354 hours long. If this story gets expanded, you could even address this in dialogue and flesh out the brothers' relationship a tad ("Fine, every twenty-four hours you nitpicky dork.").


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ajr
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Not much to add really. Was waiting to get drawn in, and bam, it's over.

I haven't read the other entry yet but if as said here it went over the page limit, then you writer are very fortunate. Kind of like bidding $1 on The Price is Right.


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