SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 11:15am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Untitled Short: A True Vomit Draft - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Untitled Short: A True Vomit Draft - WT  (currently 1617 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Untitled Short: A True Vomit Draft by 0 - Short, Comedy - A retiring janitor teaches his young replacement a valuable lesson. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
DustinBowcot
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:40am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Code

A CONDUCTOR taps his baton on the music stand and the dark
hall goes quiet as he raises his hand.

A spotlight highlights: JAKE, male, 20s, a young janitor in a
fresh new uniform, hand raised, ready to lead the nonexistent
orchestra.



Slightly confusing. I take it Jake and the Conductor is the same person. Better would be to describe the sound effect and then move to Jake.


A cute tale but it lacks a certain punch.

Writing: 4.5
Story: 3

3.75
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 18
ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:09am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
974
Posts Per Day
0.15
Not sure what to say about this one. The writing is actually pretty good, in my opinion (though what Dustin had mentioned is valid, as I had the same confusion), but I feel like it just exists, if that makes sense. Of course, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I didn't really feel rewarded after reading it. It felt more like a fragment of something as opposed to a snapshot that truly takes advantage of the short form.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 18
Steven
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:33am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16
Comedy is subjective, I know. I didn't find it funny, but that's neither here nor there.

The writing was good, the story was decent enough.

Writing - 4/5
Story - 3/5

Total - 3.5
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 18
khamanna
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:05am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hmm, lots of good stuff said about this one. And the dialog is very good. It's got a lot of heart.

But I'd want something concrete. Like - what's the overall advice here from the older guy to Jake? And he tells Jake to remember it at the end. And remember row 4 - as if they talked about row four.

Anyway, good dialog. The story is a bit shallow for me.

They talk but they don't reveal much about themselves through dialog. The dialog is smart, but not to the point. and not extremely interesting as it doesn't let me in.

Still a pretty good entry. Cuz the dialog is way too smart, and it's got soul.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 18
ajr
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:19am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
I liked this one a lot. Nothing over the top outrageous, but that's what I liked about it. The writer managed to make both characters three dimensional in the span of 5 pages, and had an extremely difficult assignment, and had a clever take on it. Kudos.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 18
jayrex
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
A well written story.  More on the drama side than comedy for me.

It's a nice angle on the topic though.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 18
eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
The opening confused me:

- The orchestra heard in an EXT location?
- ...The dark hall goes quiet as he raises his hand..... But when the lights come on. No ones there - so how did it go quiet?

Middle three pages were great. Loved the dialogue.

Ending left me - wanted it to deal somehow with the Janitor's love of music - why else open with him fake conducting??

Solid entry - especially for the limited time.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 18
Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Definitely not a vomit draft. This writer has some skill.

Great little short.

Congrats, I think I would have bombed given these requirements.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 18
stevie
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Hmm interesting take. Like others noted, not really funny but very well written. The writer had his eye on the end result and brought him home. Comedy does need to be very funny to be successful however but nice work



Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 18
nastynate
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
East Coast
Posts
34
Posts Per Day
0.01
Technically well written for sure. The interplay between the main characters was solid, just not a whole that leaves a lasting impression. Good execution given the tough assignment so a nice effort all around.


New comedy short, "CRIME SCENE REENACTMENTS." The only TV show that lets actual crime victims reenact the worst moments of their lives for your viewing pleasure.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1337896711/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 18
DanC
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
I thought this was very heartfelt and sincere.  I enjoyed it.  

And I did find some of the vomit stuff funny.  And the play on words for the title worked well.

I'll have to read the other one (obviously) but, IMO, this was pretty strong.

Can't add much more.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 18
MarkItZero
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
That was quite good. Quality dialogue. I'm about to get very nitpicky for a script written in two days, but... it felt a bit disconnected. The vomit is entertaining but it sorta feels like it's there just to steer this away from straight drama. I think you could use Jake's shadow conducting at the beginning as part of his character. Maybe he's an overeager dreamer who wants to be a conductor. Or, maybe he's just jealous/resentful of all these rich people who get music lessons.

Then, Marvin's parting wisdom can have a little more punch to it. He's not just doing a bit of reminiscing. He helps ground the new guy in reality. Something like dreams are great, but just in case fill your pockets as much as you can along the way.

Okay, this is pretty damn good as is. I'm probably too tired to be making sense anyways.

Well done!


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 18
Stumpzian
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 8:04am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
Imaginative approach to the parameters. Well written. Thumbs up.
Henry



Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 18
CameronD
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
542
Posts Per Day
0.14
Didn't really like this one but appreciate the attempt the title's break of the 4th wall. No conflict = no story. Vomit gags get old fast when it's all you have. Wasn't sure while reading if this truly was a vomit draft or was edited and that threw me off a bit, probably.  


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 18
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006