Eat Fresh by R.J. Patteson (RJP) - Short, Horror - A self-absorbed party girl misses her train. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written but a weak story. It's reaching.

Writing: 4
Story: 2.5

Total: 3.25

Newspaper is one word. Sorry, that bugs the hell out of me.

Minor nitpick: verbiage on bum's sign is too long for how I'd picture a bum sign to look, if that makes sense. Maybe kindness appreciated would be better. Anyhow, is the story supposed to be a morality tale, in that she'd have likely lived if she'd given change (or just not been a bitch to him)?

There's a little strangeness in the writing (good lookin', capitalized Mother for no apparent reason) but it's clear enough by me.

Story-wise, it felt a bit uneven. It's creepy enough to be sure, but by page 3 I still didn't have a clear sense of what was happening. Seeing how the page limit is 5, I see that as a negative. The evil ticket vendor was also a little unnecessary, IMO. The monster bum was scary enough on its own. However, I think the whole thing was nicely executed overall. I can certainly visualize it.

In the first two paragraphs, you tell us the character is trying hard to do two different things. It just reads weird to me like that. These actions should be combined into a shorter paragraph that gets to the point.

In the beginning of the story she pulls out her phone - nothing special. But then later she does it again, and you point out the brand new Hello Kitty case...not sure why you didn't mention this at the first instance we saw the phone.

Way too many mundane details filling up the pages. Throughout the story, she walks through the turnstile and down a platform...that's it. Just seemed like the story could have been condensed into just two pages.

Writing - 3/5
Story - 2/5

Total - 2.5

I love how the story was told and I liked how it ended. But I didn't like how the character was made to be. I wish you would have given the woman a more well-rounded personality. When we read stories about people who seem all negatives with no positive traits, we careless about them. Even making them pay the price provoke no emotions in us. If only you allowed us to know more about her, the story could have had a stronger impact on us.

Why didn't you use dialogue at all? Was it a requirement? I really felt a need to hear her say something for some reason. Maybe because I wanted to know more about her. I don't know.

Well done for accomplishing such a well-rounded story within the time given. I can see this turning into a killer short film! Best of luck.

One of the requirements was zero dialogue, and it does that well.

I get why we’re treated to the victim’s misdeeds... she’s not the “innocent” archetype. I was half-expecting a public safety sign in the background that said, “Littering on the tracks: It’s not just rude, it’s dangerous.” Glad it wasn’t there, would have ruined the mood.

I agree the transit worker was unnecessary. Could have popped up to the surface, hear the racket, the few people up there either have headphones or ignore it.

Great work hitting the requirements of this challenge!

Wow. Reading this and all I can think is how I wish I could write this good.

The no dialogue was handled extremely well. Despite no lines being spoken, the woman still has character and we know her pretty well just through actions alone. Show, don't tell expertly applied.

This is a pretty standard story, monster in a scary place. But it's told so expertly well that it's not a problem.  

Also, LOVE the title. Subway - Eat fresh. Get it? GET IT?

Excellent.

This was a great little story. Using no dialogue really worked here. I personally liked the ticket vendor being in on the show. Too bad it was predictable that the vagrant would be the bad guy here, but I still liked how everything turned out. Your writing was well done too. Good job.

When I read no dialog was the requirement I said OMG I'm glad I didn't get this one.  

That's so hard.  

You picked a good topic and story to go with no dialog.  It was decent.  

I would have preferred to see her eat in front of him, while he's got the sign up, and make eye contact and ignore him after that.

Show her being more of a self-absorbed bitch...  That way we care.  As another reader said, when all you show are negatives, you don't form a bond.  Again, very hard with no dialog, but, you never know what your big break will look like.

Great job entering and for a really hard parameter.

Dan

Reasonable effort and cleanly written... one nitpick, and I'm no shoe expert... but didn't think pumps had heels, thought the point of pumps was that they were flat?

Hard parameters really well handled.

I quite enjoyed this one. I did feel it was overly descriptive with a lot of asides, but I think it’s easy to let that slide considering the no dialogue angle.

Congrats.

Where’s the poll and parameters for this one and it’s partner?

Quoted from stevie Where’s the poll and parameters for this one and it’s partner?

It doesn’t have a partner. Either didn’t enter or failed to meet the requirements.

Ah cheers Waz

Ok just read it. Did well if no dialogue was a requirement. What were the others - subway, horror?   Anyway it was written well by a competent author but didn’t really bring anything new to the table.

No dialogue, that’s impressive!

This would have been a really fun challenge. Not easy though.

I think you did it really well; your descriptions are very vivid.

It was an enjoyable read.

Congratulations.