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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Fish Escape - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Fish Escape - WT  (currently 1507 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fish Escape by 0 - Short, Comedy - Four friends plan to rob an aquarium to pay off their debt. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

So I'm pretty sure this is paired with Pearl of Wisdom. A comedy, in an aquarium and theft (maybe)?

Sorry to say it but you were paired with a class act and your script really pales in comparison.

Their isn't much of a story to yours, stoners rob aquarium, that's it.

The dialogue is very juvenile. I'm guessing, but I think you are a young writer, late teens, early twenties.

Congrats on getting a script in. You had a hard category.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:14am Report to Moderator
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I'm tempted to bail after the first few lines of dialogue. Warren is right, you don't have a chance with this script compared to your competitor. However, I'll get through it and give you a score.

I just skimmed to the end as I couldn't actually read it all.

Writing: 1.5
Story: 0

Total: 0.75
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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I think Warren hit the nail on the head. The writing is clunky and makes me think you might be new to script writing.

I'm sorry to say that I didn't laugh. If the swearing feels natural, it will flow. It didn't for me here.

Good job on getting an entry done.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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khamanna
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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A lot of matter-of-factly dialog that reads like a filler. I just want to skim it as the characters blend and they are not so funny as I would want them to be. There's no much texture to their dialog.

Why are they doing it? Is it a contest for them? They are challenging each other for some reason. I don't know - I may have missed that.
The story is overly simple, which is not a bad thing. So I think you should have capitalized on your characters to draw us in and make it more interesting.
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ajr
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Echo what others have said, this is a lot of stoner dialogue with no payoff. Not even a mention of stealing a rare fish?  To be fair, this was an extremely hard assignment IMO.


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Steven
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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First line should be rewritten to avoid the abundance of commas.

This isn't good, but I'd love if someone filmed it. I'm hoping it's a satirical take on pothead humor, but I have my doubts.

Writing - 1/5
Story - 1/5

Total - 1
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Right of the bat: JOSH, DANIEL, KEITH and, SEAN should get the last comma moved to before  the and. Oxford commas are awesome.

I honestly struggled to read this, despite how brief the descriptions are. There is also a total lack of regard for consistent punctuation throughout. If it were good, I'd compare you to Cormac McArthy, but... Some of the action lines don't even have periods.

There's virtually nothing to the plot, either, just a bunch of stoners being stoners. One of the weaker entries for sure, but this one's competition was tough anyway.



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CameronD
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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It's a script. lol

Maybe a new writer? In that case congrats for entering the tourney. We all start somewhere. And if not a new writer, then I think it's clear this was a last second entry. Numerous typos and format errors abound but that's ok for here. 48 hours isn't much time. Also, comedy is HARD and this challenge was a tough one.

The plot COULD Be funny, stealing fish is absurd but there isn't much more to this than the setup. For whatever reason, the premise sounds like it could be a bad Judd Apatow flick. However I don't know if that's a compliment towards you or a comment on Apatow's recent work, lol.

Keep writing!


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DanC
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Keep writing.  This was hard.

So many issues like why?  What is this debt?  What was their plan?  IT was just so generic with no payoff for originality in any way.  This kinda reminded me of a Fish Called Wanda where they all want this certain fish, but, they had no plan...

I agree that you might be new at writing, so, let me say this:

You could have a cute story about a bunch of idiotic kids who decide to rob a fish tank and go for the cheap fish, which no one wants anyways.  But, even that isn't solid.  

I'll leave you with one bit of advice.  When you come up with an idea for a story, don't just stop at one, look at idea 2, 3, 4, 50000000000.  You never know which one will be great.  My story that I submitted (Not in this genre) was my 4th idea.

Don't be afraid to toss ideas around, combine them, look for inspiration elsewhere etc.

Belive me when I tell you that I started off bad on here, and listened to a lot of people who have helped me get better.  You can too.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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stevie
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah I echo the above reviews. Used too many chars who were each disposable - like their names. One thing I was wondering is how they got the fish out so easily. Did they have scoop nets? The fish would be darting around all over the tank so it wouldn't be that easy lol.



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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Fish Escape

Short notes: This has its charm. Not actually "in" an aquarium, at least how I interpreted it, but I can look over it here since the overall topic is met. Some funny moments, script felt a bit untidy.

story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 1

total: 6



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Afraid to say that there are a lot of typos and formatting issues...

Grabbing fish out of aquariums ain't easy, at least give them nets to make it plausible.

Why does the security guard use a flashlight when the aquarium is still open?

Anyway, story feels incomplete but I followed it easy enough.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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ScottM
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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This wasn’t nearly as enjoyable as the previous script.

Having read what’s involved in this competition. I do think that there criteria you had was quite hard. I’m not sure I would have been able to do much better.

I am a bit confused as to why they needed to steal the fish? The story has no real focus.

Good job on entering


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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DanC
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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I looked at the voting and saw that you didn't get any votes yet.

Don't feel bad.  When I joined and entered my first event, I did terrible.  Not one person had anything nice to say about it.  

Writing is hard.   If it was easy, everyone would do it.  It takes dedication and super hard work.  And you have to reinvent yourself over and over.  Writing changed all the time.

So you have to continually get better.  So don't feel bad.  Instead, use this to channel the feelings you have and use those and the writing tips to get better.


A few recently told me that they feel that I've improved a lot.  It takes time and hard work.  

You can't alter what you wrote, but you can change what you do in the future.  Write better tomorrow than you did today and before you know it, you will be fine.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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