Fleshy Things by William Pratt - Short, Action - Employees at a Halloween bash are about to learn why you should never mess with the office loner.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The plot point of the change happened too suddenly and without explanation. Doesn't work for me, needs another page. Well, it doesn't need another page, it needs a page adding and a page deleting in total to keep it at 5.


Writing: 3.5
Story: 2

2.75

Writing is good.

Zombies, zombies; hasn't anyone had enough? I guess not.

I hate zombie themed stories - just a personal thing. However, thought the writing was solid with a good mix of humor and horror. Gets my vote.

Not sure what to make of this. Seems like you're trying to do too much without enough actual story. Descriptions could probably use a trim in some places. Doesn't really feel like a short to me.

I'm not a zombie guy. (You either are, or you aren't.) But, given the Halloween setting, I see why you went there.

Good job. Had a few layers in there, which was nice.

I like that you set it up as the inciting incident of a larger story. We're left to imagine where the story goes from here.

So why did they start turning into zombies? Did I miss something?

The writting is very good but I really didnt enjoy the story or the random Terminator reference at the end.

Story wise this didn't really work for me. What did work was the back and forth dialogue with the couples. Ronnie and Jessica especially, they would be welcome characters in any horror/comedy hybrid.
The strong visuals were also impressive. Overall, this gets my vote over your competition.

There were definite highs and lows with this one. It could be action as required but would be defined as horror if one didn't know. Good dialog (mostly) and premise. More info is needed to answer the many 'whys' here. Good work, overall.

I'm torn.  Why the sudden change?  It's just too neatly wrapped.  It could have been Ash (in Evil Dead) doing that stuff.

No time spent on the characters means that we don't care for them at all.

Having Ned go from Zero to Hero is cool, but, he didn't take any sort of trial.

I'm really not sure which story was better....

Dan

Well you piqued my interest with the zombies, hence my name. I liked this one, I liked the dialogue and the descriptions. I wish the ending was different. I was hoping Ned would mention something about how he's wanted to kill his coworkers for the longest time and now was his chance. That would make him even weirder than he already is. Now he's just this cool, badass guy I had a feeling there was a gun in the dufflebag and I thought he was just gonna shoot everyone up, but I still liked how it all played out.

I didn't think this was a particularly hard category - action, in a high rise, on Halloween - and I'm not in love with either of the entries.

This one went horror instead of action, and went for a layup with zombies. No back story on how they turned either.

Yeah this is more horror so technically its...well, i guess it has action but...you know...oh ok I'll let it go for now as I really liked the first half of this! The banter was good - actually it was more of a comedy than anything - and the bathroom boontye was a bonus.

Writer knows his stuff, it just got a little out of control. Was funnier than some of the other scripts that were meant to be comedy lol

I liked Ned, interesting idea and loved the idea that he had his zombie survival kit at work - just in case...

But thought it was standard zombie fare beyond that, and the lack of any reason that Ronnie turned bugged me.

Ohh zombie sex !
The writing was good.
The dialogue was good.
The story seemed you felt you needed to jam everything in and the kitchen sink in 5 pages but I still like it.