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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Be Strong Moderators: bert
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  Author    Be Strong  (currently 820 views)
Don
Posted: March 24th, 2018, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Be Strong by Scott Mcdaniels - Drama, War - A soldier must find the inner strengh to get through a bad situation. 95 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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ScottM
Posted: March 24th, 2018, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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This is my short.

I'd love a few reads on it. I'm going to do some more reviewing now.

I know this script is a bit heavy handed on the God stuff, no I'm not a Bible basher. This was written for a friend.

Thanks in advance


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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Gerasimos
Posted: March 25th, 2018, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Although the military slang is a little bit too much for my standards (english is not my first language), the story looks good, pretty solid. I find it hard to find any 'flaws'. The only thing that pops to mind right away though, is Carter's char build up. He looks like an ordinary soldier who is driven by God at the end, towards a heroic action (save the day for the rest). If that's the case on this, yes you hit a jackpot. Else, i feel like there's something missing. It's good nevertheless.


Features:
KTT Part ONE - The Polar Cabal
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
ARAGORN - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY


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Lost Souls
When Angels Sing
Fair Trade
The Dream Mile

My facebook script page
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ScottM
Posted: March 25th, 2018, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Gerasimos,

Thank you for reading my script. I'm glad you seemed to like it for the most part.  

Do you have any shorts you would like me to read?


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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Gerasimos
Posted: March 26th, 2018, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Unfortunately only full length ones :/ that's ok there is no problem^^


Features:
KTT Part ONE - The Polar Cabal
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
ARAGORN - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY


SHORTS:
Lost Souls
When Angels Sing
Fair Trade
The Dream Mile

My facebook script page
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ScottM
Posted: March 26th, 2018, 1:22am Report to Moderator
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I'd be happy to take a look at the first 10, or I have a feature in the works in progress, it's in my signature block.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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Patrick
Posted: March 26th, 2018, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Avoid using abbreviations, CPL etc write it out fully. You need a scene heading for each scene. The dialogue comes across as on the nose. It reminds me of dialogue I have heard many times before. But otherwise a good short. Keep at it.


Patrick J Gillespie
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ScottM
Posted: March 26th, 2018, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Patrick
Avoid using abbreviations, CPL etc write it out fully. You need a scene heading for each scene. The dialogue comes across as on the nose. It reminds me of dialogue I have heard many times before. But otherwise a good short. Keep at it.



I didnít realise I missed any scene headings; I'll have to take another look.

Saying the dialogue is on the nose and that you have heard it many times before is a little confusing and needs clarification.

So have you heard it in the real world, in which case it fundamentally canít be on the nose, or have you "heard" it in scripts where it would be considered on the nose?

Thanks for taking a look.



Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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Patrick
Posted: March 27th, 2018, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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ScottM
I have seen it on screen both TV and film. I could not name anything in particular. But sub-consciously  you write lines you have heard before. I have done it, only to realise it, and re-write the lines. Hence the importance of re-writing.


Patrick J Gillespie
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EricP
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi Scott,

thanks for posting your script. My initial thoughts were, great sequence. I was immediately engaged in the action. It seemed realistic, as if you were there, and were recounting an actual battle experience for us.

Because I couldn't see the enemy, my focus shifted to the psychological weaknesses of some of the characters. I loved the range of personalities within the group.

With that said, I had trouble figuring out what the controlling idea was with the story. I was wondering what message you wanted to live me thinking about. Was it, faith makes us better soldiers, or bravery is synonymous with God?

There is a famous saying. In the fox hole, there are no atheists.

I would have loved to learn something about Cpl Carter that tied in how his faith made him grow a pair of cajones. lol.

Also I realized the story is missing a few story elements like: a clear active physical quest, and climax.

Just so we know what the narrative imperative is of the characters, consider offering us some context-back story before the fire fight began.

However a part from that, this was an enjoyable read.  
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