Iron Egg: Origins by 0 - Short, Action, Superhero - An egg rises. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Plot wise - not great for me.

SPOILERS

You had a great premise - could they put Humpty back together again after all?

The nature of his demise - the falling semi was just too over the top for me and kind of spoiled what was a unique and clever premise

Great title.
This was quite amusing. Kept thinking of comic panels when reading it. It reminded me of far-out children shows like 'Bananaman'. But it might need a lot more than one page to properly convey its premise.

Like the first section of this, but then it felt disjointed and lost me by the end.

I'm not sure about this one.  I didn't get the feel a story actually occurred.  More like a serious of events.

This one was a no-go for me. I felt like the semi-truck scene at the playground was shoehorned in to make it "action" and include a "superhero". The logline, and the title, tell me the story is about a superhero egg. Not an egg that happens to turn into a superhero at the end of the script, and does absolutely nothing superhero-ish in the entire script, even when he tries to pull Timmy out of the way.

I got lost on a one page script. Not a good sign. I ran through the nursery rhyme a couple times in my head and couldn't really connect all the dots. Valiant effort, for sure.  

C’mon people, this is great stuff here!  Why am I the only one seeing this?  Smart take on the super hero origin stories. Loved it.

Best,
Gary

Oh, you have to keep the beginning (about half-page) and do something with it. It was amazing up until the robot Humpty. Was he a robot or not by the way? Not sure. Still, the beginning was so great that I won't be scant with my rating on this one.

So I loved the discription of Humpty, and the "he's an egg" line.

Was confused by the semi falling from the sky.

It's not to bad.

Had a few chuckles through this, I'm surprised you didn't list it as a comedy.

It was a pretty good read.

Quoted from Gary in Houston C’mon people, this is great stuff here!  Why am I the only one seeing this?  Smart take on the super hero origin stories. Loved it. Best, Gary

Couldn't agree more with you.  I totally got it.  I laughed a few times.  I thought it was solid.  

I'm giving this a 4.  It has a story, rushed, but that's due to the page limit.  You got a lot cramped in there.

Dan

Iron Egg: Origins

Strange title - I like.
Re Humpty's first description – I wouldn't be so humorous there. Better be clear from the outset that he actually is an EGG. The idea of an egg-shaped character for an Easter sketch, children show, is great imo. I don't fully enjoy the story though. It's all a bit too big and erratic for me. Still some points from me for a unique idea of a fresh character.
3

The idea carries this script. An absurd idea, yes, but that's kind of the point. People have mentioned the semi and a few other things, and I don't disagree. But I think the script succeeds on its own terms and is not meant to be anything more than a minute of silly fun.

This is the best one I've read so far. It has a beginning, middle and end. It's a complete story. With multiple scenes in a one-page script, and a clever idea / premise.

I'm definitely going to give it at least a 4, however I think I'm going to read a few more before I decide if I want to grade it on a curve and give it a 5.