Ashland by Bol Mawein - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - {no logline} 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Bol,

This is your opening paragraph:

INT./EXT. QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD ON A CLOUDY DAY

Descending from the cloudy sky a house resembling all the
others had boxes scattered all across the front yard inside
one of the rooms that seem to belong to a little girl was
full of shipping boxes that stacked up to the ceiling. Some
had open flabs that reviled objects such as clothing, picture
frames, and toys. Kat(Kathrine 13) was laying face forward
spread out on a mattress surrounded by bed frames, she huged
what was left of her bed speaking out as the mattress covered
her face

Try something like this:

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

A quiet, leafy suburban street.

Moving boxes sit randomly across the front lawn.

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

In front of a pink feature wall, sits more shipping boxes.  

On a bed, lies, KAT (13), ponytail, braces and freckles. She stares at her pink wall with sadness in her eyes.

.
On this website, there's some great writers. READ! READ! READ! ......And you'll find them.

You need to get to the point.

Keep writing!

Cheers,

Daniel