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30 Minutes Or Less by Austin Valdez - Short, Comedy - Three roommates desperately try to barricade their apartment as impending horrors draw closer. 5 pages - pdf, format
A nice easy read and let’s not take the story so serious, but who exactly are these troops?
Daniel
Thanks for the read, Daniel!
As for the troops, your guess is as good as mine. Haha
What was funny to me was just the implication that they would go to such extreme lengths as to not pay for their delivery that they would instead hire a group of fighter troops to make sure that doesn't happen. I guess it doesn't matter who they are, to me the joke still works.
I don't know which is more clever, the original script or Daniel's elevator idea.
Regardless, if you choose to produce it, I'm sure some company delivering food will be willing to sponsor you in return for product placement. It reads like a long ad with a funny punch line.
There's some CAPITALIZATION, bold, italics and underlining in the script, which interrupts the flow for me. The story is well told though!
Mmmm... comedy's difficult, here, the reveal is comedic not the theme, and I don't think that adds anything to your script. I was expecting something clever, not something silly ... if the set-up was better I think you'd have gotten away with it ... plus the witing's a little clumpy here and there and took me out of the flow.
I don't know which is more clever, the original script or Daniel's elevator idea.
I think Daniel has bested me, IMO his idea is eons better!
Quoted Text
Mmmm... comedy's difficult, here, the reveal is comedic not the theme, and I don't think that adds anything to your script. I was expecting something clever, not something silly ... if the set-up was better I think you'd have gotten away with it ... plus the witing's a little clumpy here and there and took me out of the flow.
I think you're right. I think working on Daniel's idea would give more freedom for a clever twist. And comedy is so subjective anyways.
As for clunky writing and after reading it over again, you're right. I appreciate the feedback!