SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 6:23am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Defeating DiCaprio
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Defeating DiCaprio  (currently 1647 views)
Don
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Defeating DiCaprio by Major Wu - Romantic Comedy - A couple's relationship is put to the ultimate test when Leonardo DiCaprio moves into the house next door. 84 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.37
Hi,

I haven’t really read the script, but I feel like you are setting yourself up for failure if this is anything other than a writing exercise.

Do you plan on having Leo in this or someone that looks like him, which would be odd because he is still very much in the acting game.

Lots of issues straight away though.


Quoted Text
INT. SCOTIABANK THEATER- VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIAEVENING
With a Girl Like You by The Troggs is playing in the
background as we see an establishing shot of a jam-packed
building full of people. A 5’3 lady in her early-thirties
with striking big green eyes and luscious, long blonde hair
is holding up the box office line and being there’s only one
till open, everyone behind her is so irritated/annoyed that
they start yelling at her to hurry up. Having had enough, a
5’8 Pakistani man with dark brown eyes in his early-forties
cuts out of line and walks up to the lady in order to
de-escalate the situation.


Your first slug would be better written as:

INT. SCOTIABANK THEATER- EVENING  (although I prefer either DAY or NIGHT)

Then set the scene and lay a super over it, Like this:

SUPER - VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA

It’s no good listing a song unless you know it’s going to be used and you have the rights to use it.

Steer away from "we see" and "we hear". Also don’t tell us we see an establishing shot, just tell us what we see (without using we see).

You need to capitalise characters when they are first introduced. So PEOPLE, LADY, and PAKISTANI MAN all need to be capitalised.

For some reason you have given their heights, is this really important? No one is going to cast specifically on height.

It’s also all very passively written and written more like a novel that a screenplay.

Most of what I've said is writing 101. I highly recommend you read some articles on screenwriting and read a lot more scripts then give this another rewrite.

All the best.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  May 7th, 2018, 8:37pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Romantic Comedy  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006