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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Scurry
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  Author    Scurry  (currently 1579 views)
Don
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Scurry by Kirsten James - Short, Horror - A young girl is terrorized by a strange creature in her room while her parents discuss their involvement with the occult.  5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 5th, 2018, 9:13am
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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kirsten.

I enjoyed this up until the reveal. I felt like that ending just kind of came out of left field. What does them moving have to do with Tobias being the Devil? Thinking about it now, it almost first sounds like a demon is following the family and they've been moving thinking getting away would stop it, until the twist is revealed. Turns out their son is the antichrist, but again, what does the first half have to do with the second half? Like I said, it just kind of came out of left field for me.

Besides that, however, I did like this. It's a fun horror short. I liked the build up and the switching back and forth between the parent conversation and Lucy being terrorized. I wonder if working with babies is easy or hard when filming. But I can see this getting made.
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Kirsten
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Sean thanks for the read!

Yes, filming the baby scene will be tricky, it's a pain but I just had to write it lol, which yes, doesn't help with production, but it could be good practice for someone learning cgi???? Hint Hint anyone?  I'm dying to see the eyes and fingernails...
I would say them talking about moving is just part of the bigger picture of being the parents of bealzebub. But I see what you mean, I have probably sent you too far away so as not to reveal anything, and now you are lost lol..... I'll go away and have a think about changing the conversation topic.....

Greatly appreciated feedback thankyou!
And I did read your feature, but I want to read it again. I did it in fits and starts and i can't in good faith comment on it till I get my head around it better. it's not the script its me needing to pay attention and reading it in one sitting....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
Yes, filming the baby scene will be tricky, it's a pain but I just had to write it lol, which yes, doesn't help with production, but it could be good practice for someone learning cgi???? Hint Hint anyone?  I'm dying to see the eyes and fingernails...


Ha ha, I liked the imagery and so I'd be curious to see what it would look like if ever filmed. It would be a fun CGI project for somebody, for sure.


Quoted Text
I would say them talking about moving is just part of the bigger picture of being the parents of bealzebub. But I see what you mean, I have probably sent you too far away so as not to reveal anything, and now you are lost lol..... I'll go away and have a think about changing the conversation topic.....


Don't necessarily change the topic, but just find a way to tie in them moving to the fact that they're the parents of the antichrist. Maybe the baby is causing Alex to change jobs constantly, which is causing them to move constantly? The baby is the Devil after all. Shouldn't it wreak havoc on their lives?

I hope you meant to make the film kind of a dark comedy because I did giggle at a couple of parts. Like Marie's line "Because he's the Devil Alex!". And the fact that they're fully aware that their kid is the Devil and yet they're going to be loving parents to him anyway. That's funny and shows in a comedic way how far people will go to be parents for their own kids.


Quoted Text
Greatly appreciated feedback thankyou!
And I did read your feature, but I want to read it again. I did it in fits and starts and i can't in good faith comment on it till I get my head around it better. it's not the script its me needing to pay attention and reading it in one sitting....


You're welcome! And I plan on uploading an updated script of Where the Bad Kids Go so I can let you know when it's been posted so you can give the most updated script a read. Thanks for doing so, by the way! Completely understand finding the time to sit down and concentrate on a script in one sitting!
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Kirsten
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, yes, interesting you mentioned the comedy aspect, because that kept slipping in there. especially with the scurrying claws. I do want it to be creepy... Just have to make sure theres nothing funny about it....

And, yes I look forward to the updated script.....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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khamanna
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kirsten.

You didn't pick up my interest with this right away but I got invested as soon as I learned what's going on - don't want to give away any spoilers here.

The resolution was kind of expected. I was hoping for something different. But I can't suggest anything here.

The highlight of the script is when we learn what's going on from them talking. I wish you kind of dressed up the script a bit - added something interesting before and after.

Nice job though - you went around the idea in a fresh and intriguing way.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 14th, 2018, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kirsten.  Just read this, start to finish.

Everything is very well trodden territory until Page 5, when you reveal your Antag, both through Mary talking with Alex, and then the actual reveal.  Up until this point, I was very bored, and even when I learned who/what Tobias is, I kind of rolled my eyes, but you know what?  You ended on a high note, both with the way Tobias acts, and the very final visual.

Writing-wise, lots of mistakes, though.  1st Slug should be "TOBIAS' BEDROOM", as your 2nd Slug is LUCY'S BEDROOM.

Early on, just too many details that aren't at all necessary.

You then go to some sort of hybrid full and Mini Slug.  If these scenes are basically intecutting (happening at the same time), just use Mini Slugs.  If time is passing, you need full Slugs.

The conversation and details of the discussion between Marie and Alex don't make sense to me - it's night, but he's wearing a full suit?  Why?  They're drinking coffee?  At night, before bed?  Then, on Page 4, he lights up a cig?  In the house?  3 moves in less than a year?  And they're living in a house, meaning we have a major reality check issue here.  Moving is expensive, time consuming, and difficult.  Buying 3 houses in a year is outright impossible for 99% of the world, and no one is going to rent out a house to a family on such a short term basis.  Finally, the fact that they have to move for the 3rd time in less than a year has absolutely nothing to do with anything here.

You have some passive lines throughout that would be very easy to do away with.

Although this is short at just under 6 1/2 pages, based on what you have here, it shouldn't even go on to the 6th page.  It can be trimmed and it would read quicker, be tighter, and come off more powerfully.

All in all, it ain't bad, but again, that's because you saved yourself with a shocking ending that we're not used to read/see, and for that, I say kudos.
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Kirsten
Posted: May 16th, 2018, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kha and Jeff. I really appreciate the read and comments.

Your input is great and has given me a lot to think about.

With the beginning I was practicing writing atmospherically, but yawning wasn't the outcome I was looking for lol. ...Just got to keep at it...

The father is in his work suit, he's just come home from work...its winter. But without backstory I can see why this seems weird. And the rest of their behaviors have backstory that isn't made clear here. So yeah I need to fix that.

It was 4 pages at first, then I added my atmospheric writing and it got stretched...

But I am very glad you liked the ending.

Cheers K

P.S Jeff, have you seen the movie Force Majeure? Since you are a ski bunny, you might like this its Swedish and has won lots of awards..it's a slow burn psychodrama comedy set at a ski resort...


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 16th, 2018, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
P.S Jeff, have you seen the movie Force Majeure? Since you are a ski bunny, you might like this its Swedish and has won lots of awards..it's a slow burn psychodrama comedy set at a ski resort...


Snow Bunny?     Ha!!

No, have not seen it.  Not much of a comedy guy.

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Philostrate
Posted: May 20th, 2018, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Hi Kirsten,

Good ending but you didn't pick up my interest at the first pages like khamanna said.

It's a nice little horror short but I feel like it needs to be tightened a little, so the reader gets to know what's going on half a page before…

You built up an eerie atmosphere and the resolution, althought expected, was satisfactory.

It would be fun seeing the final scene on a screen. Tip us off on any news on this one .

Good work Kirsten!



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Kirsten
Posted: May 21st, 2018, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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Hi David,

Thanks heaps for your read and comments, much appreciated! I'm planning on shortening the first half and adding more to the end...so we'll see how it goes..


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 22nd, 2018, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
I'm planning on shortening the first half and adding more to the end...so we'll see how it goes..


Kirsten, just my 2 cents, but I don't think this is the way to go.

It's not about "shortening" anything.  It' about cleaning it up, getting rid of all the repetitiveness and unnecessary descriptions.

It's about changing the conversation of the parents to become something that is relevant to the story, or interesting, or foreshadowing...or anything that draws your readers in.

Finally, I wouldn't add anything to the end.  You ended it quite well and many times, less is more in this regard.

Just my opinion.

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Kirsten
Posted: May 22nd, 2018, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,

Thanks for your thoughts on this, makes sense. Will definitely be changing the conversation and shortening the scenes in the bedroom...

Cheers
K


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Philostrate
Posted: May 25th, 2018, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Kirsten, just my 2 cents, but I don't think this is the way to go.

It's not about "shortening" anything.  It' about cleaning it up, getting rid of all the repetitiveness and unnecessary descriptions.

It's about changing the conversation of the parents to become something that is relevant to the story, or interesting, or foreshadowing...or anything that draws your readers in.

Finally, I wouldn't add anything to the end.  You ended it quite well and many times, less is more in this regard.

Just my opinion.


Kirsten,

I'm with Jeff, the end is pretty good as it is.



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Zack
Posted: May 28th, 2018, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kirsten,

Just finished this. Not bad. There's some potential here.

Some awkwardly written action lines that slow the read down a bit, but I got through it all right.

I didn't like how you used sound to show the antagonist moving throughout the room. It was hard to visualize. Maybe use some POV shots instead?

I really liked the visual at the end. Fantastic way to end this script. A couple more rewrites and you might have something here.

~Zack~
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